thoughts for today

I decided today that waiting till Thanksgiving to make a pumpkin pie is a bad idea.  I think this year I will spread Thanksgiving goodness throughout the whole week before and even after Thanksgiving!   I think the expectations we build up over the holidays can threaten to lessen some of the joy and I don't want to do that.

Thanksgiving Day I plan to do some volunteer work in the morning.   Other family members have plans for part of the day too.  When I get home I'll make a turkey and lots of other yummy things, but it's all about enjoying this time of year and remembering the good in our lives.  We can have leftovers all week.  I'll drag out some Christmas decorations ….

I'm learning that I need to be able to be flexible and fit into the changes in my life.

I took a walk this morning and gathered leaves as I went along.  They were so pretty. Texas changes in the fall too.  It just takes longer…  Few things bring me back to my childhood the way a cold Autumn day does.  The memories are vivid…. the way the air smelled along with the smoke coming from our chimney in New Jersey as my dad burned fragrant cedar logs.   Today was cold… all day…  upper thirties here as I walked… and the air made my ears sting.  I like to walk because it's a good time to think and pray…  remember… and center myself.

Changes come all throughout our lives.  Maybe I'm just more aware of it now than I used to be.  As soon as you settle into a new "normal" that normal changes again and we need to readjust to begin to feel comfortable again.  Like the seasons….

I'm looking forward to purging things out of my life that aren't useful anymore.  Things that aren't positive or helpful or beautiful.  I am becoming more and more drawn to simplicity and ridding my life of clutter.  In a world where people seem to want to continuously accumulate stuff I am seeing the enormous value of getting rid of the noise in our lives so we can really hear what's important.  It's a process and I have a long way to go.

My wish today is that all have enough….. being content and grateful… with always enough.

adapting

Mmmm.  It's been so nice here in Texas.  Especially as I listen to weather reports around the country.  I know I wouldn't like to live in a snowy climate any more.  My body would have a hard time adapting to that.  I used to be invigorated by the cold!  What happened to that girl? 

I was thinking this morning that this was just about perfect.  The day warms up and then the night cools down considerably.  In the morning my furnace kicks on just to take the chill out of the house as I'm shuffling over to the coffee pot to make a cup of fresh brew.   Of course that Texas heat that we all love to complain about will return in time too, but for now.... I'm just enjoying.

Yesterday as I ran my errands and walked to my car I felt this "beachy" feeling.  I don't know how to explain it except to say it reminded me of days gone by.  It brought me back to a time sitting on a beach blanket at the New Jersey shore with a warm ocean breeze blowing through my hair and the warmth of the sun soaking into my skin. To riding bicycles on the boardwalk in Wildwood.  Funny how a sight, smell, or some random thought can do that.  I'm beginning to hear the birds sing again in the morning.  The winter months can be so quiet.  It seems all living things go into a silent rest.

Seasons.  There is a time for that silent rest.

I have satellite radio in my car. There are some good programs and I always seem to learn something or take away some "food for thought".    I used to find myself saying to Edd "today I heard this on the radio.... they were talking about....  What do you think of that?"   We talked about anything and everything.  Today I heard someone make a comment that "Depression is when nothing matters.  Sadness is when everything matters."  Made me realize I don't have a tendency toward depression.  Even after all that has happened .... But sadness...  yes.   There seems to be a poignancy to everything.

But today?  Today I'll relish life, breathe deeply and put one foot in front of the other moving forward knowing I'd miss so much if I didn't. 

One faces the future with one's past.  ~Pearl S. Buck

evening thoughts and reprieve

I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words they determine where you are spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. -- John Bevere

I've heard it said that adversity introduces a man to himself. I suppose that is true. It reveals aspects of ourselves that are deep down in often unknown and unreachable places. I would not have seen Edd down to the core had I not witnessed his grace and strength and courage as he journeyed down a road of little certainty. I've watched it and have journeyed along with him. Learning too.

Another thing I've heard said is that we can understand in years what we may not understand in days. The lessons and insights may be revealed later down the road when we have the wisdom that comes from time. Like seasoned wine that gets better with age.

A friend dropped in for coffee yesterday and used the word reprieve to describe the now. It was a wonderful blessing. Yes, that's it. Reprieve. I like that word.

We have a bit of a reprieve now. There are days of peace with some routine settling in. Edd knows his memory isn't what it once was and we even laugh at the silliness of it sometimes. Some of what comes out is amazingly endearing. It's hard to live, REALLY live, one day at a time. But we... I... am trying. I don't know how long this will last but each day is a gift.

Have I turned into one of those persons who has to understand everything before I can have faith? Do I have to completely reason things out before I can believe? I know God doesn't want us to discard our brains, after all he made them and gave them to us to USE, but have I become so cynical, such a doubting Thomas, that I can't just rest in God and believe He loves me and will take care of all these things that I just can't? I hope not.... 

I am changing. I feel it. I invite it. I welcome it.

I want to learn more about grace. To experience it and to offer it to others. 

We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. Go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea, or on the strength of the hills that is His also; or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken. --Amy Carmichael

bittersweet

I looked at fall a little differently today. I usually love to see the colored leaves and feel the cool air and I still see its beauty and richness, but today I also saw its coldness. It looked and felt lonely to me. It signaled the end of growth and new life. The opposite of spring.

Since living in the south I have probably loved fall more than ever because I welcome the end of hot oppressive summer temperatures, but fall is the transition into winter... and in many parts of the country winter can be brutal and harsh, long and frigid.

I looked at pictures of autumn and got a deeply lonely feeling. I felt a sad sort of longing. Maybe the feeling came from deep in my past memories when autumn ushered in cozy times of fireplace warmth and mugs of hot chocolate.... Or maybe the feeling was one of endings and change and moving on... which are things that have never exactly come easy to me.

But change comes. It is one thing we can always count on. Things don't stay the same. Just when you think things will always be just the way they are now life does a flip flop....autumn comes and then winter and ..... changes come ever so slowly... but surely.

So autumn seems bittersweet to me. Sort of how life has felt lately.

Bittersweet