the love held

I stare at an empty page and wonder how to fill it or even if I want to.  Thoughts written on paper could never really tell the story of how I feel at this moment.  The loss is overwhelming and threatens to drown me.  I often can’t catch my breath.  His absence is so enormously felt.  The longing in my heart is…. there are no sufficient words to describe it …..

How do you go on when you’ve lost a great treasure?  You lost someone who filled you.  Filled all the empty places that you didn’t even know were there.  Completely.  The yin to my yang.  We just fit.  Perfectly.

I don’t even begin to understand why this happened.  Why I had to say goodbye to him too soon… and in this way.

Maybe God said, “Ok, you want a really good man?  I’ll give you one and include a strong, wonderful and rare love affair but there will be sorrow.  He needs a great love next to him to get him through it because I don’t want him to be alone and I want him to have the best.  And the best is you.  He is special and so are you….”

We did have a special love. One I never doubted.  One I was always sure of.   It never wavered.  And it held.  Till the very end.

And I can say that if that was the valley he had to walk through I’m glad I could be there to walk through it with him… and I so hope I made that journey a little bit lighter for him.  I hope he always felt loved and adored (I told him enough).  Because he WAS.

There may be nothing I ever do harder in my life, so this sheds perspective on life itself.  When I fear, I’ll think of Edd and all he suffered and how he smiled at me anyway.  When I’m tempted to fret about a challenge I face I’ll think of Edd and how he would strive to solve problems, not complain about them.  When I’m tempted to be selfish, I’ll think of him and how his thoughts were always on others and not focused on himself.  How did he do it?  God only knows.

I doubt there will be anything I face in this world that will be harder than watching the love of my life open his eyes, look straight into mine and take his last breath. 

My thoughts go in many directions. They are too numerous to even begin to sort out.  Hundreds, no thousands, of memories crowd me all at once.   My heart aches.  It’s empty.  And yet at the same time it overflows with love for a man that was nothing less than amazing and remarkable.  A gift. 

I was loved.  I felt loved.  Always.  I loved him.  Always.  And always will.

The day we got married.  June 20, 2007

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown

Today

Thank you to those who left kind words..... I am not strong, but Edd's courage made me brave. Somehow I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to breathe.... Yesterday was unbelievable hard. Today was even harder. Soon when I can collect my thoughts I'll write a "real" post but for now, this is all I can do. As Edd would say when we were apart, "I feel half my molecules are missing" and they are...

My daughter, Jenni, wrote a heartfelt tribute to Edd yesterday. I'm not the only one heartbroken.

http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/edd.html

My hero

Edd and I had a very special love. We GOT each other. We knew what the other's heart really needed. We knew how to fill the empty places.

I learned so much from him. His quiet yet enormous strength was a constant inspiration to me yet broke my heart at the same time... wishing so much that he didn't have to be so strong. I tried hard to take the sting out of life's blows for him time and time again, but I couldn't fix this. I couldn't take it away. I couldn't make it better. Some things weren't meant to be.

Through his actions I witnessed courage and grace and dignity and humility and strength. I can only hope I will have a fraction of the character qualities he exhibited. He was the man who made me feel safe and cherished. He was and will always be my hero.

I lost him today. It still doesn't feel real. I am afraid to think how I'll feel when it does. Because now I am missing him and my heart is completely broken...

decisions

Today was a relatively peaceful day.  There was certainly work to be done but I made some decisions that I knew Edd would want me to make.  Sometimes that helps when I'm not sure exactly what to do.  I think of the decision he'd make if he knew what was happening.  I remembered back to many discussions we've had.  He was never someone unable or afraid to make a decision.  I want to be like that more.

When I went to the grocery store I even bought myself some flowers.  When we were dating he would bring me a bunch every other week.  He loved doing that so much.  He said he hoped he always would... even after we were married for years....  so today I bought them for myself.... from him.  Because he would have wanted me to.

There are so many decisions to make.  And none are easy.  But I will keep trying to make ones that bring peace and comfort and loving care.

someday... maybe

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to remember the joy without tears beginning to flow.  And there has been SO MUCH joy.

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to have coffee in the morning and not think of all the days gone by when we solved the problems of the world over cups of the stuff....

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to forget the sickness and remember the health.  Remember the awesome love affair we shared.

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to see the whole person again.  Before I had to give up little pieces.  One by one.

But right now... today... I'll love the pieces that remain.

Someday... maybe.... I'll be able to find answers in this suffering.  But I'm not seeking for meaning in all this anymore.  I've tried.  Hard.  And it hasn't come.  Maybe someday it will, but it will have to come find me.

realities

Today I am realizing something I've been doing.... trying to keep all of Edd with me.  I try to bring him back to reality when he says there are people visiting upstairs (when there aren't), or trying to tell him I am his wife Kathi if he loses perspective or recognition.  I keep trying to bring him into reality but I am seeing it's a bit of a losing cause ... so ... I need to let this go.  It's kind of a lonely thought, but I need to be at peace too, right?  And I can't keep fighting it ... because when you are fighting things in your mind there is no peace..... As long as he is content enough and not unhappy... it'll be ok....

This week has been better than my "shut down" week of last.  A volunteer came to stay with Edd while I went out to run errands and squeeze in a haircut.   Today Jenni came over with a simply DELICIOUS Shepherd's Pie that we gobbled up for lunch.... and brownies.....  

Chocolate!

Mmmm.....

And I have actually been able to sleep at night due to some med changes the doctors have made for him.

But I've been thinking about letting go and how I handle it.  How I handle it now and how I've handled it in the past.  It's an awfully hard thing isn't it?  

I wish I knew how to do it better (or do I?), but I guess there isn't any formula.  It takes time.  And in my case it usually takes a mini breakdown of sorts.   Like a good hard cry when you realize you are at the end of yourself and can't change what IS.  And that's what I did.... and that's the only way I was able to move just a tiny bit forward....  in accepting.  I guess I've thought that if I accept it all I will somehow lose my grasp on Edd.  Not true though... because he will always be a great presence in my life, and yet... it's still hard to let things you love dearly go... or change... 

The garden is beginning to bloom.  Flowers that I planted last spring that promised to come back the next year have indeed done so.  Days follow days and life is full of using what comes your way, appreciating and sharing the gifts... and accepting the realities that come along in the mix.

shut down

The scene as she bring him morning coffee.

Him: Your love goes right through me. 

Her: aww....that's so nice. 

Him: I feel it. 

Her: I'm really glad of that. 

Him: Don't know if that is said right, but I feel it. 

Her: That's really good because what good is love if you can't feel it? 

Him: yeah

About ten minutes later he tells her he is going to see where Kathi is.  

Things are always changing. Where is my stronghold?  Where is my foundation these days?  What never changes?  I have heard God never changes.  You know ... the same yesterday, today and forever.  Never a shifting shadow. I need to grab hold of that and hold tightly.  But I'm having trouble with the holding on part.

I've felt the need to shut down instead.  To shut down my emotions.  Sometimes you have to.  I am giving myself permission. There is only so much you can feel.

I used to think divorce was a little like death.  I grieved the loss of my first marriage for months, maybe years, before it actually took place.  But now I am grieving over this present loss even as I have him with me.  I feel I am being forced to let go a little bit every day whether I want to or not. 

 And pieces of my heart go at the same time.

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