adapting

Mmmm.  It's been so nice here in Texas.  Especially as I listen to weather reports around the country.  I know I wouldn't like to live in a snowy climate any more.  My body would have a hard time adapting to that.  I used to be invigorated by the cold!  What happened to that girl? 

I was thinking this morning that this was just about perfect.  The day warms up and then the night cools down considerably.  In the morning my furnace kicks on just to take the chill out of the house as I'm shuffling over to the coffee pot to make a cup of fresh brew.   Of course that Texas heat that we all love to complain about will return in time too, but for now.... I'm just enjoying.

Yesterday as I ran my errands and walked to my car I felt this "beachy" feeling.  I don't know how to explain it except to say it reminded me of days gone by.  It brought me back to a time sitting on a beach blanket at the New Jersey shore with a warm ocean breeze blowing through my hair and the warmth of the sun soaking into my skin. To riding bicycles on the boardwalk in Wildwood.  Funny how a sight, smell, or some random thought can do that.  I'm beginning to hear the birds sing again in the morning.  The winter months can be so quiet.  It seems all living things go into a silent rest.

Seasons.  There is a time for that silent rest.

I have satellite radio in my car. There are some good programs and I always seem to learn something or take away some "food for thought".    I used to find myself saying to Edd "today I heard this on the radio.... they were talking about....  What do you think of that?"   We talked about anything and everything.  Today I heard someone make a comment that "Depression is when nothing matters.  Sadness is when everything matters."  Made me realize I don't have a tendency toward depression.  Even after all that has happened .... But sadness...  yes.   There seems to be a poignancy to everything.

But today?  Today I'll relish life, breathe deeply and put one foot in front of the other moving forward knowing I'd miss so much if I didn't. 

One faces the future with one's past.  ~Pearl S. Buck

a rising hope

I feel hope rise more and more with a new ability to look ahead without fear.  Gaining confidence I lost when I lost him.  Growing strong where the weak and fragile places existed.   Ceasing to be swayed by the unpredictability of the wind. 

Vulnerability can be staggering ... strength and courage has to be found somewhere within.

Though I question, God gave us what we could handle I guess.  I mean, I'm still here.  And him?  I still think of how he "handled" it all.  How could I ever forget?  Words escape me in describing it.  It's locked into my brain and seared into my soul.  The strength.... only God could have been the source.   It changed me.   I was a witness and I was a part of it.  It rearranged my psyche.   My perspectives will be forever altered.   

I've learned.  I've learned so much.  I don't even feel like the same person.  At times I thought I was hardening.  A rock.  But when that rock shattered it came back together soft and pliable with a deeper understanding of others, of life... and of myself.


Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott

Kindness, like a boomerang, always returns. ~Author Unknown

 

another december

I've been adding Christmas to my house a little bit at a time this year.  Seems in Christmases past I transformed my home into a Christmas house in one day.  Not this year.  I do a little here and then a little there.  I make a Christmas cookie or just the batter and then bake them another day.  It's working for me.  I'm enjoying it.

I ordered a fresh wreath for my front door.

I put up the small Christmas tree in the dining room.  It's full of so many bright lights!  I am now a firm believer in timers.  I programmed this tree to light up at 4:00 in the afternoon and shut off at 11:00 at night.  I even have it programmed to pop back on at 5am and shut off at 8am.  It was wonderful to wake up to the bright cheerful tree this morning as I stepped out of my bedroom! 

I put some lights up and down my banister too.   I'm not finished yet.  It needs some red bows I'm thinking.  I am really considering NOT putting up the 8 foot Christmas tree in my living room.  It just seems too big of a task... and actually a bit of overkill this year.  I'm happy with the way things are and not feeling like I want to rearrange my living room furniture for a huge tree... as beautiful as it is.   

I may change my mind.

This year... is different.  I am really alone.  Oh, not really alone exactly.  I have my friends.   I have my family.  Oh, yes, and Norman.... but I miss Edd.  Last year was full of heaviness and stress and a feeling of "letting go of more and more pieces" of my life and dreams... of my precious husband and best friend ... and I wouldn't want that again.... but I'm taking one moment at a time these days and feeling my way through them all.  I'm doing what is healthy for me.  Choosing healthy food and exercise... and not neglecting to have that deeply pleasurable peanut butter ball from time to time either!!

I met with our local hospital's volunteer staff and am preparing to volunteer in the gift shop as soon as I get all the administration work completed.  Nice people.  I am looking forward to giving back more.  I'm still tweaking my life... as we all are.

My days continue to be bittersweet.  My memories and thoughts of gratefulness are abundantly rich and sweet, but the empty place in my heart for Edd and his love is always there.  Time and distance from the day I lost him is an interesting thing.  The sting of the painful memories lighten up some with passing time, but as my thoughts return to those painful days as they sometimes do, I can easily feel the pain again.   The tears can so easily spill.  I can't return there often, or at least not for very long.  A person just can't live there.  

I remember the joy and the love and the laughter too... and feel so very blessed.

new ride (for us)

Today I did another thing I told myself I would do... for me... and for Edd.   I am proud of myself... not in an arrogant way, but in a I'm-making-progress-moving-forward-doing-what-is-on-my-to-do-list kind of way.

Even when Edd was sick he talked about us getting bikes.  I knew in my heart of hearts that we wouldn't be riding bikes together, but I never discouraged him or made him feel we wouldn't.   It was still a good idea.  And I told myself I would do it for us and for him...  because he couldn't.  And it would be fun...

I've been researching what kind of bike would be good for me and after weeks of looking around and talking to people, I finally found the one I wanted. 

I rode for an hour today and got a good work out.  The best part of the workout was that it was fun and even though I was tired afterwards and sweaty, I felt good and know this is habit-forming due to how much enjoyment it gave me.  I got very teary-eyed as I started out as I thought of Edd and how it was another thing I felt I was doing for him... for us.... for me.... and that he'd be happy.

And I felt his smile on me.....

evening

Sitting outside on the back patio with a glass of Pinot Noir. It's a warm evening but not burning hot like the mid-summer nights were.  It is the end of the season and there is a definite change in the air. A month ago I wouldn't enjoy this. Tonight it brings delight. I feel cooler undertones.

I sit here with a little dog resting at my feet. Loyal. Sweet. Pandora radio is playing some hauntingly beautiful piano music, and as it stirs my soul I think about how life moves along with the ebbs and flows designed to expand our soul and its capacity to feel pain and empathy, joy and love. I feel carried along by some unseen Force I have little control over.

I am growing in my understanding and have discovered there is no end to what we can learn about ourselves in this life if we have the desire and will, interest and curiosity. Equally there are things we just cannot know. I am growing in the ability to be true to myself. Kind... but still faithful in making choices based on what I know.

Sometimes I wish I could fashion the very life that I think would be ideal. But then I also find a strange peace in knowing I am not in control of everything.  I am learning to do my best and leave the results to that Force that seems to have its way no matter what I do sometimes. It will have to be okay.

So I will curl up with this sense of Presence and Care and relish it. Wait and be still and act and move when it's time to do so....

Tomorrow is the first official day of autumn.

I lost him in the springtime. I carry him with me every day. It is real and powerful. That will never change. I am learning I won't get over this loss but will absorb it into my life. The sorrow takes up permanent residence in my soul ... and enlarges it. It becomes who I am. The loss is a painful part of a (hopefully) healthy whole.

for you

I go in and out of this thing called hope.

I miss him more than ever, but I am inspired by his life.  By his love for me.  It is motivating me to be my best.  It is pushing me onward to do more.  To BE more.

I know he would be pleased.

I need to keep building on this.  I sense his spirit driving me on.

I am finding the courage somehow to let go of the things I can't control.  And oh, there is so much I can't control.  Those troubling unknowns.  And yet.... I have to find the courage to trust.  To find refuge and comfort in all that WAS... and know that it was all true.  It STILL is true.   Let go of all I am not able to control and trust that the future will be what it is meant to be.

I feel his nearness.

How can I honor you?  By becoming better.  By  making you proud that you chose me to share your life, share everything with.  By making you proud and happy that you worked so hard to take care of things.   By living a life that is good and caring and loving.  By being grateful and appreciative.

By continuing to nurture all the things you loved about me.

Today I took care of myself.  I exercised.  I smiled.  I laughed.  I sipped a glass of wine.  I took a deep breath of air.  I went outdoors and walked in the grass and felt the sunshine on my face.  I looked up into the night sky and saw a zillion stars.  I said a prayer and I thanked the Lord and will always and forever be grateful...

for you.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  ~Wayne Dyer

days gone by

My senses.... my memories bring me back.

Seeing him.  A morning smile.  A gentle touch.  Talking about anything.  We'd laugh.  And listen to each other.  Really listen.  Time to be together.  Drinking that first cup of coffee with complete relaxation as though we had all the time in the world.  I relish the thought of it.

Then up and at 'em....

As he'd prepare for the day I'd make breakfast.

Eventually I would see a man emerge all fresh faced.  A crisp white long-sleeved dress shirt usually with the sleeves rolled up, khaki pants and dress shoes.  All ready for work.  Smelling fresh like soap, shaving creme and Grecian formula.

He would switch to business mode.  When he had somewhere to be, when he had a job to do, he was all about doing it.  When it was time to go, it was time to go.  If lunch wasn't packed and ready to bring, he'd go without it (no problem, we'd meet for lunch).  No nonsense.  No waiting around for it.

It makes me smile now.

Always a kiss good bye... with an "I love you" said .... Never any doubts about that.  Ahhh... that smile and the clear blue eyes shining down on me...  Then out the door with a black leather case carrying laptop and work stuff.....

Just a scene I witnessed and lived hundreds of times..... echoing in my mind and heart....