thoughts about stress

Stress.  Yeah, I've had it.  I took care of my husband with cancer for almost four years only to watch him lose his life to the horrid disease.   I watched my mom take her last breath exactly one year later.  The two rocks in my life.... gone....  My oldest daughter struggles with addictions that I can't fix.   Some decided I wasn't good enough for them and rejected me for following my husband's wishes.   Faith?  I've struggled with that too.  What gave me peace for the last three decades is just not giving me the answers I need right now. 

But I have hope.  Because I am not going to give up the search.  I am getting there and will be all the stronger because of it.  Because of all of it.   Learning lessons that only adversity can teach.... I know God knows all and I have no regrets or guilt... so that gives me courage and hope... I lean on my friends and my family. ....  but I'm only human with limitations so I strive to gain the strength I need.

We all do. 

Funny (well, not really.)  So many of us today struggle with stress in our lives.  It's a tough world.  According to the American Psychological Association (APA) 77% of people regularly experience physical symptoms caused by stress.  That's a lot of folks! 

Today, while at a doctor's appointment, I talked to the nurse who administered a quick EKG of my heart.  As I told her the stresses in my life, she responded with understanding and began to tell me of the stresses in HER life.  I then became the compassionate listener as I heard of her losing a child six years ago.  She said she will sometimes turn on the news and hear of all the horrible things going on and feel a bit overwhelmed with it all..... 

Yup... We are all not that much different if we are honest with one another.  One man in the waiting room spoke to me a couple of times, almost yelling across the room at me stating.... "How's your blood pressure?"  and "Are you filling out all those forms?"   When I lifted my head to look at him, smiling, he then said that it gave him too much stress to answer all those questions!!   I told him I understood.  Honestly, there were about 8 pages of paperwork to fill out for this doctor's appointment.  Possibly a bit overwhelming for an 80-year-old man who came to his appointment holding a blood pressure monitor in his hands..... I wanted to give him a hug..... I see people differently than I used to....

Sometimes all we need is to have something tweaked health wise... some good advice.   And sometimes we just need someone to tell us we are okay and then somehow we are... and our symptoms vanish in time.  Of course sometimes it's serious and by being proactive we stop a catastrophe from occurring.

But most of the time the stresses in life pass and we deal with them and move forward as best we can.

restyled

When Edd asked me to marry him back in 2007, on New Year's Day, it was one of the best days of my life.  Not only because of how happy his proposal made me, but because the ring he chose was so incredibly beautiful.   It gave me great joy to wear it.

After losing him I found comfort in wearing my rings .... but after a while looking down at them brought pain.  Everyone is different.  I have another widow friend who still wears her wedding rings and does so with great happiness.  I couldn't bear to wear them, but I couldn't bear to have them stay tucked away in my jewelry box either.  It made me sad to see them there.   I've wondered what to do and found a perfect solution for me this weekend.

  

The jewelry store where we purchased the rings was having a reuse/renew/restyle event that I went to.  I was able to pick out a new setting and I did!  It's completely different than the original and now my beautiful diamond sits in a white and rose gold setting that accents this Masterpiece perfectly!

I am also going to get the original setting and my wedding band disconnected and have the band saved in its original state.  Then I'll get another gemstone (Edd's birthstone perhaps?) put into the original engagement ring setting .... 

I love it.  It's bringing joy again ... and I know Edd would be pleased....  

... pleased that I can move forward... and still honor our love and special memories!

Restyled

The original

favorite things this week....

New friends ..... happy hour or a movie out, lunch gatherings  .... 

I rediscovered Hawthorne... as in Nathaniel .... and I'm enjoying reading his short stories.... liking the moral allegories and thought-provoking tales.  Last read was "The Ambitious Guest".

Also rediscovered the library (surely my librarian mom is pleased, right?).... and free audio books.... Listening to something good feeds my mind and makes me laugh depending on what I'm listening to! 

Exercising ... (oh why can't I be a tad more consistent?)  I probably do better than most... but not as good as I should.

Reducing the "noise" in my life.

Quotes.... I love 'em!...... Here are some favorites this week....(all by Robert Brault)

"The toughest test of good judgment is to know 

when to withhold your better judgment."

"It can be a lifelong battle to try to love someone 

through the chinks in their armor."

"A river never beats its head against obstacles.  

It always goes around, and it always gets to the sea."

"Two raindrops, flung from the heavens, merge on a windowpane.  

A chance meeting?  Tell it to the two raindrops."

and my favorite....

The mind, as you age,

Is an artist, it seems.

Monet paints your mem'ries,

Picasso your dreams. 

Ah... I relate.....

Favorite story....

The story celebrates love.  The best kind of love.  Loyal and enduring.  I wish our society honored older people more.  Much more.   Many feel they've been forgotten.  We need to slow down, be polite and considerate ... show kindness.... and listen to their stories.   This story touched me so much..... there are many like him.  Many older folks feel invisible....and that breaks my heart....


*********


"It is not necessary to be strong in every place if in the place you are vulnerable, you are loved."

rainy days are nice around here

Loving the rain we've had this week.  I noticed that the outside temperature is often lower than the inside temperature and that is pretty unusual for mid-July in Texas.  Even throughout the night the thermometer rarely goes below 76 this time of year.   The parched ground is getting a good soaking and somehow it just does my soul good as well.

My poor daughter and son-in-law though.  They are desperately wanting to see more progress on the building of their house so they don't have to live with me for the next five years!!!  The foundation was going to be poured this week.  Don't know whether that was possible with this rain.  Oh, the uncontrollable things of life!   We were all cozy and comfy inside today ... although I heard a strange high-pitched noise and in my confused state (which I find myself in quite regularly actually!) I went to different places in the house to just ... listen intently... What the ... what IS that?  ... and where is it coming from... Then it hit me!

I had recently bought an alarm and put it in the water heater pan up in the attic.  If my water heater begins to leak the alarm will let me know before any water damage can occur in the lower levels of the house.   Nifty little device actually.   So I rushed up the attic ladder to find a bit of water from the roof dripping into the pan of the water heater!!  I mean, really, what were the chances of that?!!  The water heater was fine, but the roof was leaking a little bit right into the water heater pan below!  Practically dripping on the water alarm!  Oh, the joys of being a home owner.  It's always something.

Talked to my dad too.... He of course is still going through his own hell of missing my mom...  It's good for him to talk about her... and just be told he's normal to feel such sadness.  He told me he had a really bad night a couple nights ago and couldn't sleep so he got up around midnight.  Said he decided to make pancakes!!  Made 22 of them!!!  Said he was really on a roll!  I couldn't help but burst out laughing and he laughed too... and laugh we did.  I'm sure it wasn't funny to him at the time, but when you share it with someone else you can kind of find the humor in it... Now I think it will be our little joke to make us laugh when we need to.  I'm thankful for the healing properties in laughter!

But it was a good day.  After a nice dinner of chicken made in the crock pot, I thought the day would end perfectly if we ran up the street to Austin Scoops.  Some Madagascar vanilla bean ice cream with crushed Reese's peanut butter cup made for a good ending... topped off with a cup of chamomile and mint tea to close out the day!

a quick musing...

memories

rushing through 

filled with scenes that speed by like a freight train

stop... slow it down

let's take another look

relishing those that brought joy and healing and peace and ... rewind... show that one again.... and again.
and that one?
looking hesitatingly through squinted eyes
dare I?
maybe just for a moment
ok, enough.
 

what is life but an accumulation of memories

and lessons learned

growing one on top of another

we turn our heads to look back and see

What?  did that really happen?

it did, it was LIVED yet feels like a dream

 

the dream continues and we add to it day by day

more memories to be made

all adding up to

a life

 

adapting

Mmmm.  It's been so nice here in Texas.  Especially as I listen to weather reports around the country.  I know I wouldn't like to live in a snowy climate any more.  My body would have a hard time adapting to that.  I used to be invigorated by the cold!  What happened to that girl? 

I was thinking this morning that this was just about perfect.  The day warms up and then the night cools down considerably.  In the morning my furnace kicks on just to take the chill out of the house as I'm shuffling over to the coffee pot to make a cup of fresh brew.   Of course that Texas heat that we all love to complain about will return in time too, but for now.... I'm just enjoying.

Yesterday as I ran my errands and walked to my car I felt this "beachy" feeling.  I don't know how to explain it except to say it reminded me of days gone by.  It brought me back to a time sitting on a beach blanket at the New Jersey shore with a warm ocean breeze blowing through my hair and the warmth of the sun soaking into my skin. To riding bicycles on the boardwalk in Wildwood.  Funny how a sight, smell, or some random thought can do that.  I'm beginning to hear the birds sing again in the morning.  The winter months can be so quiet.  It seems all living things go into a silent rest.

Seasons.  There is a time for that silent rest.

I have satellite radio in my car. There are some good programs and I always seem to learn something or take away some "food for thought".    I used to find myself saying to Edd "today I heard this on the radio.... they were talking about....  What do you think of that?"   We talked about anything and everything.  Today I heard someone make a comment that "Depression is when nothing matters.  Sadness is when everything matters."  Made me realize I don't have a tendency toward depression.  Even after all that has happened .... But sadness...  yes.   There seems to be a poignancy to everything.

But today?  Today I'll relish life, breathe deeply and put one foot in front of the other moving forward knowing I'd miss so much if I didn't. 

One faces the future with one's past.  ~Pearl S. Buck

a rising hope

I feel hope rise more and more with a new ability to look ahead without fear.  Gaining confidence I lost when I lost him.  Growing strong where the weak and fragile places existed.   Ceasing to be swayed by the unpredictability of the wind. 

Vulnerability can be staggering ... strength and courage has to be found somewhere within.

Though I question, God gave us what we could handle I guess.  I mean, I'm still here.  And him?  I still think of how he "handled" it all.  How could I ever forget?  Words escape me in describing it.  It's locked into my brain and seared into my soul.  The strength.... only God could have been the source.   It changed me.   I was a witness and I was a part of it.  It rearranged my psyche.   My perspectives will be forever altered.   

I've learned.  I've learned so much.  I don't even feel like the same person.  At times I thought I was hardening.  A rock.  But when that rock shattered it came back together soft and pliable with a deeper understanding of others, of life... and of myself.


Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott

Kindness, like a boomerang, always returns. ~Author Unknown