There is something about a walk in the coolness of the day that brings to me fresh thinking and a clear stream of consciousness. I think I should bring a mini tape recorder with me to record my thoughts because later as I return to my journal I find the thoughts and ideas have vanished like waking from a dream. Such was my experience again this morning.
As I walked I thought of my fragile faith. There have been too many times when I have struggled to find God in the daily grind and my questions outnumber my answers. I thought I was doing my part...seeking, praying, listening, waiting..and yet nothing. Is that an element of faith? Believing even when everything seems dark? When you feel you're in a ship tossed about at night and your navigation system just isn't working?
As the wind pushed against me I was reminded how much more energy is needed when there is resistance. It's obviously easier to walk when the wind is at my back. We almost glide along. Such is life... We push forward in spite of the winds of fear, and our body's weaknesses. It’s nicer when you can go about your day without worry or fear or challenges. But that is not a life of purpose or growth or depth. It’s not how we increase our strength.
I find myself pondering what ifs…The “what ifs” that, if believed, would make life easier, the road less scary. Joy… if my faith were only stronger…. If I could just work out my salvation just a little bit more…..
What if the Bible, all of it, really IS true?
What if God really DOES love us, loves ME?
What if He will never leave me or forsake me?
What if He is preparing a place for me in heaven?
What if there really IS everlasting life?
What if we WILL really see our loved ones again and meet together at a huge banquet table?
What if we will really be where there is no more death or mourning or crying or pain when the old order of things has passed away?
What if God really DOES work all things together for good?
What if His eye really IS always on me… and He cares what I am going through?
What if God really did become man, Jesus, to show us what He was like and to die for our sins so we could live forever the way we were intended to?
I do think my small faith is at least as big as a mustard seed though so I hope God will honor that.
I am always am so touched by the depth and insight into your feelings as you share your thoughts on your blog.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about how it is so much harder to just believe and faith when things are not perfect in life, but I know that in the imperfection I see hope and love that God has blessed me with.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. Psalm 13:5
This was beautiful Mom... love you.
ReplyDeleteLast night I sat across from a woman who admitted to her ambivalence towards God. That she knew God was there, but her circumstances made her feel disappointed at what God has and hasn't done for her and for what He allowed to happen in her life. She carries, great, great pain and has one of the most painful and traumatic stories that I have ever heard. Yet her faith and hope in God remains. Her only hope is that all of the "what-ifs" you mentioned will be what is.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this I wonder what it might be like to ask those kind of what-if questions when I am in the midst of some uncertainty or hardship. This post left me feeling hopeful.
Your writing is so lovely, so deep, and often touchest the most inside parts of my heart. I love you friend.