today

I have a few people who ask me what I am doing for ME these days.  If I am taking care of myself.  Peace has settled into our routine a little bit this week and it's been nice.  I'll take it.... I have little expectations these days.

As I sit here now sipping a glass of Shiraz and nibbling on some pretzels with hummus, I'm thinking of and thankful for the things I enjoy that, quite frankly, make all the difference.  Oh, I'm not much different than others, but I try to really be "in the moment" these days.  Relishing the simplest of pleasures.

I am learning to let go of feeling like I need to be perfect in order for God to love me.  Grace. Rest.  How few of us really rest today.  Rest in spirit and soul...  I'm learning what's so amazing about grace.

Jacuzzi... taking the time to relax and let candlelight, aromatherapy and detoxifying bath salts take me away! 

Did I say Shiraz?  Enjoying a glass of wine, not in excess, but making celebrations out of anything and everything.

Nice conversations with family or friends.  Just being together or sharing life's happenings.  Validating, supporting, and encouraging each other....

Sitting in front of the fire... I love this time of the year.

It's mind boggling to think I can even have a regular conversation with my husband after all he's been through the last few months.  He came home from the hospital needing a wheelchair. Exchanged it for a walker.  Now needs neither.  He's rallied...  His short-term memory is quite clearly effected but we enjoy being together, we laugh, we talk, we live....  Yesterday we met with Edd's oncologist and discussed quite extensively the option of more treatments for his cancer.  As we drove home in the car, Edd said he heard what he needed to and condensed his decision down to one sentence  “I can go back on treatment (chemo) and hate every day of my life.”  I then added that we can stay as we are and LOVE every day that we have.  The decision was clear.

So it comes down to a philosophy.  Even if we pursued scans, MRI's and painful treatments with serious side-effects the amount of time we might buy is suspect.  We choose to live the time we have now in peace, being grateful for each and every day.

resting

Yesterday I was musing about how I define good days differently than I used to. These days a good day is one that doesn't include bad news or a crisis of some kind.

Ordinary is good. 

Today Edd found out his company is being bid for in a hostile takeover. Many questions arise because of it. Questions involving job, healthcare, disability insurance. Issues that are pretty important to one with serious health concerns. The day also included going for another brain MRI to see what, if any, changes have occurred since Edd's last one.  Doesn't make for a simple ordinary day.  Trying to stay positive and hopeful is a challenge. But we do.  Edd commented this afternoon, "We sure don't live the life of other couples who come home from work at the end of the day and ask each other, 'So how was your day today?'"

Maybe I just THINK other people live like that. Others may not have the same challenges we do, but no one is immune from struggles. Some people even suffer disproportionally to their smaller trials. 

No, I still haven't learned to fully rest. I still stress and fret. Sometimes it feels like not knowing how to swim and struggling to keep your head above water.  We sometimes panic before realizing we can just FLOAT for a while.  Maybe faith is a little like that. Knowing how to float and waiting, trusting that it will be okay in the end.

"When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly." 
— Edward Telle