Purpose

Joy. Peace. Love. Contentment. Fear. Anxiety. Hatred. Words are powerful. They have the power to help and to heal. To build up or tear down. Words of tenderness from a loved one can change a horrible situation into something you're able to deal with. I really want to choose to use words of comfort and encouragement more than words of judgement and condemnation. I know I have often hurt others with my words in the past and I'm saddened by that. Maybe I'd do it again if I were in the same situations, but I like to think I'd be more kind.

I ponder what life is about. What each of us should strive for. Where do our treasures lie? The Bible says not to lay up treasures on earth, but in heaven. What does that even mean? Oh, I've heard numerous sermons on the subject. It is easy to see how "stuff" quickly becomes old and even useless. The more stuff we own it seems the more it owns us. I think life should be lived with purpose, but what does that mean? I'd like to strive for world peace, cure cancer, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, bring hope to the hopeless ... but I'm just one person and it all seems overwhelming.

Yesterday as I walked from my car to the grocery store a lady called out to me from her car. She was standing next to her open door and asked me if I could bring her a shopping cart which I happily did. She couldn't walk very well and needed the cart for support as she walked from her car to the store. Our days are sprinkled with things like this. People in our little universe who benefit from our existence. People in our families, in our homes, in our workplace. Random people we meet each day. I really want to be a Noticer. To live my life with a sense of purpose. The world doesn't stop when I'm in pain. It continues to revolve and people go on with their lives irregardless of what I am going through. There are many times I feel anxiety and fear, but I want my life filled with more love, peace, joy and contentment.... and to spread it around.

Thoughts and prayers for today

My mind is full of thoughts and ideas bouncing around. Amazing to me is our ability to process dreadful news and go on and live and breathe and ... smile... EVEN THOUGH. There is a tremendous resilience to the human spirit. Growing up and growing older has some wonderful aspects. Like wisdom (hopefully) and understanding and sensitivity and kindness. Oh, how I possessed so little of those qualities in my younger days and thought I knew so much! Will I think years down the road that I knew and understood so little in these present days too? Most likely!

Before we left for Edd's chemo treatment this morning we prayed. Silently. But together holding hands. Edd asked beforehand what in particular I thought we should pray about. I said we should pray that God would use the treatments and knowledge of the medical field to work through his body and fight the disease... and that we need to acknowledge that God is infinitely stronger and more powerful than cancer! So we did....

I got a lot of peace today as I prayed that God would not allow me (or Edd or other loved ones) to leave this world without showing me the truth and giving me confidence in that knowledge. The arrogance and self righteousness of Christians does a lot of harm. I am soul-pained by it. It is everywhere. News and radio shows. TV personalities who claim to speak the truth and yet are clearly motivated by greed. Insidious. The faith I have always claimed confidently has been shaken in recent years, but it is still alive. That I am sure of. I want my faith to give me the power to love more effectively. God will help us with the rest. I've asked Him to.

On daughters

Soon I'll have two married daughters. There's nothing more deeply a part of me. Nothing more precious. The time I spent with them as they were growing up is something I value beyond measure. It seems so long ago as I now see the women they have become. I am grateful for the values, sensitivities, sensibilities, wisdom, understanding I see. I so wanted to be the perfect mother. :-) I felt such a responsibility.... and always wanted to love and nurture and protect and teach. But I wasn't the perfect mother. I didn't always love perfectly but my love for them is unconditional and eternal. I believe they have taught me more than I have ever taught them myself.

When they have joy, I rejoice. When they are sad or feel pain, I feel that too. They're never far from my thoughts.

Seeing my beloved Kristen get married recently was special and brought back memories of my baby girl and how far she's come. Where is that little girl who would lay her head on my shoulder and fall asleep as soon as she was rocked? Where did that spunky little girl go who got out of her crib and into the baby powder and happily emptied most of the bottle onto everything in her room!? I hear her saying mommy come say goodnight and feel the warmth of thousands of evenings reading in bed before good night kisses. There she is standing before us with a strong will and desire to give her best to life. To bring her best to those she loves and those who love her. How proud I am of her. How I love the woman she is becoming. The wedding day was simiple... yet so very special. I was full of joy to see how beautiful she looked on that day and how she radiated joy and peace. She was lovely. She is loved. How I want her to be deeply happy and content and always hopeful. How I want the very best for her always and will be cheering her on.

Jenni, my precious Jenni will be marrying in less than a week now. I rejoice with her! But I do wonder where the years have scurried off to. Wasn't she just sitting on my lap with her biki, sucking her thumb and asking me to read a book to her? Wasn't she just helping me make Christmas cookies or bread or doing her schoolwork at the kitchen table? Isn't that her brushing her doll's hair or pretending she is some princess or mermaid or pioneer girl? When did she grow up to be such a beautiful, wise and hard-working woman? When did this little girl with big blue eyes become so strong and smart and full of depth? She will make a beautiful bride and a loving wife. She has been a wonderful daughter. I am so proud of her. Love for her is deep in my heart and soul. That will never change.

There are some things we can count on.

There will be lessons ahead to learn. There will be joy and pain. Success and sometimes failure. But may there be lots of love and always hope and an abundance of forgiveness and grace and encouragement to cover and protect in the midst of any storms that come along.

hope....

The soul searching is intense. On the one hand we have this hope that maybe we'll hear the words "it was a mistake and there's nothing to worry about", and then again we worry we will hear the worst possible news which would be that there is no hope for a cure. The two extremes bounce around in your head and I wish I could just fast forward to the meeting with the oncologist after he has the scan results and he's thought through the treatment plan. Our life is no longer in our control (if it ever was) and we are totally at the mercy of cancer and how its treatment will alter our lives. For me it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other and go through the day but I do.... I think of Edd going to work and just doing what he always does. He is definitely a soldier as well as any other who marches through the day being faithful and loyal and moving forward in spite of the pressure to fall apart, which is what I want to do.

All I thought I knew about God is tested. Edd and I talked this morning about God and why he doesn't heal, about prayer, about asking Him to help, whether He is involved, whether He cares, if we matter at all to Him. I used to be so sure, I used to have the answers to hypothetical situations, but now it's me and my precious husband and I am not seeing God's intervention, I don't feel He cares, and I don't know anything it seems. I know I've prayed for some things and He has graciously protected and saved and then I've prayed for things and the answer was "no". Are all these just random? Is it like playing roulette and spinning the wheel? Do I beg and plead for Edd's healing or do I just ask once and then seek peace with His answer? I feel so tired and weary from this journey and I know Edd must feel even more so. He is most concerned about me. I am married to an amazing man who loves me deeply.

I feel it's okay to get angry with God. He can take it. Why pretend I am not angry or hurt or worried. He knows anyway. I don't care what we have to go through. I just desire the news that there is HOPE for a cure. I'm slowly realizing that the old life that I keep wishing we could go back to simply doesn't exist. We cannot hurry up and get through with all this so that we can get back to it again.

Deep Darkness

The deep sadness I feel is overwhelming. It threatens to drown me. I try to come up for air but cannot reach the water’s surface. There is an endless river of tears.

Edd came home from work yesterday evening and I immediately knew there was something wrong. My mind didn’t want to hear what I anticipated. I knew he had a CT scan the previous day. Our greatest fear, cancer, reared its ugly head again. My husband had been through so much the last year and a half. How can he possibly face it again? So much progress had been made, so much pain had been endured. We really felt we were going to get another shot at a normal life. Our hope was destroyed.

Again we are free falling, without a safety net. No safety net in sight. The fear is all consuming. Cancer is unpredictable at best. Which is why people feel emotionally battered and broken beyond repair and yet still reach for a measure of … hope.

All I know is that I LOVE this man. He is perfect for me. He is my life and my lover and my deepest friend. I met him when I doubted love and its existence and whether it was possible to really connect to another human being. He is a precious gift to me. There are no adequate words to describe the meaning and joy and safety he brought to my heart. The way I’ve been able to curl up and feel comfort in his presence. To lose him would be to lose myself.

Edd said he is more afraid of what this news will do to ME than what it will do to him. He fears and feels my pain as I suffer for him. He cares for me more than he cares for himself. He loves me more than he loves his own life. I want to wrap my arms around him and somehow take all the pain away. Take away all the raw emotion and fear. I want to feel hope and joy and wake up from this horrible dream. But it’s not a dream. I have no idea how we will get through it. We have entered the darkness again. There is no light at this time. But we do have each other and this moment and the warmth of each others love. If that is all we have it will have to be enough.

Safe

It was such a nice Christmas. It was warm and wonderful and loving and comfortable and safe. This year was safe... yes. How I pray it remains that way for as long as possible. God's hand is upon all of us whether we believe in Him or not.

Last year can definitely be described as unsteady and without any safety. Like walking on a tight rope without a net underneath.

I feel incredibly blessed... and loved... and safe. Thank you Edd for your steady teachable understanding love ....

Thank You Lord.

Changes and then some.....

This last year has been eventful to say the least. I feel the need to write down the major events of the last 15 months. It's almost hard to believe the changes that have occurred in our lives.

It began August 5, 2008 when Edd's doctor's appointment revealed colon cancer. We were in a daze as we considered all the implications of this news. At this time we weren't even living in the same city together. We knew that needed to change quickly. Soon after that life-altering news I was laid off from my job. There were months of radiation, chemotherapy, major surgeries, infections, long hospital stays. After surgery more chemo for six months. In the midst of all this we sold a house in San Antonio, bought a home in Austin, and moved to Austin. Sold a condo in Lakeway where Edd lived before we married. We even went to Hawaii for the first time in our lives during a relatively peaceful time. Both daughters were engaged, one of Edd's sons graduated from college and another graduated from high school and began college. My life consisted of feathering our nest and striving to be a consistent source of encouragement and stability as life's changes occurred. This was no small task. The more I think about it, the more I see the deep value in working to make our house a home and being a source of consistency during an emotionally charged time.

I really hope our lives will begin to be less worrisome and more fun. In spite of all the ups and downs of the past 15 months, the buying and selling and moving, the health scares, months of recovery and healing, big life changes.... I still have a heart of contentment most of the time. There are just too many things to be thankful for. So many things... people mostly... family ... who bring me joy.