New home

So much has gone on since I last wrote in my little space here three and a half months ago.

I bought a new smaller home.

I sold my large home that I had lived in for the past 10 years.

I basically moved the contents of my home little by little, day by day, in my Honda CRV for a few weeks until the movers (three wonderful strong and nice men) came and moved the big items!

I made countless trips to Goodwill to get rid of stuff... so.much.stuff.

My body hurt every day due to arthritis, etc., but I got it done!

My house sold quite a bit over the asking price so I could not be happier with how everything turned out.

I've learned through this experience that there is no perfect house. I decided I just had to DO IT... move to a smaller home in a good location... because I was always finding reasons NOT to. And now I am fixing up this space that is my own with numerous projects going on.

Saying goodby to the home Edd and I shared was a process that lasted a few years. What once made me feel secure and safe was now making me feel swallowed up and anxious... somehow losing myself within its walls. There was space not being used. Space that didn't go with my personality anymore. Too much upkeep and work.... I wanted a home that enveloped me... yet one that was a cozy, warm and inviting space.

I am making this one just that....little by little.

I heard that the new people will move their belongings into my old house this weekend. It will have a new soul... just like this home I live in now has a new soul and energy. Mine.

Home is a word packed with meaning for me. I'm grateful that it has always meant something good. Something safe and warm and filled with love. I seek to make my new home a continuation of all the homes I've ever lived in or made my own... a refuge and a place where peace and contentment dwells.

a new home

I just bought a smaller house nearby.  Well the closing will be in the next week or two. So now is the time to think and reflect and remember the last ten years I have had the privilege of living in this wonderful home. It's big. Bigger than I need. I always hoped it might be filled with family. Visiting from out of town or coming for holidays. That never really panned out. It has made me sad, but I won't dwell in the sadness. I will dwell in the reality of what is and all of the goodness that makes up my life. Imperfect as it is.

This was my home with Edd. The memories here are bitter and very sweet. In some ways it reminds me of all that could have been ... but never was. So much hope lived here. And lots of joy... and probably even more pain. But above all else love... commitment, loyalty and compassion. The kind that will do whatever it takes. But also ... the eventual end of a dream (with you Edd).

Am I reflecting and being introspective? I am. Is it all part of living and growing and changing and learning and being oh, so very grateful for such wonderful life moments and days and years in spite of the greiving and pain? Yes. A million times...yes. 

I have done it many times in the past so I will once again have the job of making
 a new house a HOME. 

life as it is

Ahh... emotional detachment is tough. We can't let the hurts and challenges and struggles of those around us bring us down.  Life can be really hard sometimes as we watch those we love struggling with some really huge, sometimes life and death, issues. Drug addiction, divorce, step families, aging parents, death of a loved one... or even the agony of the death of a dream....

Life hurts. Sometimes a lot.

I turned on the news this morning and saw horrible photos of people... children... in Syria... hit by a chemical attack and I just froze. Literally froze and inwardly wept. The suffering and horrors people are faced with can tear your heart right out of your chest if you have any amount of compassion and empathy at all.

Sometimes, I must admit, it's way too much for me. My heart feels broken over the things I cannot fix or make better. The choices people make that have obvious horrible consequences. I strive to surround myself with peace and serenity, making my home my fortress ... I strive to be positive and hopeful... but I have experienced hurts and I know there isn't always a happy ending.

So, I do what I can. I love. I try to be available. I WANT to be available. I give what I can without neglecting to care for myself. I hate to say 'no' sometimes, but I have to. That's hard too. But necessary.

Sigh... just putting it out there tonight.....

On the bright side.... I talked with a couple local business owners today who were so great. The plumber who came to replace my faucet chatted with me like an old friend. He also helped me with other issues I had in my home and gave me a warm (not creepy) hug when he left. They live locally and I got good vibes from him and his wife instantly and knew they were good people. I texted with his wife about how happy she was with the refinishing of her front door and she shared with me some photos and the local business that helped her out. I'm 57 years old and I must say I have always been a good judge of character... I don't know why, but I just always KNOW. I'm thankful for people like that.

As much as I hurt over the suffering I see in this world ... I am equally, if not much more, GRATEFUL for what is my life.

focus

I have pinpointed a definite problem area in my life. When you live alone there are quite a few since there is no one, except the dog, to hold you accountable as far as your actions and how you spend your time.

It seems when I have a good thought, it disappears before I can act upon it, because there are so many other good thoughts out there!

So, back to my problem.

FOCUS.

I read this morning that without focus you will find life becomes a blur.

There is so much noise in our society today. While it's true that we are the ones who open ourselves up to it, it's still hard to not get sucked in. It may be especially hard for a deep thinker since they tend to want answers to all the questions that get thrown around..... all the problems. My need for order makes me want to figure things out and come to definite conclusions. 

Oh, boy, does that never really work. Not for everything anyway.

I often feel distracted... like Norman does outside. Though he follows his nose there are so many different things to check out.

So what do I focus on? Without being completely specific and transparent.... mostly being the best me I can be. I've learned that I have no control over what someone else does. The time I've spent trying to solve another's problems has been a waste of time it pains me greatly to say.

I'm realizing I have enough problems of my own... and I need to spend more time focusing on things I CAN change.

Gonna start now.

me

Ever see a picture of yourself and just want to say "Ewww" or something equivalent?

I do.

Are my wrinkles showing? Are the dark circles especially dark today? Are my lips and hairline and eyebrows thinning? How about that double chin and neck?

I remember my mom receiving a new driver's license photo one year and expressing her displeasure in it. Afterwards she said that probably 15 years down the road she would think it was pretty good.

How true.

This is me, today, now.... and it's okay. More than okay really.

Embrace who you ... we are all just fine.

yearnings

Sometimes I stumble upon a quote that fits exactly how I feel. 

But sometimes there are none.... and our own words, our own voice, our own expression is what we need to work on .... and figure out. 

To think and mediate and work to understand what's unique to us, discover where our own heart is, and what our soul is yearning for... and what our needs are at the moment.

Is it peace? It is safety? Is it reassurance? Is it connection? Is it rest? Is it trust? Is it faith?

I yearn for healing in the world. I yearn for people to be whole. I yearn for myself to be whole. I yearn for a way to communicate love when I fail so often. I yearn for a way to make a difference and be a force for good ....but I often fall short. I sometimes mess things up even though I have the best of intentions. 

But for now I just feel sad. 

I've lived long enough to realize that the sad will pass. It comes and it goes. We can count on life's ebbs and flows as much as anything in this world. It's a sure thing. Keeping our balance during the changes is the challenge. Especially when a wave hits you and knocks you senseless for a little while.

So, we do what we can, love with all of our heart, but also be true to ourselves, and not set our own self on fire to keep someone else warm... meaning.... take care of yourself too.

Today

Ahhh. I did some stretching yoga today, two sessions on my favorite DVD, and also 30 minutes on my elliptical machine at home. It felt sooo good. I found that I didn't struggle as much so that tells me my muscles have made some progress and my strength has improved. Little steps in the right direction. That's the way to go, right?

Gosh I can be lazy though.

Sigh. I fell "in like" with a house that I seriously imagined myself moving into after going to see it with my realtor last weekend ....but it suddenly went off the market before the open house with a pending offer. I seriously need to downsize and find something more "me". One floor. Less yard maintenance. Less tax burden. I will find it. Although I am so grateful with all I have, I'm feeling less and less like this house is a future home for me.

Maybe I shouldn't, but I'm enjoying some FitVine Chardonnay now.  It's a wine lower in sugar and calories that I found. I was not impressed with the Cabernet Savignon but the Chardonnay is pretty good. I would buy it again.

I am grateful and at peace and content right now.....even though there are numerous reasons why I might let the circumstances around me ruin all that. It's always the struggle to live and let live.

Hope you, whomever might read this, let yourself be at peace too, no matter what the circumstances. If you are in that place, we could seriously be friends.