decision

This thought has gone around and around in my head today. The voice is getting louder.

"I am making the decision to not be afraid anymore."

Fear. Anxiety. The "what ifs". The things out of my control. Worrying about this one and that one. How can I help? What should I do? Do I speak? Do I keep quiet? How can I keep bad things from happening? How can I meet others' expectations?

It's true I can be sensitive and easily hurt. We all vary though in how we absorb a blow. Some people do not like to bleed out in the open or display their wounds. And the last quite-a-few years have taken more from me than I was originally aware of. I've been lost and trying to find my way home.

Living alone as I have for the last four years has taken its toll as well. I've always had someone by my side. I've been a follower to a large extent. I've had no one to follow.

But I choose to not be afraid anymore.

I have been off center by assuming responsibility for the wrongs and sufferings I see around me. I allow myself to feel like the cause of all that is not right with the world. Which is silly and probably ego-centered because it assumes that I have control over events that are truly beyond my control.

I'm not certain where this new freedom is coming from. I have some ideas but hoping I don't slip back into unhealthy patterns because I'm working at changing my lifestyle.

I'm getting glimpses of home again. And it really feels good.