days gone by

My senses.... my memories bring me back.

Seeing him.  A morning smile.  A gentle touch.  Talking about anything.  We'd laugh.  And listen to each other.  Really listen.  Time to be together.  Drinking that first cup of coffee with complete relaxation as though we had all the time in the world.  I relish the thought of it.

Then up and at 'em....

As he'd prepare for the day I'd make breakfast.

Eventually I would see a man emerge all fresh faced.  A crisp white long-sleeved dress shirt usually with the sleeves rolled up, khaki pants and dress shoes.  All ready for work.  Smelling fresh like soap, shaving creme and Grecian formula.

He would switch to business mode.  When he had somewhere to be, when he had a job to do, he was all about doing it.  When it was time to go, it was time to go.  If lunch wasn't packed and ready to bring, he'd go without it (no problem, we'd meet for lunch).  No nonsense.  No waiting around for it.

It makes me smile now.

Always a kiss good bye... with an "I love you" said .... Never any doubts about that.  Ahhh... that smile and the clear blue eyes shining down on me...  Then out the door with a black leather case carrying laptop and work stuff.....

Just a scene I witnessed and lived hundreds of times..... echoing in my mind and heart....

crispy quinoa and bean cakes

Today I had fun with a recipe I've wanted to try.  I like to make and try healthy recipes and this one was a winner.  It gave me a bit of a workout too dicing the sweet potato and mashing the kidney beans. 

I actually never cooked with quinoa before but definitely will again.  It's rich in fiber and I love the taste and texture.

The sweet potato is cooked with some olive oil and red onion ... and then kale is added to the pot.

All is mixed together adding parmesan cheese, egg and kidney beans...  and formed into patties that are browned in a skillet. 

There is one in the plate, but I must confess I actually had two!!  (with some white merlot)

 Here is the recipe....   Or pick up the latest copy of Real Simple magazine.  Worth the effort for a delicious and healthy meal.  Leftovers can be reheated... I'm hoping!

living room/dining room before/after

This was done in one day!  I finally got rid of the ug white carpet!  Something Edd and I talked about doing.  He'd like it....

Living room with white carpet before

Living room with wood floors after

Before

After

Dining room with white carpet before

After with wood flooring and Sisal rug

Before picture of living room

Another shot after 

on the coast

You know what's nice about being with people who love you?  They validate your feelings... your experiences... and what is important to you.  At least being with my family is like that.  They ask me questions.  They care about me.  They listen and let me be myself.  They want to know how I am. 

Daisies in Dad's garden

It's beautiful here.  Here on the Oregon Coast I'm remembering.  Though I didn't grow up here I am  still remembering who I am.  And some of the reasons WHY.  My parents rarely handed over things that we hadn't worked for, didn't have a sense of ownership in, or didn't value.   They modeled hard work, appreciation, and not taking blessings for granted.  They taught me by their example to do the same.  They were, ARE, generous, but never handicapped me by making me into someone who felt entitled.

Yesterday was Dad's 80th birthday.  We didn't necessarily need one, but it was nice to have a wonderful reason to celebrate.



At Salishan

Walking out the front door in the morning to this.

And this... a few steps away in the other direction ... where I was drinking in the cool fresh air.

The ocean is calm today.  My heart is slowly getting there too.

centering thoughts for today

Centering myself....trying to keep balance.... and connection.  Sometimes life comes at us in ways that knock us off that center ... or we have a reprieve from taking care of ourselves as we should.   It's a challenge to keep it all together...  and we often don't know we are neglecting an important part until something breaks down.  I have been taking care of neglected parts of me lately.  Learning how to do all I can... the BEST I can... and then surrendering to God to do what I cannot.  And trusting him with the outcome.

Peace will come.... I want to feel like a fine wine.... getting better with age from having gone through the experiences I have.  From learning and growing.

Thinking of the spiritual part of us...  I think the spiritual part involves seeking.  Seeking meaning and purpose.  Being drawn to hope and not giving in to despair.  It's believing there is something more in life.  It's hope and light and ... grace.

I think of Edd again... as always...   The end of his life was full of ... spirit.  The physical he was unable to control, but the spirit... was so evident.  I saw so often his true self.  The part of him that had hope and purpose and strength and grace... and love.

I know there are spiritual and physical laws in the universe and when miracles occur they happen when God bends these laws for us in an intimate way.  It brought me to tears as I thought of his power.  Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't.   I don't know all the whys. But I know I have had many blessings in my life.  I cherish and treasure them.  I am so grateful for what I've been able to experience. 

I think a way I can honor Edd is by living.  If I'm still here I must have a purpose. If he had hope and love, grace, and joy... I can too.

I'm off to the Oregon Coast tomorrow... I hope to post some pictures of the beauty... and relish being with family and enjoying God's creation... and being present.  In the moment.  Centering.  Breathing. And being Home with myself....

five years ago

They hopped on a plane.  He was so sure.  She had no doubts.   They both knew this was a love that was going to stick around for the long haul.  No reservations.  For better or for worse.  There were no fears.  Not even one. 

We tried to think of a way to bring everyone together to celebrate our love, this precious union, but in the end felt the best thing to do would be to celebrate in a private intimate way.  So off to Las Vegas we went.  A place that held great memories for us....

We landed.  As always he got us the best.  My parents called the hotel before we even arrived and arranged beautiful roses to be delivered to our room ... and champagne!!  As always with this man... it was magic.  We were magic together.

They took a nap when they got to their room.... After a busy work week they rested first ... yet they were soo eager.  They headed to the courthouse ... hand in hand ... "Are you ready?"  said he.  "I am SO ready" said she.  They made their way... giddy with such a sense of rightness... and ... comfort... and ease... the happiness they felt when they were together... with love overflowing.   They had felt as one long before the actual marriage day.  They knew it was right.

And it was meant to be. 

It was 5 years ago .... this very week in June.

take care

I was proactive in taking care of me.  Any time I actually make a doctor's appointment for myself I feel good.  I'd been taking care of Edd for so long, but there are no longer any excuses to neglect my own health.  I knew I needed some extra help and advice so I went to see my doctor to talk over my concerns and how all this grieving is affecting me.  I'm glad I did.  I even discovered I weigh five pounds less than I did this time last year. I'll take any good news I can find!

I am seeing myself go through different stages in the last couple of months since losing Edd.  I hurt just as much, but I feel as though he is deeper in my heart than he has ever been.  I used to get angry if someone said he would always be with me, but I am feeling as though this really may be true.  He isn't here the way I want him to be, that's a fact.... and when I think of how much I miss him it can be unbearable....  but he is with me in ways that will only increase with time. 

It is a great blessing that I feel his support... every moment.  He wanted it to be that way, and it is.  I have felt too vulnerable for too long.  Fragile.  Bending at times to the opinions of others whose views we didn't entirely share.   But it'll be okay.  Going forward I plan to feel more confident because that is what Edd would want for me.  I feel his strength.  Every day.  Telling me... "Kathi, you're doing fine."  Or, "I'll see you before you know it".

And he would want me to take care of myself... at least as much as I took care of him...

I dropped a tear in the ocean.  The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.  ~Author Unknown

teardrop