Love and inspiration

I'm not very good at trying to be inspirational if I don't feel it or forcing creativity. I love to write and think through life's issues, but the truth is, I'm not feeling very inspirational and I don't feel I have much to say. My heart is jammed up and my brain has starts and stops of grand thoughts and ideas... sadly not for long.

I began this blog when I felt very hopeful and as though my life was full of possibilities and exciting adventures. Edd and I had been through the fire with his cancer and we thought we were through the worst. Now it has become the new normal and we are still trying to figure out how to LIVE with it. It seems to swallow me up sometimes making me feel like a child who doesn't feel safe.

I was thinking today while sitting with Edd in the waiting room of the doctor's office that if I could just take half of his treatments and he the other half. If I could just ease some of the discomfort so he didn't have to feel it all. But then again, one time he said to me he thought this whole process might be even harder on me than it is on him because it's hard to see someone you love hurting and not be able to do a damn thing about it, not be able to change or fix things. And I AM a fixer. I want to make everything better and some things just can't be fixed apart from an act of God.

LOVE is many things I suppose. An emotion or feeling. A desire. Mostly, I think it is a verb... an action verb. Something we DO or don't do to benefit another person. To give them hope and strength and courage. It's the opposite of selfishness. There's not much room for selfishness in a loving relationship. I read a quote the other day that said the one who loves the least controls the relationship. That is open for debate, but if it's talking about a person being selfish and always demanding their own way then yes, I'd have to agree that their love is lacking. I couldn't deliberately hurt someone I love. It would be as if I cut off my own arm. It would hurt me as well.

As I write this entry I realize that I DO have a lot of things to say. But they are bottled up deep inside and I probably need some kind of outlet. And I need to seek to find one.

Simple acts of caring

Often it is the very simple things that bless our hearts. I seem to get joy from things that are rarely associated with a price tag. Sometimes it's a memory, or a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes it's a note of encouragement from a friend or a kind gesture from a stranger.

Yesterday I stopped at the gas station and then proceeded to the car wash that I selected when purchasing my gas. Before entering I was flagged down by a man who was very concerned! He told me my gas cap wasn't put back on and was warning me very kindly yet excitedly that I better not go into the car wash like that or water will get into my gas tank!! I thanked him profusely for letting me know! I was grateful there are people like that in the world.

Today while at the doctor's office with Edd I witnessed a very simple exchange between a husband and wife yet it was touching and precious to me. An old woman sat dozing in the waiting room as her husband's doctor approached and gently woke her. When her husband shuffled over they teased her a bit when she said she wasn't asleep but just resting! Apparently her thin husband had a heart condition and also a bandage on his toe. When they finally got up to leave the man kindly said to his wife, "you stay here I'll go get the car" since no one could park very close to the building. She didn't quite hear him and he repeated himself to which she replied, "oh, I'm going with you." As they walked away I heard him say, "no, you're not...." and then they were out of my view. I would have enjoyed what what was said next I bet. I looked up and saw another woman across from me with the same smile on her face as my own. It was clear this couple had been together for a long time... and he still wanted to take care of her even though he himself was shuffling along and stooped over.

Precious. Simple acts of caring give me a peaceful heart.

It's a crazy world we live in. If I could somehow communicate to young people today what love is it would look very different from what is shown in today's programming and messages. It's a genuine concern and regard for the good of another. It's waking up every morning and wondering what you can do this day to make the life of another better or show you care. It's wanting to give another your best. It's like having your favorite peice of cake in front of you. How will you share it? How much of it do you give away? The more we hold onto for ourselves, the less we are able to keep.

Things beyond our control

Many aspects of life are difficult to understand. There are things that we can control in life and some things that we cannot. Many of the things that happened outside of my control turned out to be tremendous blessings I would not trade for the world. Like my children who weren't exactly planned. But they WERE planned by God and I cannot imagine life without them. Like my divorce which was devastating and yet led me down the path to meeting a man who loves me and is totally committed to my good and happiness.

It's often through things we do not plan and wouldn't seek out that lead us to a richer place. New discoveries about ourselves, life and love.

Edd's cancer. Sometimes the reality of it all can bring me to despair and deep deep sadness when I think about how it has changed our lives. Other times I am amazed and humbled and in awe of all God has given us through it by way of perspective and appreciation of life. I admit though that I have far to go in acceptance and understanding.

Some things are so personal I just cannot bring myself to share them ... they'll have to stay in my heart to ponder but the changes that come through having to deal with devastating news is a bittersweet journey.

Gone is the "luxury" of holding a grudge, being selfish, withholding affection, languishing in self pity, playing any number of little relationship games that couples play to get attention. It's just no longer a part of the equation (if it ever was) or who we are as a couple. Not when we rely on each other's strength so much. The strength and courage I see each and every day from the man I live with is inspiring and gives me strength to love him even more.

My heart is so full and I can't even begin to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Maybe someday more that is inside and the lessons I've learned will come to the surface but for now this is all I'm able to express. Just the tip of the iceberg.

I've cried out to God for understanding and wisdom many times in my life... for mercy and for grace and for deliverance. I have to believe that He has something in the pain and grief we go through to teach us. That there is a purpose and something He wants us to learn or understand. Sometimes it's so hard to see it, but I'll continue to be open to whatever it is.... in time.

A couple of quotes from books by Michael J. Fox who deals with Parkinson's Disease. His optimism is very inspiring to me....

"It may seem hard to believe, but it's catastrophe that offers the most promise for an even richer life. This is the gateway to the good stuff. In other words, you never truly know which way the wind is blowing until the shit hits the fan."

If you were to rush into this room right now and announce that you had struck a deal - with God, Allah, Buddha, Christ, Krishna, Bill Gates, whomever - in which the ten years since my diagnosis could be magically taken away, traded in for ten more years as the person I was before - I would, without a moment's hesitation, tell you to take a hike."

Body and soul

I had some interesting thoughts tonight that caused my mind to reflect on and appreciate this body I have. The one I've had a love-hate relationship with all my life. It made me sad to think of how I haven't appreciated my body for all it gives to me and how much it serves me even when I'm not treating it as well as I ought to.

I believe as C.S. Lewis said, "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." The most important part of me is what is on the inside. What makes me ME and not somebody else. Why I look the way I do is a mystery only God knows, but for some reason I have the characteristics that I do, the genes, the strengths and weaknesses that are unique to me. I can't control all that goes on in my body. It's not going to live forever. It's finite. Parts will wear out. My eyesight gets worse every year and my ears aren't as sharp and, well, I won't even go on to mention other parts!

I feel a bit sad that I haven't honored my body like I should have at times. It's done so much for me. Most of the time it's done exactly as I've asked it to. It's brought me to countless places to experience new things, healed when sick, lovingly been used to comfort others. It has carried, given birth, nurtured, and taken care of two other human beings. And yet I've often not given it the respect it deserved.

I wonder if God tests people by giving them certain attributes to see how they will use and respond to what they have been given. Great beauty can often be a source of great pride and can be an advantage or a disadvanage depending on how it's used and what path is chosen. How arrogant of some to think they somehow are better than others just because of what shows on the outside. What is more important is what's underneath it all.

I want to treat my body with more respect. Rest when it's tired and give it what it needs to be healthy and function at its best. Not abuse it with too much of this or too little of that. We only get one.

I'm going to remember this every day from now on.....

Reflections

As I approach the big five-oh, I reflect on what that means. Life passes all too quickly. I see my high school classmates one by one turn 50 and it’s fun and interesting to see all of us in light of what the years have taught us, what they’ve revealed to us about ourselves and our values… and how that equips us to live today.

Every age has its benefits. If we’ve lived as we ought we should enter each new stage better able to give and graciously accept where others are in their unique journey. I generally see in people my age a turning. A turning to appreciation. A turning to valuing experiences and people they didn’t as much before. A realization and awareness of what is lasting and what is not. A gentleness and quality of inner life that just can’t be achieved without the accumulation of years. Not everyone is like that. Many have fought against that learning and growing and have a bitter quality about them, but life has a way of smoothing out the rough sharp edges of our character if we are the lucky ones. I try not to judge though because I have only walked in MY shoes, not in another’s.

We’ve had enough disappointments to know that we can bounce back. Enough heart aches to learn compassion for the pain of others. Loved and lost enough to know the value of true love. Know that life is indeed precious and not long enough and there are never enough hours in the day for telling people we love them… for showing them how important they are to us…. but it’s deep down in the heart.

We know ourselves a bit better and aren’t afraid to admit our weaknesses and laugh about our idiosyncrasies, our humanness. What once brought us reason to wring our hands is now just a minor bump in the road that we either walk carefully over or avoid altogether.

Accumulating “stuff” doesn’t bring happiness… and the non-tangible matters a great deal more than the tangible.

There is no limit to the value of the loving face of a husband who says he’d rather have cancer and me, then not have cancer and not have me.

…being able to live without pain.

…the respect and love of your children.

…the joy that comes from helping to ease the load from another’s shoulders.

…a kind word spoken when desperately needed.

…a warm embrace and gentle word when hope is lost.

…putting your own dreams to the side (sometimes just for a time) to help make another’s come true. Loving someone THAT much where their joys become yours as well.

One of my favorite stories is about a group of mentally handicapped kids who were racing in the Special Olympics. One of them fell down as they raced to the finish line and one by one each of the others stopped to comfort the one who was on the ground in tears. They helped him up and all finished the race hand in hand with smiles on their faces.

I have so much more to learn. I know I won’t have enough time to learn all I want to or become the person I’d like to be. Life is full of joy and deep pain intertwined. There are no certainties about what lies ahead. I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but I’ll push on. I thought I’d be in a different place now, but I have to believe I’m where God wants me to be for whatever purpose He has. I want to be present and teachable. I pray I’ll have the assurance that He walks with me and will give me the strength needed for the days ahead.

Fear

Health care in America is one of the big issues in the news right now. The debate is fierce. What I see very clearly is that fear plays an enormous part in how people are processing their ideas about this issue. Many of our news stations are not news but entertainment with a definite agenda. Personalities on these stations and talk shows are in it for their own personal gain.

They are using fear to try to manipulate the masses and are very effective. I have tried to understand the issues and I'm happy we are doing something to give millions of people the opportunity to have health coverage. Heck, if we are all required to purchase it, then so be it. It will help so many millions of people in an enormous way that unless you are in their situation, it's hard to even come near to understanding. We cannot allow insurance companies to prohibit someone with a pre-existing condition from getting health insurance. The people I hear complaining aren't even going to be effected much by the changes. Trouble is, they do not believe our government and the crazy lunatic talk radio personalities are spreading the distrust and fear so that it is beyond containing. People seem to have lost their minds. These media personalities are whipping up people to disbelieve, doubt, fear and wring our hands. The manipulation is very powerful and... very effective. Even when told the truth about what the plan will do or not do ... they don't want to believe it.

I for one am glad we can begin to help those who cannot get insurance because they have had cancer or other serious illnesses in the past and will quite possibly be inflicted again. I am glad someone who becomes disabled and loses their job will still be able to get health insurance for their family and not deplete all their earthly possessions just to pay for medical services. The suffering that has occurred by those who are already devastated by illness has been compounded with the worry of what will happen to them and their families as the result of thousands upon thousands of dollars of medical expenses... Multitudes forgo getting treatment because they cannot afford it.

This all hits very, very, very close to home with me on many different levels.... with a daughter and with my husband. So many people have stories of pain and incredible anxiety in our country. I have seen almost no mercy from the critics of the current health care reform bill. I have been voting Republican for most of my life. I am ashamed now at what I am seeing and hearing. I am now seeing a party that desperately wants their power back and they are using fear to sway the masses. Many people though have been living with a lot of fear for a very long time. They have felt abandoned by their government who hasn't heard their voices to make changes. I do understand how people who are just fine with the way things are don't want to REALLY look into the eyes of those who are desperately hurting. We start believing things that aren't true just to ease our conscience to believing we don't have to DO anything to help. I've been there too.

My own husband has been treated for cancer for 18 months. His employer offers wonderful medical insurance and we have paid very little for treatment so far, but it has added up to hundreds of thousands of dollars. How can we look the other way and not strive to help someone else? What if we had no insurance when all this began? I shutter to think of what the consequences would have been. Now we are faced with more treatments, probably for the rest of his life. If he were to become disabled what then? Who would insure him then? This health care bill will benefit us if the need should arise. The burden on so many Americans is so great. It grieves me that so many have such closed hearts to only see the small price they have to pay in order to help a fellow human being. Our hearts are so hard. The Republicans are hollering loud now but where were they the last 8+ years when they had the opportunity to help fix this problem. Our President was then spending taxpayer money on invading a foreign country. Constitutional? Hmmm.... I see people just out for themselves. It all needs to be tweaked. I pray it will get better. But we cannot wait around forever for politicians to act, to make changes, to help OUR people.

I cannot understand why people are acting so strongly with fear and anger about giving people the ABILITY to purchase health care. I know I am not very eloquent with my writing, but there are people, many good, hardworking, hurting people, some very close to me, who have not been able to pay for medical attention or medications because of pre-existing conditions. Some have jobs that do not offer the option to even pay for coverage themselves. We like and expect waitresses to wait on us when we go to restaurants, right? We want people in certain occupations to help us out when we want their services, but many of them do not have nor can they afford to pay for health insurance. What if they all went away? Let's show all people respect. Maybe it has not been personal to these people, maybe they are angry at something else entirely in their lives and are not really focusing on what the issue is .... because I cannot for the life of me understand the callousness of many.

Fear. My main thought in all of this is not to be controlled by fear. Many are pushing it on to us in order to manipulate our thinking. Oh my gosh, the things I hear on the "news" shows are horrid and irresponsible. Fear is a highly effective, insidious and deceptive tactic designed to manipulate our sensibilities. Socialism? That's a bit much. Pleeeeeease..... Come on now! Let's give it a chance....

Quotes

I've always been a lover of wise thoughts and ideas. I have loved the book of Proverbs in the Bible for it's ability to make me think and bring me to greater heights of thought. I have a love for truth and understanding. I love to read quotations of others who have lived long ago and yet their words live on and still ring true today.

Today I read a few that touched me because I thought of those who lived and died and yet believed. They had lives and joys and hardships and loved and hurt and hoped ... just like I do.

I thought of Jim Elliott who was martyred at age 28 in Ecuador who said "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." He also said, "Wherever you are, be all there." A simple thought but so powerful. I've been with people who aren't with you fully. They can be in your physical presence but far from you in spirit or purpose or thought.

I read words on love by Henry Ward Beecher who lived in the 1800's. "Young love is a flame, often very hot and fierce but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals deep-burning, unquenchable". I know the love of which he speaks. I am thankful for someone who loves me deeply and whom I deeply love.

If only I could understand and fully believe others like "When we believe that God is Father we also believe that such a Father's hand will never cause his child a needless tear. We might not understand life any better, but we will not resent life any longer." (William Barclay) I am still working on this. I see such pain and suffering and sickness.... I want to believe that God has a purpose and will make things right one day. I wrestle with believing without seeing. I wrestle with faith. I wrestle with surrendering. "If a man fights his way through his doubts to the conviction that Jesus Christ is Lord he has attained to a certainty that the man who unthinkingly accepts things can never reach." (I guess I like William Barclay.)

I especially like this quote by Billy Graham regarding heaven.... "God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there." A thought I can hold onto. One that makes simple... sense!

Hope is alive with this quote by Charles Swindoll. He said "We are all faced with a series of great opportunities disguised as impossible situations." Who can't relate to that?

Just some of my thoughts today....