words from the past

This morning I read over some of my words written the first year after losing Edd. A personal blog I didn't publish because it was too raw. And it touched me because of its realness.... the experiences and descriptions of a grieving widow.

It didn't make me cry. It didn't make me sad... It was poignant and human.

It made me feel loved.... He would have liked that.

It's been over three years. I've learned it takes time to heal. More time than we'd like. Some wounds are too deep to heal quickly. But we carry on and live each day taking care of our wounds as best we can until it doesn't hurt as much.

The world is hurting. Suffering is universal. Some more, maybe some less, but none of us are immune to it. It changes us and if we let it teach us we can learn things we couldn't learn any other way.

I pray for our hurting world.

Sunday, October 14, 2012
truth be told

If truth be told ....

I am still devastated by losing Edd... and it feels like yesterday and my heart aches.

I still can't sleep at night more than an hour or two at a time.

I miss him... more deeply ever day.

I haven't been able to engage in normal life... whatever that is.

I don't know how to re enter life, living it, without him.  I try to force myself, but there is  no one meeting me half way either.  And forcing anything doesn't work.

I have actually been taking care of myself, exercising, eating right, going to my doctor's appointments, putting on my makeup, looking nice, losing weight.... but for what??  I do it for myself yes... and for Edd.  Because he'd like that.

I probably am depressed ... and feel unsafe and insecure in the world.

I am very afraid of opening myself up again.

Seeing the love of my life deteriorate in front of my eyes, stealing away our dreams and life as a couple, carrying and feeling his pain, not being able to stop it... did something to me deep inside.  There is a sadness in me that I can't reach and the emotion and tears bubble up ... still.

Too bad if this doesn't fit into others' schedule of what is normal or healthy.  But it's the way it is.

Listening to some great music right now and just feeling it.... Right now a CD is pouring jams through the airwaves in my home and it feels nice.  It feels cozy and warm and I know.... in time... I'll find my way again.  In time.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012
seven months ago

You know. Of course you know. You knew how lonely I'd be for you. When you left... seven months ago. You knew my heart would ache. No one else needs to understand. How could they? Only WE know what we shared. I see that.... and it's okay. It's enough to know that you know. And you are with me. I feel you. If you were here you would look into my eyes with complete ease and full understanding. Together we always felt at home. At home with each other. Whenever we were together we were home...

wounds

In the last few years it's become apparent to me that emotional wounds are just as real as physical wounds.  Physical wounds are easy to see... they result in bleeding, pain and possible infection.  They can be ugly.  Sometimes the wound doesn't heal as quickly as another's wound.  Sometimes the wound gets better and then flares up again and needs more attention and care.  Sometimes the wound takes much longer to heal than we think it should.  

Emotional wounds are the same way.  But often we don't give them the same care and compassion. 

But we should.  We need to.

Just because we can't see a wound with our eyes... with a bandage on it, we often think they are not as important.... or even deny their existence.    We need to recognize that they need time to heal and can heal but they need loving nurturing care, just the way a physical wound does.   Sometimes others feel as though we should be "better" sooner than we are....

People we meet each day have them.  I've often thought it would be nice if we could treat people with a little more care and a little more love and just try to see beyond the physical bodies in front of us.  You know, don't take the bait and get all bent out of shape when someone ticks you off or acts like a careless idiot.  You don't have to like it, but don't let people ruin your day.  Oh I know it's hard.... people can be full of prickles and so hard to love... but I learned through losing Edd that emotional wounds take time to heal and there's no rushing the process...  just like there's no rushing a physical wound's healing.  They get better in their own time.  

It's not easy but I'd like to see beyond the physical and remember that people we meet have wounds we can't see.... and wouldn't it be nice if others took the time to care about ours as well ....  It could make all the difference.

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