no more fear

“Waiting to develop courage is just another form of procrastination. The most successful people take action while they’re afraid!”  ~ Unknown‎


I've been taking action lately and it does dispel fear... eventually.  Facing our fears is the way to set ourselves free.

This week I had a colonoscopy scheduled.  They aren't pleasant for anyone, I know that, but for me it seemed even more personal.  Edd might still be with me now if he had gotten his when he turned 50.  As I lay on my hospital bed seemingly forever waiting for the doctor to arrive for his first patient of the day (me) the tears slipped from of my eyes... over and over again.  Try as I might to prevent them from coming, my efforts were in vain.   My whole body was racked with emotion as I thought about what he went though, what we went through together and how it all began....

Sensitive aren't I?  Yeah, I am.  I beat myself up.  I worry over things I can't control.  

But I'm also so so tired of suffering because of it.  Fear that is.   Fear of the future.  Fear of the consequences of others' decisions.  I think I've suffered enough.  I think I'll take back my power.  I think I'll face my fears and not let them handicap me and MY life.

I'm onto something.

Getting that test done was a start.  And today I continued with an X-ray of my wrist that has been painful for almost two months.  

Fear.  It can be a powerful and debilitating thing.  Especially for those with a predisposition for giving it too much ground in your life.  Maybe for those who have experienced too much of the harsher aspects of life.  But isn't that ALL of us at one time or another?   I believe it is.

Maybe I need to see myself as not so unique and grow some thicker skin.  But that would be rational.  And fear is often...  irrational.  

Yes, for sure.

So, I want to move on and LIVE.  Live and love well.  In spite of the torpedoes life  sometimes flings our way.  My way.  Your way.  Let's grab hold of life and run with it!

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” 

~Judy Blume

just do something

About a week ago before I got sidelined from about 50 chigger bites (but that's another story for another day) I cut down two trees that were growing very weirdly (is weirdly a word?) in my yard.  They were skinny and tall with all kinds of shoots springing up from the ground.   My dad said they grow that way because they are being crowded, dwarfed by larger trees.  They are reaching upward for the light and can't develop properly.  I cut them down using a tool that sliced into the many branches easily.  It took a while to do and I was left with a large pile of debris to get rid of.

As I sorted through the branches today cutting them into smaller pieces to bag them, I thought about the way we get things done.  Little by little.  Sometimes one tiny bit at a time.  Just moving forward one step, sometimes one inch at a time.

I've always seen parallels of my spiritual journey in the physical world.  And I'm most apt to recognize those parallels when I'm doing something physical by myself.  A big chore can seem like too much to handle until we break it down into parts.   What's important is that we begin.... and continue moving in the right direction.

So I began... and didn't intend to finish today, but I did.  My goal was to begin but once I did I just kept at it.

So my new motto is that everyday we can do something...  just a little bit to move forward.   Sometimes we finish a job.  Sometimes we just keep moving in the right direction because there is  no actual end to it even though much good can be accomplished along the way.  It can be anything done thoughtfully.

exercise a little more
eat a little healthier
pray a little more
be a little more compassionate
come closer to forgiving
rake a small pile of leaves, trim one bush
make the world a little more beautiful
call one person who is lonely
smile more often
laugh at someone's dumb joke
read something positive
walk a little quicker
encourage someone
listen a little longer
be a little more patient

This list could go on and on......

We all walk different paths and are on different journeys.  I've discovered we may really want to blaze a trail and yet things don't always go our way.  Someone can even walk down a certain path and have smooth sailing while another can travel the same path and have tons of adversity while doing it.  Why?  It's a mystery and life isn't always fair... and things happen.

So let it go and let God sort all that out.

Just do something every day.... to move in the right direction.

We'll get there... and do a lot of good along the way.

Today

Friday evening. It really couldn't be more delightful as I sit outside now sipping a glass of cabernet.    The wind picks up now and then.... not enough to be harsh, but just enough to blow away any mosquitoes that might be thinking about landing on my exposed arms and legs.   The humidity left as well, and now the air includes that hint of fall that I seem to wait all year for.

I'm reflecting about my day and reminded that life is to be lived or else you're dying... My dad just quoted something like that to me when I spoke to him on the phone earlier.  I'm not sure what he was getting at exactly, but he was in a chipper mood telling me all about various things.  He says my name, "Kath", numerous times as we talk and I like to hear it.  He found some fried chicken he liked at Safeway... and better pomegranates at Fred Myers ... we discussed current events, yard work and drinking wine and Hungarian food.  I told him a package I mailed should arrive for him today and he can expect some home-baked goodies for his dessert tonight.

I'm thankful for life as it is today .... it's not perfect, but it's good.

I sit here watching Norman enjoying the green grass in his yard.  Early this morning I did trimming and bagging and tying up dead branches and debris after purchasing a new tool that makes yard work do-able... and almost fun!   I'm enjoying looking out at the work of my own hands now .... Even earlier than that I changed three bulbs on the truck.  I figured out how to replace the left brake and blinker lights and did it by myself after running out to Auto Zone.  I spoke to a man there who had lost his wife five years earlier.  Sadly he said it's gotten somewhat more difficult again for him because he just lost his dog.... another connection to his wife....  Like I told my dad today... the missing and hurt won't ever stop... but we can experience the joys life brings each and every day…. and savor….

I had some unexpected tears today as I met with my doctor for my first colonoscopy.  I looked at the anatomy pictures on the wall as I waited for the doctor to come into the room and I lost my breath, got choked up and tears instantly filled my eyes.   I had to look away.  Edd got his at 54 and here I am the same age scheduling mine for the first time.  If he had gotten it at 50 as they suggest he may have lived.    He may not have been so far along with his cancer.  That really bothered him but I always tried to lessen the blow and regret he felt… with my words and my actions…. That's what we do for those we love fiercely.

The days come and go and they bring many gifts.   Friendship.   Love.  Insight.  Wisdom.  Joy.  Tears.  Laughter.  Strength to work.  Courage to be open to possibility.  Changing seasons and new perspectives.  Cool refreshing breezes.  Interaction with loved ones and strangers.

Today was full...

words beautifully expressed

“Sometimes I touch the things you used to touch, looking for echoes of your fingers.” ― Iain Thomas

“If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say “But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.”  - Iain Thomas

Some things we feel we won't live though.  But miraculously we do.  

~~~~~~~

I never used to take my turn.  I always gave my turn away.  I helped others have a great turn.  After they had all gotten a turn, then maybe I could go, if there was time and it didn't bother anyone.  Now I take my turn, as a radical act.  -Anne Lamott

I love this one…. and I've felt this way.  Felt I gave and gave and when I finally took my turn some people I thought cared rejected me and thought I had no right to take my turn.  That stung for a while.  But shame on those who don't let you take your turn.

~~~~~~~

...you really do not get over the biggest losses, you don't pass through grief in any organized way, and it takes years and infinitely more tears than people want to allot you. Yet the gift of grief is incalculable, in giving you back to yourself.    -Anne Lamott

This is something I could never imagine or anticipate.  In all my trying and working through, this timetable is not my own.  

~~~~~~~

“Someone you haven’t even met yet is wondering what it’d be like to know someone like you.”  - Iain Thomas

I remember being a little girl and thinking there was someone out there, somewhere, for me.  Before I even knew him or saw his face.  It was a mystery not yet revealed.  If we are alive there is still much mystery and sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone want to stay.

~~~~~~~

…. and yet the world keeps on spinning, and in our grief, rage, and fear a few people keep on loving us and showing up. It's all motion and stasis, change and stagnation.  Awful stuff happens and beautiful stuff happens, and it's all part of the big picture.  -Anne Lamott

And so it does… and so it is.

tending

I woke this morning with such gratitude.   

Life isn't perfect is it?  We can focus so intently sometimes on the worrisome parts of it that we don't embrace what is glorious and miraculous.  

Oh, it's true that the refrigerator isn't working right now.  Yeah, the one that is only a year old, but someone will repair it this week and I have another little one to keep food cold or frozen.  

I have little aches and pains and my body doesn't look like it did when I was younger, but I went to see the doctor last week and she calmed all my fears regarding my health (yes, I tend to worry) and even said my weight was fine and to keep doing what I'm doing with healthy eating and exercise.  I feel strong and healthy.

There are so many things that can bring us down and some people are going through very tough times… God knows I have been there…. but today I will glory in what is good and take time to just be grateful.    

The outdoors beckoned me this morning.  It will heat up to 100 degrees this afternoon… summer is still going strong... but the morning was so perfect to get out and get my hands dirty digging and replanting and trimming and watering.

Tending.

    What is it about a garden and seeing things living that is so soul satisfying?  

Might just be the nurturer in me….

So today, I'm tending.  Tending to my garden… and tending to gratitude.

evening thoughts

Life and all that swirls around us can seem so complicated sometimes.  Relationships, politics, world events, tragedies, who said what and why, intentions, motives, misunderstandings, assumptions, etc, etc.... When I find myself fretting that's when I need to put all these things in a big ol' pile and label it... "Things to give to God"  … I find such peace in being able to give Him all my pondering and the questions with unknown answers … and leave the mysteries of life in His hands.

This seeker doesn't have to know everything.  Not now.  I just have to do my part.  As much as I'm able I have to make one good choice after another.  Every time there is one to make.  Every day.

I was given a gift today.  A good friend told me what he valued most in a person.  Sweetness  ... and said that I exuded it.

Now I don't feel like I exude sweetness, but you know what?  If someone can see a quality of goodness in me I am happy with that.  I know it's only because of what I've been through and things I have learned.  You see... trials can make you hard or they can make you more present to life and what is most important.  They can make you put aside pride and ego and just let yourself be compassionate toward others.  Others who may not even deserve it.  I feel I've been through the fire and I am content that God knows and cares about my heart and the me that has traveled down my own unique road.  He knows all my thoughts and intentions.  I know I belong.

When Edd died ... and when my mom died... I lost the mirror I looked into to see the best parts of myself… the parts others who loved me best chose to see… a place I'd go for validation and worth.  Though in many real ways I still feel their love, I'm thankful for people who are still in my life who share what they see and have the kindness to tell me the good stuff.  We all need to know. 


“And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!” And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important.” —IAIN THOMAS

a proper burial

We all keep things that are important to us.  I have date books and calendars that I've saved from several years back.  I have emails from over ten years ago.   It was interesting when going through my mom's things after she passed away that she had quite a few past years' calendars too.  Part of it for me is not trusting my memory and wanting to ensure some events, thoughts and dates aren't lost forever.

But today I threw away a whole lot …. papers and notebooks that were filled, and I mean filled, with pages and pages of memories and instructions, thoughts and medical considerations…. so much mental activity written down during a time that was difficult in the extreme.  I was taking care of my love and he was going to lose his hold on life…. and so much of mine was going with him….

And today I threw most of it away.  Because it is done and over.  It is time to move forward from all that pain.  Though I haven't looked at those pages in a long time, I don't need to remember doctors' names, medications given, how much and when and what time.  I don't have to have a record of test results and their implications.   It happened.  I was present then, but I don't have to go back there anymore.  It all needs a proper burial.

Some things are sufficiently in my mind and if I forget some of it oh well.   Some I need to forget.  At least I've finally come to that point.  I don't want notebooks full of data or information that brings me back and I don't need to ensure it can be reached again if I forget.

But in reality what all of it shows me is just how much I loved.  How much I wanted to do everything as RIGHT as I could.   And when he was gone, I poured over documents and wrote more notes and tried to figure out and solve more problems.   And I did the best I could.  And that is enough.  I've given enough.   I am enough.  I'm content.

Life is an exercise in learning what to hold onto and what to let go.

I buried some things today.  I chose to let go…