the never ending "what ifs" of life

“If we know exactly where we're going, exactly how to get there, and exactly what we'll see along the way, we won't learn anything. ”   ~M. Scott Peck

The above quote reminds me of myself. I went through a time when I thought it important to try to control my life as best I could. Try to think out all the "what ifs" and have an answer or solution for each event that might happen. I guess I thought that would save me from hurt and prepare me best to confront whatever came my way. A way of self-protection. I didn't want to be unprepared or blind sided.

Good in theory maybe, but doing so also caused much stress and anxiety, living through each scenario as if it were happening and planning how to confront and solve each problem. Things that never happened.

I think after losing Edd to cancer and then my mom suddenly, I just didn't want to hurt anymore.

The truth is, and as I see it now, there just aren't enough scenarios we can think up. So many of the "what ifs" never happen. Sometimes they do, but why worry about them beforehand? Why suffer unnecessarily? Now I am believing that if and when an event DOES happen, I will deal with it then. Not beforehand, ruining TODAY.

I have thought a lot about suffering in the last ten years or so, especially the last five. I'm not at peace with it, nor will I ever be I suppose, but I've come a long way. There are some things I just can't even think about or I'll be an emotional wreck. Thinking of the suffering of animals or the horrible hurts some humans are experiencing.... but that is what empathy is about. Those without it are in worse shape. Being aware and a part of others' burdens is part of being human... rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep.

Suffering is part of living. Pain is a part of our existence. Often people try to burrow into a safe place so they do not have to experience it. Some take drugs or do any number of things to not feel their hurts, but in reality the way we learn is by working through our difficulties and problems. All of life should be a journey in learning more.

Having a plan is good. Very good. It's still a part of my makeup, but now I recognize the limitations and even negative consequences of ... thinking too much perhaps?

It also boils down to living by faith and not fear. I choose to not let fear dominate. Faith and letting go brings peace. Faith that God is ultimately in control and all is as it should be and I don't have to have all the answers... indeed I never will have all the answers. Life is mystery. I cannot change people or events. But I can love and learn and live every day with a grateful heart.

the treasures we carry with us

Someone who knew my mom well and worked with her for many years saw my picture recently on a social media site.  She reached out to me …. and said I had my "mother's eyes and sweet smile".

Things like that can just make my day.

It's nice to know I still carry so much of her with me.

I feel it sometimes.  Often really.  The expressions on my face.  The intensity in my eyes.  Little mannerisms.  Reactions.  Responses.  My voice.  How I say things.  Even some strengths and weaknesses.

But she had blue eyes.  I have brown.  She tended to be the eternal optimist.  I can be such the worry wort.  She was artistic and creative most of the time.  I only have spurts!  

And yet I feel her.  I feel she is a part of me.  

I'm thankful for people who remind us of such simple, yet such enormous, truth.  

We are all a part of something so much bigger than just ourselves.   And what once WAS still IS in many ways.  Maybe not the exact way we'd like, but love and life goes on….

Mom

Me

learning

Life is interesting… and much is unexpected.  In spite of every sad thing I could think about this time of the year I have joy.

Maybe I'm getting somewhere.

Just maybe I'm learning to savor the times when peace reigns in my life and giving myself permission to let go of things beyond my control and…. exhale… enjoy.

Some things haven't changed any.  Missing loved ones not around to hug is a constant.  The missing part is always there and will never go away…But I'm learning to accept.  It makes me human... and fully authentically me.

Also this is the first Christmas in my entire life that I won't get a stocking filled with thoughtful lovely things from my mom, but I'll survive that too and I'll savor and cherish all the love and memories that are still very much ALIVE!  The love is almost tangible and as real as anything could possibly be…. It fills me up.

So I'm learning.  I'm learning to accept myself right where I am…not comparing myself to anyone else.  Why do we do that?  Experiences and people are so different…..

Learning to embrace who I am with my own strengths and insights that have been hard earned and picked up along the journey that is uniquely my own.

I'm learning not to edit myself for anyone …

So remember… Remember when you think you aren't making progress in your life that some things just take time… more time than you think you should have to go through … but if you're willing to stay open and teachable the end result will be worth it.

ever changing

Just got back from another trip to the Oregon Coast.  It hasn't changed too dramatically since the first time I went out there.  The Pacific ocean is just as beautiful and majestic as the waves hit the shore... and they hit ferociously too since it was stormy.  Though I got one good walk in along the rocky paths it mostly rained.  One day the weather was sunny, then rained, then sunny, then hailed, then sunny, then rain.... and so on.  Ever changing.

Like life.

The biggest change out there is that mom is missing.  Her smile, warmth and open arms.  Her presence seems to be everywhere though.   It's nice, but painful.  Bittersweet in the extreme.  Memories come one after another like the ocean waves.  Love seems to fill all the nooks and crannies of a home that was filled with her influence and beauty.  

I want so much to embrace and then share all the good that has been mine... so many blessings.... comfort and warmth.  Love and acceptance.... I'm still finding my way in all of this.  Some people seem to go on and embrace life to the fullest again... but I'm still a bit stunned.   Sometimes I curse the deep thinker and overly sensitive me.... but it's who I am and that's okay ... and there must be a purpose in it all....

So I wait, and I move forward, and I do what I can each day.... carrying all the good stuff I've been given close to me ... deep in my heart.

a rising hope

I feel hope rise more and more with a new ability to look ahead without fear.  Gaining confidence I lost when I lost him.  Growing strong where the weak and fragile places existed.   Ceasing to be swayed by the unpredictability of the wind. 

Vulnerability can be staggering ... strength and courage has to be found somewhere within.

Though I question, God gave us what we could handle I guess.  I mean, I'm still here.  And him?  I still think of how he "handled" it all.  How could I ever forget?  Words escape me in describing it.  It's locked into my brain and seared into my soul.  The strength.... only God could have been the source.   It changed me.   I was a witness and I was a part of it.  It rearranged my psyche.   My perspectives will be forever altered.   

I've learned.  I've learned so much.  I don't even feel like the same person.  At times I thought I was hardening.  A rock.  But when that rock shattered it came back together soft and pliable with a deeper understanding of others, of life... and of myself.


Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott

Kindness, like a boomerang, always returns. ~Author Unknown

 

centering thoughts for today

Centering myself....trying to keep balance.... and connection.  Sometimes life comes at us in ways that knock us off that center ... or we have a reprieve from taking care of ourselves as we should.   It's a challenge to keep it all together...  and we often don't know we are neglecting an important part until something breaks down.  I have been taking care of neglected parts of me lately.  Learning how to do all I can... the BEST I can... and then surrendering to God to do what I cannot.  And trusting him with the outcome.

Peace will come.... I want to feel like a fine wine.... getting better with age from having gone through the experiences I have.  From learning and growing.

Thinking of the spiritual part of us...  I think the spiritual part involves seeking.  Seeking meaning and purpose.  Being drawn to hope and not giving in to despair.  It's believing there is something more in life.  It's hope and light and ... grace.

I think of Edd again... as always...   The end of his life was full of ... spirit.  The physical he was unable to control, but the spirit... was so evident.  I saw so often his true self.  The part of him that had hope and purpose and strength and grace... and love.

I know there are spiritual and physical laws in the universe and when miracles occur they happen when God bends these laws for us in an intimate way.  It brought me to tears as I thought of his power.  Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't.   I don't know all the whys. But I know I have had many blessings in my life.  I cherish and treasure them.  I am so grateful for what I've been able to experience. 

I think a way I can honor Edd is by living.  If I'm still here I must have a purpose. If he had hope and love, grace, and joy... I can too.

I'm off to the Oregon Coast tomorrow... I hope to post some pictures of the beauty... and relish being with family and enjoying God's creation... and being present.  In the moment.  Centering.  Breathing. And being Home with myself....

experience

Sometimes the memory and mental challenges can be frustrating.  Sometimes they display themselves in a comical way.  This morning the latter was the case.

Him:  I’m  so glad I have you.  Without you life wouldn’t be very good.  If you do nothing else but take care of me you’ve made a difference in the world.  I know I’m just one person .. but.... it means a lot.

Me:  Aww...  You are so worth it.  I am glad I can give back to you for all you’ve given to me.  That was such a wonderfully sweet thing to say.

Him:  Well.... Don’t ask me to repeat it because I don’t think I could.  

Sometimes I quickly go from the depths of emotion to peeks in the time it would take a bipolar person to say “Boo”....

My life is such a complicated mixture of tender moments, deep sentiment, worried brows, and even anxiety ... but there is also laughter to sweep away some of the intensity.  


I had a good talk with one of his sons today.  We all know others who often play the victim even though they have little to complain about.  We talked about how spending time with Edd gives us little luxury to feel sorry for ourselves and challenges our perspective on our problems.  He never complains.  Good even comes out of bad situations.  It made me happy he is able to acknowledge even a little of that.


Life has lessons to teach us.

Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself.  ~Thomas Jefferson

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.  ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr

Experience teaches only the teachable.  ~Aldous Huxley 

mornings past

There’s something about the morning that brings me back to thousands of mornings gone by.  Nostalgia at its best.  

Back to the winter mornings when I was ten years old and the blizzard the night before cancelled school in New Jersey.  As I sleep in my warm bed my mom shares the news she heard on the radio. The darkness is still spread out before me and the hallway ends in the light that sneaks out of the kitchen and living room.  But I am cozy in my downstairs room... I could sleep, but, NO, I have to check out the snow!  Bliss.

Back to running down the hill so I won’t miss the school bus.  Seeing the grandmother clock's hands pointing at 8:10.  Gotta go!

Back to the sleepy mornings with a newborn.  Stumbling out of bed to meet the needs of a little life that needs me.  In every way.  Tired.  And yet the vulnerable, helpless, greedy gulps make the sleepy journey to the crib fade into pure joy as a need met was so easily fulfilled.  Love.

Back to two little girls at the kitchen table.  The warmth of the oven pushing out the sweet aroma of french toast sticks, the stove sizzling with bacon ... smiling, happy, giggly faces.... a favorite doll or blanket or stuffed toy in hand.  Sesame Street flickering in the background.  Warm hugs and snuggles abound.

Back to a spunky young dachshund making his way from the kitchen to the bedroom racing full speed and landing on my bed... burrowing under the blankets for fifteen more minutes of comfort.

Back to Easter mornings with baskets of treats, and Christmases with piles of presents.  Back to countless days of coffee brewing and the sun rising and spreading across the lawn and streaming through the windows.

Back to morning talks about everything and anything.  Sitting up in bed with coffee discussing the news of the day, the news of yesterday.  Children.  Love.  Silly dreams or deadly serious realities.  

Back to mornings meeting my sweetie come from Austin to share times that involved no one and nothing but us for a while.  How wonderful that it WAS.  Building something more precious than we knew or understood at the time.  Lasting.

I felt it once again.  Even in the midst of grief and the hard realities of life I felt it.  The joy of a new day dawning.  The peace in its beginning.

“Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life?” 

- Ann Voskamp

   

morning and evening

I've always loved the quietness of the morning .... or the settled, reflective feeling of late evening.   The bulky part of the day is just to noisy for me to be able to think very clearly on any one topic.  Fleeting thoughts are all just jumbled together in a messy array.  As I lay awake in bed this morning I felt clarity.  Sometimes I get up and begin the day and that clarity disappears like a dream.  Sad to say.

I looked back this morning at something I said last night that was insensitive and was surprised when the tears came.  In a torrent.  They just kept coming as I thought how I never want to hurt with my words but only build up those that I love and try to make this critical, cruel, and un-accepting world just a little more nice.  A little more gentle.  To hold close those I love and be a cushion for them from a world that can sting.

I wonder how many times I may have wounded someone else by my words and didn't recognize it.  I can be blunt and hurtful.  More so in the past, but even now sometimes.  I know I have improved but still, gentleness isn't always something that comes naturally to me.

My days are full.  I am not sad all the time but my writings can reflect that since  I usually write when I FEEL.  Many people who know me personally would think I'm mostly happy actually.  I can talk to someone on the phone who asks how I am and how Edd is and they hang up thinking we're doing fine and in many ways we are... but I also I have this huge ache inside.   Life has changed.  It's always being rearranged.  When I think I can handle the story line, the script changes again.

It reminds me to be careful.  To be more mindful.  To remember others hurt too... in their own ways.  And I want to find the joy together.

Funny... this was the quote of the day on my blog for today....

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else ~ Charles Dickens

***

potpourri of a day

(huge sigh)... What a mixed bag kind of day.

It began with a man coming at the break of dawn (well, 7:30 am) to repair our doorbell.  Sometimes it rings and sometimes it doesn't.  Not good.  I got tired of having to watch for our visitors lest they ring the bell and wonder why we don't answer. We made our morning pot of coffee and sat in the living room to wait.  The man was right on time.  Early actually.   He didn't have a comparable version, showing me a very cheap plastic yucky one, so he left us with two wires sticking out of the brick as he went on his way to locate a suitable replacement.  We considered leaving it as is and placing a sign above the wires which read "please touch wires together to activate doorbell" but decided that was pretty ghetto.  He called back less than an hour later saying he found one he thought I'd like and could he come back.  Yes!  Nice work.  Thank you.

Got me thinking about some of the workers we've had lately.  This guy cared.  It said a lot about his work ethic and also about him personally.  He wanted to do a good job.  He wanted to get the job DONE.  Unlike the refrigerator repair man who came and tried to get out of every little thing we asked him to do.

Next I went to the bank to get a certified check for the payoff amount to send to our mortgage company.  Yay (high five)!  So far so good.  I sent the check out certified mail and noticed I could go to a business next door to get a badly needed haircut thinking "why not now?"

Well, here's a reason...

Don't get a haircut, especially in Austin, from a very young lady with very short, (umm almost bald), pink hair.  And if you do, make sure she has little, (make that NOT ANY), creative license to do whatever she thinks will look nice and give you style.  ... Yeah, that bad... Oh, well, in six months my hair will, with any luck, look nice again.

I shed some tears today.  I felt enormously sad.  As I cried I thought of my husband who never, I repeat, NEVER, feels sorry for himself.  He just smiles and loves and does what needs to be done.... and appreciates ... and is grateful.

Feeling sorry for myself is a luxury I can't seem to justify.  Damn.  It kind of made me mad today.  But I just couldn't do it... for long....

Next.....

Edd's Mom is going to visit this week.

Conversation heard in our home today:

Me:  Your mom said she'd come on Wednesday or Thursday to visit.  I wonder which day she'll arrive.

Him:  Maybe she will forget.

Me:  She won't forget.  She is one of those people who does what she says she is going to do.

Me... again:  You definitely got all the best Whittington traits.  God must have really been looking out for me when I met you because I had some pretty high standards and you met them all... all I was looking for!

Him:  Well I love you baby... and I'm glad you love me.

Me:  I really do.

Life.  To be continued.......

today

I have a few people who ask me what I am doing for ME these days.  If I am taking care of myself.  Peace has settled into our routine a little bit this week and it's been nice.  I'll take it.... I have little expectations these days.

As I sit here now sipping a glass of Shiraz and nibbling on some pretzels with hummus, I'm thinking of and thankful for the things I enjoy that, quite frankly, make all the difference.  Oh, I'm not much different than others, but I try to really be "in the moment" these days.  Relishing the simplest of pleasures.

I am learning to let go of feeling like I need to be perfect in order for God to love me.  Grace. Rest.  How few of us really rest today.  Rest in spirit and soul...  I'm learning what's so amazing about grace.

Jacuzzi... taking the time to relax and let candlelight, aromatherapy and detoxifying bath salts take me away! 

Did I say Shiraz?  Enjoying a glass of wine, not in excess, but making celebrations out of anything and everything.

Nice conversations with family or friends.  Just being together or sharing life's happenings.  Validating, supporting, and encouraging each other....

Sitting in front of the fire... I love this time of the year.

It's mind boggling to think I can even have a regular conversation with my husband after all he's been through the last few months.  He came home from the hospital needing a wheelchair. Exchanged it for a walker.  Now needs neither.  He's rallied...  His short-term memory is quite clearly effected but we enjoy being together, we laugh, we talk, we live....  Yesterday we met with Edd's oncologist and discussed quite extensively the option of more treatments for his cancer.  As we drove home in the car, Edd said he heard what he needed to and condensed his decision down to one sentence  “I can go back on treatment (chemo) and hate every day of my life.”  I then added that we can stay as we are and LOVE every day that we have.  The decision was clear.

So it comes down to a philosophy.  Even if we pursued scans, MRI's and painful treatments with serious side-effects the amount of time we might buy is suspect.  We choose to live the time we have now in peace, being grateful for each and every day.

evening

The wind is blowing tonight. Hard. Colder air is making its way down from the north and is washing away the spring-like day we had a few hours earlier.

Tonight feels kind of lonely as I listen. The night is quiet in my world except for the sound of the wind and some distant chimes.  The gusts can be loud though. They come and they go. Like the waves of the ocean.

I've heard it said it's an ill wind that blows no good.  Not sure exactly what that means but faith says good can come from the most difficult of circumstances. I guess the wind and our loneliness can cause a cleansing of sorts.  Especially as we re evaluate what is important and what is not. The way the wind would separate the chaff from the wheat so only the good stuff remained....

I am seeing that things beyond my control will not change one second before God says so.  The wind won't stop a moment before it's meant to. And my heart's longing will be filled in the proper time.  Such is life for all of us.

God's grace as always is sufficient.


“Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.”

a look back in pictures

Today was a day for reminiscing.  It was bittersweet.  It was lovely.  It was sad.  It was happy.

Walking down Memory Lane....

I'm going through pictures.  Scanning.  Making albums. Enjoying the memories.

Family.  Marriage.  Children.  Love.  Life.

CHERISH EVERY DAY. 

Life is precious.  

Oh, there are hundreds of others but here are a few of the pictures that made me happy today.

Back in 2002... with my mom for Dad's 70th Birthday

Mom and Dad a few years ago

September of 2005

My sweetheart ... taken in Asia in 2007

On my birthday... special dinner out in August of 2007

Celebrating our engagement in the Spring of 2007.

Getting married in Las Vegas June 2007

Look how adorable!  Edd as a baby with his older sister Kathleen.  I love this so much!

Love seeing Edd's pictures of when he was a kid...and all the siblings.  Precious.

Love seeing these family pics... Edd is the oldest son.

This is the view I saw outside of my window in the house I grew up in.  I lived here for 21 years!   HOME!!

Another view of my childhood home.

Look at those beautiful young faces.  My mom and dad... so young and lovely.  They are still a good-looking couple.

Me with my daughters eight years ago in Oregon

One of my favorite pictures of Edd for my own personal reason I could never share.  This one gives me joy. Taken March of 2004.   Seven months after we met.

new year 2012

 I'm finding little difficulty in letting go of 2011.  It was a hard year.  From January through December.  Some of it seems a blur to me. 

I sometimes wish I wasn't as introspective as I am.  I look at others and wonder why they aren't like me, but maybe they tend to enjoy life more.  Maybe they don't have as high of expectations as I do.  On myself and on others.  Maybe they know how to relax more than I do and have the peace that comes from not having to figure out everything and seeing a purpose in it all.

Could I possibly be able to lighten up in  2012?

Probably not.  But maybe (hopefully) some.  Maybe I'll just be able to ACCEPT more and not have to understand everything all the time.

As a new year begins there are a few thoughts that popped into my mind as I began the day.  I'm reminded that ...

He makes His sun rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.  Matt. 5:45

Sometimes good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. I want to be a wise builder in 2012.  Our foundation needs to be strong and if it is we'll be able to withstand the hard times and meet the challenges that come our way.

     “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

I want to believe that God plans good things to come out of our hurts.

Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it.  Genesis 50:20

God can even bring something good out of the hard and seemingly bad things that happen to us.

Don't hide your love in 2012.  

Make sure those special folks in your life KNOW it!

And then SHOW it by how you treat them.  

Necklace I received as a Christmas gift

One of the sweetest expressions of love I received for the new year was from my mom.  

 I want to wish you and Edd a HAPPY NEW YEAR.  I'm still praying for a miricle and hoping 2012 will bring happiness back to your lives. XXXX   I'll be thinking of you.    I love you.

Her words couldn't have been more sincere and heartfelt.  I don't know what the new year will bring, but I hope to be able to recognize, accept and appreciate the gifts that come my way.

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's. ~Henry Moore

One day at a time is all I can handle!

Happy New Year! Much love to all my family and friends! And if you are reading this you are most likely one or the other! xoxo

drought

What a summer it's been.  The days have been hot and dry.  One after another.  Seemingly endlessly the same.    There is a drought here.  Still.  And there has been a bit of a spiritual drought in my life as well.

This summer has often mirrored my inner feelings.  The sun has unmercifully dried our land and it's a struggle to not let it dry my spirit of hope as well.

I am comforted by the thought that the rains WILL come.  The parched land will drink up the nourishment and come to life again.  Refreshment is sweet... and often comes when we think we just can't hang on a moment longer.

It's been a challenge not to complain about the scorching heat.  God wants me to trust him in the dry times.  Oh, how hard it's been though.  I hate the thought of complaining about LIFE ... meaning ... any day that God gives us to live and breathe.  Because life is a gift.

I'm learning it's important to be true to myself.  Even in my blogging.  The moment I write to simply please someone else my words become hollow.  Saying what you think and feel and getting out of your comfort zone leads to a satisfying life.

If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive.  ~Eleonora Duse

living it

This last week was a mixed bag of fun and frustration.

Fun.  Had a co-worker of Edd's over for dinner.  He was from England.  It was interesting to compare countries and see that we all have our problems.  It was funny when Jenni suggested I offer him a cup of tea after dinner.  When I offered Earl Grey he said "just regular" and I then realized all I had was Luziane teabags for iced-tea making. Hope that worked for him.

Frustration. My computer crashed.  Spent over four hours on the phone with a technical support guy from India trying to fix it.  Can't fix it without spending more money on a machine that I've already lost everything on.  Hard drive shot.  Software gone.

Fun.  Decided to take the plunge and get an iMac.  Yay!  Learning new very cool stuff!  My brain hurts though.

Frustration.  Couldn't load  an app on Edd's iPad and got impatient so somehow erased all his saved stuff.  Great. Had to restore to factory settings.  Ugh.  I need to be more careful!  I was forgiven though.  Phew.

Fun.  Weather was cooler so took some wonderful walks outside and worked in the garden.  Had some nice talks with my mom.  (I love her)

Frustration.  Dealing with health insurance and trying to understand it all .... and what is best to do in the future.   Working on my resume.  Again, my brain hurts.


Today Edd has a CT scan.  It's part of the journey.  Seeing what is going on inside.  Praying for all of that.  Praying all would just go away and never come back.  Hoping. Wishing. Praying. Waiting. Loving. Learning. Wondering. Questioning. Hearing. Resting.  Breathing.

Such is life.  Living it.

where I’m from

  

I am from rich black soil, homemade raspberry jam, baseball after school, apple fritters, spaghetti o’s and Beagles.

I am from the warmth of wood burning fireplaces, smoky, crisp air in the fall, dirt roads and a house on a hill. I am from walks in the woods along well worn paths.

I am from Grandma’s lilies of the valley and screened-in porch, Easter hyacinths and Mayflowers for mommy in the springtime. From bacon and egg sandwiches on Sunday, crumb buns and poppy seed cake.

I am from fragrant cedars and piles of presents in December and sleepovers on floor mats after pumpkin pie in November. I am from hardworking and strong. From loud laughers who all talk at once, generous and devout. From the Wittmans and Okkers, McCormicks and Kerteszes.

I am from the lovers of home, clotheslines and fresh ironed sheets. I am from strong women. Margarets and Martha. Good men. Richard, George and Cornelius.

From “you can be anything you want to be” and learning times tables at the kitchen table. I am from summers knowing I belong with hot tea and bologna sandwiches on Garret Drive.

I am from church on Sunday mornings and reading the funnies. From looking at pictures in the big Bible on Dad’s bedside table. I am from finally seeking and finding.

I'm a country girl from Jersey, Hungary, Scotland and Holland.

From the starry-eyed and committed high school sweethearts who went to a dance and raised a family faithfully with wild and pleasant sandy beach vacations without a dime left over.

I am from pictures and albums in the attic at the top of the stairs, diaries and journals. Treasures of enormous worth.

Write your own story using the Where I'm From concepts.

these days….

Days march on.  And we live them the best we can.  We love.  We find things to rejoice over.  And we simply just keep keeping on.

We adjust.  Time and time again.  We do.  We will continue to.

That’s the way it is. That’s the way it HAS to be. That’s the way we all need to be.

Today Edd’s work announced he will go to a part time schedule and will serve as consultant and mentor in the Product and Test Engineering organization instead of being the guy in charge.   Another person will assume responsibility for Product and Test Engineering now.   He has been a successful leader…

When he got home and I asked how he was and how it went, he simply said, “It had to be done.”  There is much up in the air now.  Many uncertainties.  Is the company going to be bought?  Swallowed up by another?   Probably so.

I have wondered if I will get through these times and still be whole.  Sane.  If there has ever been a time for courage, it is now.  During these days.

I find courage knowing I’m not the first to have walked this road.  Nor will I be the last.

But I have made a decision.  Though I feel fragile and want so badly to grieve at times I have decided to have courage.  I have decided to show strength.  I will not have a pity party very often.  I will love as best I can.  Though I feel weak, I’ll be strong when I need to be.  There are still good things to think on.  Good days ahead.  God will carry me.  Carry us.

One of the most valiant things we can do for another human being is to love them through times of pain or challenge or struggle.  And I’ve made a decision to do that.

“When you’re weak, I’ll be strong. When you let go, I’ll hold on. When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes.  When you feel lost and scared to death, like you can’t take one more step.  Just take my hand, together we can do this.  I’m gonna love you through it.”

Now

Seasons come.  Seasons go.   Right now we are in my least favorite season here in Texas.  Especially when there is a drought.  It’s just hot, hot, HOT every day without seemingly an end to it.  I THRIVE in the cool crisp air that comes with autumn.  My soul comes alive when the cool air finally swooshes through taking the hot, stuffy air of summer away with it to some far-off land.

But what if there wasn’t the brutal scorching heat of these summer days?  Would the fall breezes be as welcoming?  Would I delight as much if every day was a picture-perfect fresh assault to my senses?

I sometimes hear others say things like, “I can’t wait until the summer is over” or some version of “It will be nice when x, y, or z finally arrives.”

I understand it completely.  I’ve said it myself countless times.  But now I catch myself.  I’m trying to hurry up time.  I’m wanting it to speed along till the next better thing… But I really don’t want to hurry time along.  I want to enjoy NOW.  You see, there is a luxury in thinking you have all the time in the world.  There is a luxury in complaining about today and not living in it…not being present…  in thinking you have many, many bright tomorrows.

Looking forward to the future is a common human experience.  It brings us hope, and its sidekick comfort, knowing things rarely stay the same forever.  The winds of change come in and blow away the present hardship.  And yet… when you love someone with an illness that may take them away from you … and you see a season ahead without them, NOW takes on a new meaning. Now becomes very personal…. and precious.

Surely the challenges we face in life, the times of crisis are what build our character.  Our strength isn’t increased without the weights of life.  Our stamina and endurance doesn’t grow without the treadmill and elliptical experiences.  Depth of character doesn’t just happen all by itself without our permission.

We will all go through challenges, but what matters is how we deal with them when they come along.  Obviously I am not the first person to express that truth.. but really… will we have learned anything?  Can we use what we learned to help someone else?  Has it made us more compassionate?  Or generous?  Less selfish?  I have seen people become more beautiful with each pain they experience in life…. growing in strength, wisdom and beauty.  And sadly, others who become full of resentment and bitterness.

Tree outside my bedroom window in the fall…

I often go kicking and screaming into challenges!  Oh, God must not think me an easy student of life sometimes.  But our times are in His hands.  And TODAY is all any of us has.

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.  ~Dale Carnegie

We steal if we touch tomorrow.  It is God's.  ~Henry Ward Beecher