Been in the hospital with Edd for over a week now.  He had seizures and his cognitive skills have been greatly effected. Though I have not the strength or will to write all the details I would like to just write some thoughts and express the depth of my heartbreak, my numbness. I am somewhat on autopilot, just doing what needs to be done. I guess that's good for now.

I walked out of Edd's hospital room last night to get another blanket and unexpectedly encountered his nurse outside the door with tears in her eyes. The hall was quiet and we talked. Even she had personal pain. She told me her mom was dying too with a type of pulmonary disease. As I expressed compassion she apologized for showing that emotion knowing I already had enough of my own problems.  I told her it was somewhat comforting to know I was not the only one with grief.  She also said there was a woman in a nearby room, like me, going through the same type of hurt... And would I like to talk with her. She said she'd also ask the woman if she'd like to talk with me.... She did... So maybe we will meet at some point.

I don't know if this is permanent, but scrambled thoughts and confusion is now the norm.  Somewhere between reality and random unrelated ideas in his mind.  The heart is still gentle though. This conversation occurred this morning.


Him: That's so nice. You're here with the captain, your baby and your husband.

Me: Huh? Who is my baby?

Him: (smile) Kristen

Me: Who is my husband?

Him: (thinking) I don't know.

Me: Edd is my husband. I'm Kathi.

Him: (smiling ...and staring at me with tears in his eyes) He's a lucky man....

Me: She is a lucky woman too.

We smiled a long time staring into each others tear-filled eyes.

This love has changed, but it is still there.


“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

being a daughter

We've had lots of company during the last month.  It's been good.  But now that they've all gone home it seems extra quiet around the house.  I'm feeling a sense of peace that can only be explained by the fact that others are praying for us... for me.

Having my parents visit was extra special because I felt like a little girl again in some ways... and loved... and totally accepted.   You see, it doesn't matter how old you are.  You still need your mom and dad. 

I always feel so responsible with the need to be strong.  It was nice to be a daughter again.  I sometimes forget.  I feel like a mother often.  A wife ... for sure.  But not always a daughter.  I have the best parents in the world.

Last week I got to relish in it again though.  We had so much fun even in the midst of serious health concerns.  

Hanging out having coffee

Mom making a wonderful pork tenderloin dinner!

Jenni popped in from time to time too.

Nicky liked that!

A highlight was going to The European Bistro.  Authentic Hungarian food.  The owner, Anna, is from Hungary.   She kind of flirted with my dad, but Mom said she didn't mind.  Edd said if someone flirted with me, he'd deck him!  :-)

Dad with the Hungarian owner.

They had Bull's Blood, a Hungarian wine Dad enjoyed when visiting Hungary a few years back.

and a Hungarian white wine ... 

Freshly baked bread with a cream cheese, feta cheese and paprika spread.

The desserts were super deeelish... 

We even put up the Christmas tree though it's not decorated yet.

The week is over, but the memories are still with me.  I felt like I was nurtured.   I remembered that I am a daughter.  I remembered that I have the best parents in the world and that I am loved.

one day at a time

It's been a rough few weeks.  After the cyberknife and continual chemo Edd's side effects were brutal.  His mouth sores were over-the-top severe and others got really bad too.  So much so that we called his mom to help and she came to visit from the Houston area.  He developed a sore (hematoma) on his abdomen that got bigger and bigger, needed surgery, and is now a large wound needing care. 

Went to the oncologist this a.m. and he'll stop chemo for a while.  The wound is beginning (fingers crossed) to heal.  I am doing the wound care… told the doctor there that I could get a job with them now!  … nice people… We have encountered wonderful people all along this journey.

I know we will need to stop chemo for good eventually.  For now though we take one day at a time.  We talked today about how even though it often feels like too hard a road to travel, God has also been beside us all the way.  It is interesting the way it has changed us. In some strange way I feel as though God is molding me and making me a better person though the experience.  It is also interesting the way I can go from a strong, pragmatic, courageous, intelligent in-charge woman ....  to a fearful, weak, totally-drained little girl who wants to cry and is unsure of what to do next.  One who has lost herself in all of this.  The little girl comes out every once in a while.  Most of the time I have confidence and a "one day at a time" attitude that serves me well.... and gives both of us strength.

But when the little girl needs to come out... I let her.

bittersweet

I looked at fall a little differently today. I usually love to see the colored leaves and feel the cool air and I still see its beauty and richness, but today I also saw its coldness. It looked and felt lonely to me. It signaled the end of growth and new life. The opposite of spring.

Since living in the south I have probably loved fall more than ever because I welcome the end of hot oppressive summer temperatures, but fall is the transition into winter... and in many parts of the country winter can be brutal and harsh, long and frigid.

I looked at pictures of autumn and got a deeply lonely feeling. I felt a sad sort of longing. Maybe the feeling came from deep in my past memories when autumn ushered in cozy times of fireplace warmth and mugs of hot chocolate.... Or maybe the feeling was one of endings and change and moving on... which are things that have never exactly come easy to me.

But change comes. It is one thing we can always count on. Things don't stay the same. Just when you think things will always be just the way they are now life does a flip flop....autumn comes and then winter and ..... changes come ever so slowly... but surely.

So autumn seems bittersweet to me. Sort of how life has felt lately.

Bittersweet

I can do this

Today Edd is getting his second cyberknife treatment. The doctor will zap a few more tumors in his brain.  They make it all sound like routine, these doctors, nurses and technicians, but geeze, the brain! There is nothing casual or routine about it.

Edd is acting a little bit different. A little bit ... off maybe.  A little more emotional, a little more, in his words, fragile. He really needs reassurance ... And a lot of affection and love.

I can do that. I can give that.

He has always been the strong one. He was the one in control. I need to be that now.  And I will.

This man is my hero. He is like a good soldier going off to battle day after day. Standing tall.  He endures each new thing, each new development, each new procedure like a strong warrior.

He is my hero.

My tears are not flowing at the moment. There is too much time now for caring and holding and reassuring and sharing and expressing love. So much love.

I can do this.

keeping on....

This has been quite a week.  When it was still all in front of us it seemed liked a mountain to climb and even though we are not out of the woods yet, it's clear we are moving ahead one step at a time.    

Edd got the planning scans done for the cyber knife brain radiation he will be getting next week.  It is all very amazing what doctors can do these days.  Kind of scary... ok, very scary, but also great that there are more options for people than ever before.  We have encountered people who really care... or they sure act like they do!  

The week was one filled with many unknowns.  We still don't know what will happen with Edd's employment status at his workplace which was just bought out through a hostile takeover.  He's now on full time disability, but is still in transition and this takeover adds to the stresses that arise from unanswered questions.  We still remain hopeful though that after the dust settles we will be okay.  I am so grateful for those who lift us up to Heaven in prayer.  Boy do we need it.  Times like this you realize just how little power we have over situations that come up in our lives.

It was nice to make dinner last night with Jenni.

Nice for me to get out in my garden this morning and get my hands dirty.... (manicure this afternoon)....

There will be fears I'll most likely succumb to again (drat). Things I'll worry over.  Some things will come our way, and some things won't.  Some good.  Some not so good.  But I'll just keep trying to remember that God has a plan and I want to be a willing participant instead of a resister.... keep the line of communication open and keep trusting He'll take care of us.  And just keep loving each other through whatever comes.

Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow -- perhaps it all will.

-- Albert Einstein

Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
-- Margaret B. Runbeck

It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. 
-- Laura Ingalls Wilder

thoughts for today

Why NOT us? Why not a big fat miracle? We aren't that different than anyone else who has asked God for healing.  We know he can. I am asking. Why NOT us?

I've been changed. Totally. I'll  never be the same. Did He have to completely break my heart into thousands of tiny pieces? Is that how hard I had become? Or was in danger of becoming? 

Appreciate. Don't take precious times, moments, for granted. Never feel entitled to anything. So much in life is a precious gift.

What if?  Just musing.  But what if what everyone believed DID come true? What if you believed in God and had faith he would bring you to heaven some day and He did! And what if you had no faith, no trust and believed in nothing... and you got... a great big NOTHING. What if you believed you'd be a star up in the sky... and that's just what you became.... I choose to believe in Jesus and his redemption.  I choose to believe God is real and loves me and has a bigger better brighter more fabulous future for me and my loved ones. Bigger than I could ever imagine.

It was a tough day. Sometimes we just have to be strong for someone else. Helping them to have the faith and hope to go on. And sometimes someone has to believe for us when our strength and hope is  hollow.  I am so glad for those who stand in the gap for me... It renews my faith and gives me strength to not lose heart.