five years ago

They hopped on a plane.  He was so sure.  She had no doubts.   They both knew this was a love that was going to stick around for the long haul.  No reservations.  For better or for worse.  There were no fears.  Not even one. 

We tried to think of a way to bring everyone together to celebrate our love, this precious union, but in the end felt the best thing to do would be to celebrate in a private intimate way.  So off to Las Vegas we went.  A place that held great memories for us....

We landed.  As always he got us the best.  My parents called the hotel before we even arrived and arranged beautiful roses to be delivered to our room ... and champagne!!  As always with this man... it was magic.  We were magic together.

They took a nap when they got to their room.... After a busy work week they rested first ... yet they were soo eager.  They headed to the courthouse ... hand in hand ... "Are you ready?"  said he.  "I am SO ready" said she.  They made their way... giddy with such a sense of rightness... and ... comfort... and ease... the happiness they felt when they were together... with love overflowing.   They had felt as one long before the actual marriage day.  They knew it was right.

And it was meant to be. 

It was 5 years ago .... this very week in June.

55 years

This week my parents celebrated their 55th anniversary. If that's not something to celebrate I don't know what is.  I talked to them on the phone. I found out where they were going to dinner and called the restaurant to give them a gift card.

Mom and Dad - February 9, 1957  (Aren't they both beautiful?)

Because I wished so much I could be there to celebrate with them.

I talked to them on the phone.  My mom is the sweetest person in the world.  My dad is such a card.  I told him, "wow, you've had it rough. You've had to live with mom for 55 years!"  He replied, "yeah, it's been easy for HER.  She just had ME to live with!" They both make me laugh.  Before we hung up Dad said he thinks they'll stay together for 56.  They are a gift.

I've forgiven myself (mostly) for my failings in that department.  My first marriage lasted 20 years but ended in sad defeat and pain.   It produced two beautiful daughters that I wouldn't trade for anything, but as I tried to grasp a secure place, one was inevitably taken away from them.  That's what I'm sorry about.   I felt a disconnectedness that tends to transfer down the line too.  We are desperate for connectedness.  We are desperate to matter.  I didn't feel like I did. 

I do wish I could have given them the gift my parents have given me. Their commitment to each other.  Their commitment to a life together. I know times were often hard. Life has struggles but they held together.  It is something of great value in a world that seems to walk away too quickly from promises.  

I now have a husband for whom I feel physical pain if I think I've hurt... and he for me.  It's a good combination.  For my daughters though....  I pray they will see the value of sticking it out, even when, especially when, times are less than easy.  And I hope they know I'll always be there for them to help them feel connected again... I wish them joy... always joy...and lots of love... oh, and abundant grace.

The Happy Couple 55 years ago

a look back in pictures

Today was a day for reminiscing.  It was bittersweet.  It was lovely.  It was sad.  It was happy.

Walking down Memory Lane....

I'm going through pictures.  Scanning.  Making albums. Enjoying the memories.

Family.  Marriage.  Children.  Love.  Life.

CHERISH EVERY DAY. 

Life is precious.  

Oh, there are hundreds of others but here are a few of the pictures that made me happy today.

Back in 2002... with my mom for Dad's 70th Birthday

Mom and Dad a few years ago

September of 2005

My sweetheart ... taken in Asia in 2007

On my birthday... special dinner out in August of 2007

Celebrating our engagement in the Spring of 2007.

Getting married in Las Vegas June 2007

Look how adorable!  Edd as a baby with his older sister Kathleen.  I love this so much!

Love seeing Edd's pictures of when he was a kid...and all the siblings.  Precious.

Love seeing these family pics... Edd is the oldest son.

This is the view I saw outside of my window in the house I grew up in.  I lived here for 21 years!   HOME!!

Another view of my childhood home.

Look at those beautiful young faces.  My mom and dad... so young and lovely.  They are still a good-looking couple.

Me with my daughters eight years ago in Oregon

One of my favorite pictures of Edd for my own personal reason I could never share.  This one gives me joy. Taken March of 2004.   Seven months after we met.

Some thoughts

My mind and heart are full. I begin writing with some ambivalence because I'm uncertain what will come out. Hope, fear, love, gratitude, confusion, grief, anxiety, helplessness? I don't know which emotion reigns supreme right now. It's all a mishmash. How do you describe the feelings you experience when the person you love with all your heart suffers? When you see him unresponsive and you're alone? When you have no idea what the outcome will be? When all you can do is wait for answers... and wait... and wait.

Edd's seizure was a surprise. A terrifying surprise. Thank God for family. For those who show their love in such real and practical ways... At times I felt carried along. Not knowing what to do exactly but moving along anyway. All our days are numbered. They are in God's hand. That SHOULD give peace. But I'm not quite feeling it now. I've asked God to give me faith. To show me what I need to see. I've asked Him to fill me where I am empty...

August 15, 2003. That's the day our paths crossed. Our first date. It hasn't even been eight years. We talked this morning about how easy that first meeting was. How well we talked and how comfortable we felt with each other. I always felt safe with him. Months later my only fears revolved around how hard it would be to ever let him go if he decided to walk. But he never gave me any indication he wanted to. I just knew I'd be devastated if he did.

Nothing has changed in that regard. I know my life without him would be void of the best kind of love there is. A love that's rare and true and eternal. When we were in the hospital this weekend he said how much he loved me. Nothing new really but after assuring him of my love also he added sadly ... "but I'm broken...." But he is NOT. Not to me ... not in the ways that matter the most.

I wish I understood this. I wrestle with my faith. I wrestle with God's plan. I wrestle with our purpose in life. I wrestle to make sense of it all. I wrestle with why a loving God allows such pain to persist. I know Jesus says in this world we will have tribulation, but to be of good cheer because He has overcome the world... but I still wrestle with it all. I have seen angels though. Angels who strive to take away a measure of human suffering. I have also seen some with little compassion who have only added to the weight we're carrying. I do know that I want to be one of those who help ease the suffering of others. I believe it's one of the loftiest goals we can have in life.

Lest this become too long... I'll end now... Let this just be a snippet of what's on my mind today....