Reflections

As I approach the big five-oh, I reflect on what that means. Life passes all too quickly. I see my high school classmates one by one turn 50 and it’s fun and interesting to see all of us in light of what the years have taught us, what they’ve revealed to us about ourselves and our values… and how that equips us to live today.

Every age has its benefits. If we’ve lived as we ought we should enter each new stage better able to give and graciously accept where others are in their unique journey. I generally see in people my age a turning. A turning to appreciation. A turning to valuing experiences and people they didn’t as much before. A realization and awareness of what is lasting and what is not. A gentleness and quality of inner life that just can’t be achieved without the accumulation of years. Not everyone is like that. Many have fought against that learning and growing and have a bitter quality about them, but life has a way of smoothing out the rough sharp edges of our character if we are the lucky ones. I try not to judge though because I have only walked in MY shoes, not in another’s.

We’ve had enough disappointments to know that we can bounce back. Enough heart aches to learn compassion for the pain of others. Loved and lost enough to know the value of true love. Know that life is indeed precious and not long enough and there are never enough hours in the day for telling people we love them… for showing them how important they are to us…. but it’s deep down in the heart.

We know ourselves a bit better and aren’t afraid to admit our weaknesses and laugh about our idiosyncrasies, our humanness. What once brought us reason to wring our hands is now just a minor bump in the road that we either walk carefully over or avoid altogether.

Accumulating “stuff” doesn’t bring happiness… and the non-tangible matters a great deal more than the tangible.

There is no limit to the value of the loving face of a husband who says he’d rather have cancer and me, then not have cancer and not have me.

…being able to live without pain.

…the respect and love of your children.

…the joy that comes from helping to ease the load from another’s shoulders.

…a kind word spoken when desperately needed.

…a warm embrace and gentle word when hope is lost.

…putting your own dreams to the side (sometimes just for a time) to help make another’s come true. Loving someone THAT much where their joys become yours as well.

One of my favorite stories is about a group of mentally handicapped kids who were racing in the Special Olympics. One of them fell down as they raced to the finish line and one by one each of the others stopped to comfort the one who was on the ground in tears. They helped him up and all finished the race hand in hand with smiles on their faces.

I have so much more to learn. I know I won’t have enough time to learn all I want to or become the person I’d like to be. Life is full of joy and deep pain intertwined. There are no certainties about what lies ahead. I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but I’ll push on. I thought I’d be in a different place now, but I have to believe I’m where God wants me to be for whatever purpose He has. I want to be present and teachable. I pray I’ll have the assurance that He walks with me and will give me the strength needed for the days ahead.

Fear

Health care in America is one of the big issues in the news right now. The debate is fierce. What I see very clearly is that fear plays an enormous part in how people are processing their ideas about this issue. Many of our news stations are not news but entertainment with a definite agenda. Personalities on these stations and talk shows are in it for their own personal gain.

They are using fear to try to manipulate the masses and are very effective. I have tried to understand the issues and I'm happy we are doing something to give millions of people the opportunity to have health coverage. Heck, if we are all required to purchase it, then so be it. It will help so many millions of people in an enormous way that unless you are in their situation, it's hard to even come near to understanding. We cannot allow insurance companies to prohibit someone with a pre-existing condition from getting health insurance. The people I hear complaining aren't even going to be effected much by the changes. Trouble is, they do not believe our government and the crazy lunatic talk radio personalities are spreading the distrust and fear so that it is beyond containing. People seem to have lost their minds. These media personalities are whipping up people to disbelieve, doubt, fear and wring our hands. The manipulation is very powerful and... very effective. Even when told the truth about what the plan will do or not do ... they don't want to believe it.

I for one am glad we can begin to help those who cannot get insurance because they have had cancer or other serious illnesses in the past and will quite possibly be inflicted again. I am glad someone who becomes disabled and loses their job will still be able to get health insurance for their family and not deplete all their earthly possessions just to pay for medical services. The suffering that has occurred by those who are already devastated by illness has been compounded with the worry of what will happen to them and their families as the result of thousands upon thousands of dollars of medical expenses... Multitudes forgo getting treatment because they cannot afford it.

This all hits very, very, very close to home with me on many different levels.... with a daughter and with my husband. So many people have stories of pain and incredible anxiety in our country. I have seen almost no mercy from the critics of the current health care reform bill. I have been voting Republican for most of my life. I am ashamed now at what I am seeing and hearing. I am now seeing a party that desperately wants their power back and they are using fear to sway the masses. Many people though have been living with a lot of fear for a very long time. They have felt abandoned by their government who hasn't heard their voices to make changes. I do understand how people who are just fine with the way things are don't want to REALLY look into the eyes of those who are desperately hurting. We start believing things that aren't true just to ease our conscience to believing we don't have to DO anything to help. I've been there too.

My own husband has been treated for cancer for 18 months. His employer offers wonderful medical insurance and we have paid very little for treatment so far, but it has added up to hundreds of thousands of dollars. How can we look the other way and not strive to help someone else? What if we had no insurance when all this began? I shutter to think of what the consequences would have been. Now we are faced with more treatments, probably for the rest of his life. If he were to become disabled what then? Who would insure him then? This health care bill will benefit us if the need should arise. The burden on so many Americans is so great. It grieves me that so many have such closed hearts to only see the small price they have to pay in order to help a fellow human being. Our hearts are so hard. The Republicans are hollering loud now but where were they the last 8+ years when they had the opportunity to help fix this problem. Our President was then spending taxpayer money on invading a foreign country. Constitutional? Hmmm.... I see people just out for themselves. It all needs to be tweaked. I pray it will get better. But we cannot wait around forever for politicians to act, to make changes, to help OUR people.

I cannot understand why people are acting so strongly with fear and anger about giving people the ABILITY to purchase health care. I know I am not very eloquent with my writing, but there are people, many good, hardworking, hurting people, some very close to me, who have not been able to pay for medical attention or medications because of pre-existing conditions. Some have jobs that do not offer the option to even pay for coverage themselves. We like and expect waitresses to wait on us when we go to restaurants, right? We want people in certain occupations to help us out when we want their services, but many of them do not have nor can they afford to pay for health insurance. What if they all went away? Let's show all people respect. Maybe it has not been personal to these people, maybe they are angry at something else entirely in their lives and are not really focusing on what the issue is .... because I cannot for the life of me understand the callousness of many.

Fear. My main thought in all of this is not to be controlled by fear. Many are pushing it on to us in order to manipulate our thinking. Oh my gosh, the things I hear on the "news" shows are horrid and irresponsible. Fear is a highly effective, insidious and deceptive tactic designed to manipulate our sensibilities. Socialism? That's a bit much. Pleeeeeease..... Come on now! Let's give it a chance....

Quotes

I've always been a lover of wise thoughts and ideas. I have loved the book of Proverbs in the Bible for it's ability to make me think and bring me to greater heights of thought. I have a love for truth and understanding. I love to read quotations of others who have lived long ago and yet their words live on and still ring true today.

Today I read a few that touched me because I thought of those who lived and died and yet believed. They had lives and joys and hardships and loved and hurt and hoped ... just like I do.

I thought of Jim Elliott who was martyred at age 28 in Ecuador who said "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." He also said, "Wherever you are, be all there." A simple thought but so powerful. I've been with people who aren't with you fully. They can be in your physical presence but far from you in spirit or purpose or thought.

I read words on love by Henry Ward Beecher who lived in the 1800's. "Young love is a flame, often very hot and fierce but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals deep-burning, unquenchable". I know the love of which he speaks. I am thankful for someone who loves me deeply and whom I deeply love.

If only I could understand and fully believe others like "When we believe that God is Father we also believe that such a Father's hand will never cause his child a needless tear. We might not understand life any better, but we will not resent life any longer." (William Barclay) I am still working on this. I see such pain and suffering and sickness.... I want to believe that God has a purpose and will make things right one day. I wrestle with believing without seeing. I wrestle with faith. I wrestle with surrendering. "If a man fights his way through his doubts to the conviction that Jesus Christ is Lord he has attained to a certainty that the man who unthinkingly accepts things can never reach." (I guess I like William Barclay.)

I especially like this quote by Billy Graham regarding heaven.... "God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there." A thought I can hold onto. One that makes simple... sense!

Hope is alive with this quote by Charles Swindoll. He said "We are all faced with a series of great opportunities disguised as impossible situations." Who can't relate to that?

Just some of my thoughts today....

Purpose

Joy. Peace. Love. Contentment. Fear. Anxiety. Hatred. Words are powerful. They have the power to help and to heal. To build up or tear down. Words of tenderness from a loved one can change a horrible situation into something you're able to deal with. I really want to choose to use words of comfort and encouragement more than words of judgement and condemnation. I know I have often hurt others with my words in the past and I'm saddened by that. Maybe I'd do it again if I were in the same situations, but I like to think I'd be more kind.

I ponder what life is about. What each of us should strive for. Where do our treasures lie? The Bible says not to lay up treasures on earth, but in heaven. What does that even mean? Oh, I've heard numerous sermons on the subject. It is easy to see how "stuff" quickly becomes old and even useless. The more stuff we own it seems the more it owns us. I think life should be lived with purpose, but what does that mean? I'd like to strive for world peace, cure cancer, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, bring hope to the hopeless ... but I'm just one person and it all seems overwhelming.

Yesterday as I walked from my car to the grocery store a lady called out to me from her car. She was standing next to her open door and asked me if I could bring her a shopping cart which I happily did. She couldn't walk very well and needed the cart for support as she walked from her car to the store. Our days are sprinkled with things like this. People in our little universe who benefit from our existence. People in our families, in our homes, in our workplace. Random people we meet each day. I really want to be a Noticer. To live my life with a sense of purpose. The world doesn't stop when I'm in pain. It continues to revolve and people go on with their lives irregardless of what I am going through. There are many times I feel anxiety and fear, but I want my life filled with more love, peace, joy and contentment.... and to spread it around.

Thoughts and prayers for today

My mind is full of thoughts and ideas bouncing around. Amazing to me is our ability to process dreadful news and go on and live and breathe and ... smile... EVEN THOUGH. There is a tremendous resilience to the human spirit. Growing up and growing older has some wonderful aspects. Like wisdom (hopefully) and understanding and sensitivity and kindness. Oh, how I possessed so little of those qualities in my younger days and thought I knew so much! Will I think years down the road that I knew and understood so little in these present days too? Most likely!

Before we left for Edd's chemo treatment this morning we prayed. Silently. But together holding hands. Edd asked beforehand what in particular I thought we should pray about. I said we should pray that God would use the treatments and knowledge of the medical field to work through his body and fight the disease... and that we need to acknowledge that God is infinitely stronger and more powerful than cancer! So we did....

I got a lot of peace today as I prayed that God would not allow me (or Edd or other loved ones) to leave this world without showing me the truth and giving me confidence in that knowledge. The arrogance and self righteousness of Christians does a lot of harm. I am soul-pained by it. It is everywhere. News and radio shows. TV personalities who claim to speak the truth and yet are clearly motivated by greed. Insidious. The faith I have always claimed confidently has been shaken in recent years, but it is still alive. That I am sure of. I want my faith to give me the power to love more effectively. God will help us with the rest. I've asked Him to.

On daughters

Soon I'll have two married daughters. There's nothing more deeply a part of me. Nothing more precious. The time I spent with them as they were growing up is something I value beyond measure. It seems so long ago as I now see the women they have become. I am grateful for the values, sensitivities, sensibilities, wisdom, understanding I see. I so wanted to be the perfect mother. :-) I felt such a responsibility.... and always wanted to love and nurture and protect and teach. But I wasn't the perfect mother. I didn't always love perfectly but my love for them is unconditional and eternal. I believe they have taught me more than I have ever taught them myself.

When they have joy, I rejoice. When they are sad or feel pain, I feel that too. They're never far from my thoughts.

Seeing my beloved Kristen get married recently was special and brought back memories of my baby girl and how far she's come. Where is that little girl who would lay her head on my shoulder and fall asleep as soon as she was rocked? Where did that spunky little girl go who got out of her crib and into the baby powder and happily emptied most of the bottle onto everything in her room!? I hear her saying mommy come say goodnight and feel the warmth of thousands of evenings reading in bed before good night kisses. There she is standing before us with a strong will and desire to give her best to life. To bring her best to those she loves and those who love her. How proud I am of her. How I love the woman she is becoming. The wedding day was simiple... yet so very special. I was full of joy to see how beautiful she looked on that day and how she radiated joy and peace. She was lovely. She is loved. How I want her to be deeply happy and content and always hopeful. How I want the very best for her always and will be cheering her on.

Jenni, my precious Jenni will be marrying in less than a week now. I rejoice with her! But I do wonder where the years have scurried off to. Wasn't she just sitting on my lap with her biki, sucking her thumb and asking me to read a book to her? Wasn't she just helping me make Christmas cookies or bread or doing her schoolwork at the kitchen table? Isn't that her brushing her doll's hair or pretending she is some princess or mermaid or pioneer girl? When did she grow up to be such a beautiful, wise and hard-working woman? When did this little girl with big blue eyes become so strong and smart and full of depth? She will make a beautiful bride and a loving wife. She has been a wonderful daughter. I am so proud of her. Love for her is deep in my heart and soul. That will never change.

There are some things we can count on.

There will be lessons ahead to learn. There will be joy and pain. Success and sometimes failure. But may there be lots of love and always hope and an abundance of forgiveness and grace and encouragement to cover and protect in the midst of any storms that come along.

hope....

The soul searching is intense. On the one hand we have this hope that maybe we'll hear the words "it was a mistake and there's nothing to worry about", and then again we worry we will hear the worst possible news which would be that there is no hope for a cure. The two extremes bounce around in your head and I wish I could just fast forward to the meeting with the oncologist after he has the scan results and he's thought through the treatment plan. Our life is no longer in our control (if it ever was) and we are totally at the mercy of cancer and how its treatment will alter our lives. For me it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other and go through the day but I do.... I think of Edd going to work and just doing what he always does. He is definitely a soldier as well as any other who marches through the day being faithful and loyal and moving forward in spite of the pressure to fall apart, which is what I want to do.

All I thought I knew about God is tested. Edd and I talked this morning about God and why he doesn't heal, about prayer, about asking Him to help, whether He is involved, whether He cares, if we matter at all to Him. I used to be so sure, I used to have the answers to hypothetical situations, but now it's me and my precious husband and I am not seeing God's intervention, I don't feel He cares, and I don't know anything it seems. I know I've prayed for some things and He has graciously protected and saved and then I've prayed for things and the answer was "no". Are all these just random? Is it like playing roulette and spinning the wheel? Do I beg and plead for Edd's healing or do I just ask once and then seek peace with His answer? I feel so tired and weary from this journey and I know Edd must feel even more so. He is most concerned about me. I am married to an amazing man who loves me deeply.

I feel it's okay to get angry with God. He can take it. Why pretend I am not angry or hurt or worried. He knows anyway. I don't care what we have to go through. I just desire the news that there is HOPE for a cure. I'm slowly realizing that the old life that I keep wishing we could go back to simply doesn't exist. We cannot hurry up and get through with all this so that we can get back to it again.