dreams and memories

Memories DO light the corners of our mind....


Life is full of them isn't it?  There are so many thoughts going around in our mind throughout the day and through the night.  Often I'll wake with a thought and wonder now WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?    Some thoughts are awakened while we sleep.  I just wish I could clearly remember them when I wake up.  Our memories feed our dreams....


Dreams.


Recently I had a dream that was so vivid and real... unusual in that I remember it still.  I  was going to meet Edd somewhere at a certain time.  I was walking to the building where we were to meet and I was a little early, but as I got closer I could see through the window that he was already there, eagerly waiting for me, looking out with a huge smile on his face.  His face looked incredibly handsome (as it always did to me) and he was so happy to see me!  I also was overjoyed and showed it by my response to him and .... well it was a very good dream that left me smiling when I soon awoke....


Memories.


Today.  Today I remembered words from my dear husband over two years ago.  Moments before he had his second seizure in our home due to brain mets he told me he dropped a pill (or pills) he was trying to take.  It worried me because they were very important that he take them in a timely way.   I was always so careful and mindful of all he had to do, worrying over him as I so often did..... But I knew immediately something wasn't right by the way he looked at me... confusion on his face.  Soon after that he had a seizure and ended up in the hospital for weeks.....


... I always wondered about that pill or pills he said he dropped.  I searched and searched for them on the floor around the couch but never found anything.  I finally believed he said what he did in a confused state not really having dropped them .... but today...  today I found two little pills in the sofa where he had been sitting... And that memory brought  me back.    It brought me back to a difficult time.... but one full of love and hope... care and compassion....


Memories do that. 




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Today as I prayed for those I love and thought about my own life I asked God to help me to say "yes" to life in all its beauty ... and to say "no" to death in all its ugly forms.


Say yes to love and loving and kindness... joy and goodness....faith, hope....and charity... courage and generosity ... empathy and compassion.


Say no to resentment and bitterness.... jealousy, fear, envy.... greed and selfishness,  judgment and cruelty.


Life is short.  Too short.  And "there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend"....


Let the good memories guide you, teach you, lead you on to do more... be more....  The hardest and best of times have lessons to teach that must not be lost.... For they make us more full of what it means to be human.

the small stuff

Days follow days.  I'm doing the right things.  Most of them anyway.  I appear to be coping quite well.  Goes to show that no one really knows do they....  and appearances can be quite deceptive.   I'm reading.  A Grief Observed....   The Year of Magical Thinking.  It helps to get my mind on something else.  Relatable.  But there is no cure for grief.  None.

A very insightful friend who also lost her husband told me this week that "it doesn't help that you keep finding yourself 'ambushed' by the simplest things. Missing the little things even more than the big stuff. This is one time when the small stuff seems to have power to hurt beyond reason." 

A Robert Brault quote comes back to me effortlessly ....  "Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."  

I did enjoy the little things. 

I had a dream last night.  I was in the same room as Edd.  It was a full room packed with people.  The details of the dream aren't terribly important but the important thing was that we knew we were in the same room together.   My awareness of his presence was strong.  And I was certain he was aware of mine.  It felt nice... even though we didn't speak.  He was busy in charge of doing something and I was going to have some responsibility placed on me too.  But I felt good just knowing he was nearby.  I was very aware of the feeling of wanting to do well because he would know.  I didn't feel stress.... but I just wanted to do a good job because he would be there to see me.

I've had my share of bad dreams.... It's nice when you have a good one.

 

together

He filled the empty places I had. The places I didn't even realize were empty. My needs.

The need to be seen.  

The need to be loved.

The need to feel like a woman. And be wanted. Really feel wanted.

The need to be heard. And feel like someone really "got" me. Understood me. Heard me.

He was always in charge. Wanting to lend a hand.  Planning. Always planning.

The happiest times were when we did things TOGETHER.  Cooked dinner together. Went on a walk together. Had coffee together. Drank wine together. Went out to dinner together.....

I remember one wonderful dinner out he told me he used to have a recurring dream for many years before we met.    He dreamed that he was out to dinner with a wonderful woman. They were having a conversation that gave him happiness. It was fun and completely enjoyable and satisfying.  Fulfilling. He said this dream would come back to him over and over.... But he could never see the woman's face.   He always wanted a woman he could really talk to... and just enjoy BEING with.  And then he met me.

And he never had the dream again.

He looked me in the eye and said I was the woman....in his dream.

I'm glad of that.

extra-ordinary

I love when mornings begin in a peaceful way. For years now my day has begun with a cup of coffee with Edd ...and quiet conversation. Sometimes deep conversation and sometimes silly and care free. Usually about our kids or the plans of the day, current events, the weather... anything. Often there is laughter over something or another. Today it involved our dreams.

I woke and began chattering about knowing I had many dreams but couldn't quite reach back into my head far enough to pluck them out again...but I did remember one. I was going to an appointment but needed to polish my nails first. I borrowed polish from someone who had a color that matched my outfit beautifully. It was a light pale green! It was perfect and I quickly polished my nails. They were taking too long to dry though and I was late for my appointment... Huh? Weird.

When I told Edd he laughed and said, "I think it's funny that you have girl dreams and I have boy dreams". Then he told me he had dreams last night about cars and beer and work! That made me laugh. He wasn't drinking beer but calculating how much was needed for a party that was being organized. Even in his dreams Edd is solving problems. Me? I'm just polishing my nails!

I do tend to be listening and observing more than I used to though. I find it more fun to be engaged and "present" with the people around me. I listened to an old couple today as the wife filled out a questionnaire for her husband in the waiting room. She asked him questions loudly as everyone had no choice but to listen. "Do you feel tired? No. Are you constipated? No. Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Well I take them sleepin' pills remember?" Another old man shuffled in with his bossy wife who commandingly but kindly said, "Sit over there." He obeyed but his smirk made me chuckle and he teasingly commented, "Don't you laugh!" I responded, "Sometimes you just have to do what you're told." Nice ordinary people.

Many of the people around me each day are facing some awful scary and life-changing events. It's actually a privilege to just offer a smile or kind word along their journey.

Ordinary days can be extra-ordinary days if we just look around and see the potential for interaction with others and have the courage to see more than our own problems. Today was an extra-ordinary day.

*

Dreams

Dreams are very curious things to me. I am amazed at what I think up while asleep. It seems my mind works even better when I'm sleeping. If I wake in the middle of a dream I'm often perplexed at what my subconscious mind has been up to. I have such clarity of thought although sometimes the stories and subjects are convoluted and incredibly ridiculous! Sometimes I wish the dreams were true and other times I'm so thankful to wake up!

The only recurring dream I've experienced was when I was pregnant. When I got pregnant for Kristen I dreamed there were lions under the cabinets in the kitchen! They were very real to me and trying to get out to get me! I woke up terrified! I had this dream a few times. Two-and-a-half years later when I became pregnant with Jenni I had the same dreams of lions. I found that to be very interesting and came to realize my dream was revealing a profound fear I had of the unknown.

Dreams.

Today was a nice Saturday. After working around the house on various projects we treated ourselves to a great lunch out, something we always enjoy. Edd told me the story of a recurring dream he had many times over the years. He was sitting at a table in a restaurant having dinner with a woman. They are happy and are engaged in comfortable conversation. There is a great feeling of peace and contentment. The only thing odd about his dream is that he could never see the woman's face. He would wake up and think how nice the dream was ... and now recognizes the dream was revealing a need for someone special to share his life with.

He told me I was truly the woman of his dreams and it was MY face he could never see.

After we met he never had the dream again.

:-)

Plowing through life....

Today I find myself wanting to begin to touch the creative part of myself again. To express. To think. To analyze. To question. To learn.... and ultimately to grow and feel more alive. I have been shuffling along... physically... emotionally... spiritually... and I want to quicken my pace... step it up a notch or two... or three. At 48 years old I'm feeling like I need to start anew. I want to explore life and see where my passions are and pursue them. I want to matter ... and DO something that matters. I feel fulfilled... in my marriage, my home, my family (I have the most wonderful daughters on the planet) but I'm sensing a tug, that's getting stronger to pursue, reach out, expect more from myself... and not grow stagnant....

I feel as though I've been climbing uphill... a lot has happened in the last couple of months, no, couple of years.... no, 10 years.... okay yeah, my life has been slipping by. Things have occured that have zapped my strength and put me on "just put one foot in front of the other and keep on going" mode. Not so different from others I presume, but I'm feeling the desire to take better control and actually set the sails for a course. After all....

An optimist expects the wind; A pessimist complains about the wind; A realist adjusts the sails.

We'll see.