challenges perspective gratefulness

It's been forever since I wrote on this little blog. I guess I express myself differently these days. A little bit on Instagram. Even less on Facebook. I keep more to myself. I may be more guarded or less open... but heck who am I kidding, I'm usually an open book. Especially to my poor family and friends who I tend to dump on when things get too rough for me ... but I do keep more tucked safely inside. The joys and also the sorrows and struggles. Why? Because most people either don't understand or definitely don't want to hear me whine. I'm learning. And I'm leaning into the dailies of life that get thrown my way. 

But even with the challenges and struggles I am still very grateful. How could I not be?

I do take the time to feel my feelings. The ones that bring pain or confusion or resentment or self pity. The things that make me feel I've been given too much to handle. I validate those thoughts.... all of the things. I see the  truth in them. Pat myself on the head and say, "you poor girl, it's hard isn't it?" and "you shouldn't have to go through that at this stage in your life" blah, blah, blah... and then I move on... and just keep doing what I need to do. Things that I am chosen to do because it's so very important. And how can I be anything but grateful for it all.... because .....

Perspective. 

Keeping perspective is so important to mental and emotional health. Remembering and seeing the positives, the enormous and incredible blessings I have in my life. We can't control everything that comes our way, but we can make choices in how we deal with those things.

little wren

It's nice to have this forum for writing. I've always been a writer... I love to blog, but as my life has progressed it often gets too personal to choose an open public forum. 

But, well, here goes....

The last few years I have enjoyed feeding my backyard birds. And they love to splash and drink in the birdbath I keep furnished with clean water. I know all the names of the birds, but the Carolina Wren is my favorite. They are so freindly, joyful, vocal and curious! I have had several "batches" of babies born in my backyard over the years... in wreaths, flower pots and birdhouses I have hung. I just love them.

Well, I have recently had an issue with some rats living under my back patio. Not a problem really, but I've explored ways to get rid of them (except to eliminate their food source which I'm sure is the bird seed)... anyway to make a very long story short.... I caught something in the rat trap a few days ago... and to my horror it was a wren. Just the thought of it again could bring me to tears...

After yelling "NOOOOO!" I picked up the trap and released the dead bird into a hole I dug in my flower garden, covered it with dirt, and placed a lawn ornament rock with the word "Love" on top of it. Then I went inside.

And I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried because it was the last thing I would want to see dead... by my own fault.... I cried over the innocense of the sweet curious little bird. I cried because I'm close to positive it had a mate that would be looking for it. I cried because it was just so sudden, so unexpected, so unfair. And as I cry now while writing I wonder if my intense reaction, though warranted, may be deeper. There is a deep place in me that still greives. For my husband, Edd, gone too soon in life to cancer after we found each other later in life and were beginning to build a beautiful life full of love. For my mom, my greatest support and cheerleader who always told me "You'll be okay" dying suddenly one year after Edd. For my 37-year-old daughter whose addictions have basically ruined her life, taken away her potential and made her days full of pain, negativity, failure, mental illness, and sadness... all reasons for her to continue using her drug ... All of these things have effected me.... and the daughter with addictions continues to do so. It's just the gift that keeps on giving.... and giving.

So I cried for my wren and I continue to weep for the consequences brought on to the lives of those I love. It's hard to let go. It's hard to set boundaries so my own life isn't destroyed and I am brought down with her. This 37 year old child who just can't seem to correct and make the behavioral changes that would facilitate her child, my granddaughter who I now care for full time, being placed again in her home... in her care. So in her mind it is MY fault her daughter is with me.

I don't like the feeling of something being my fault. Something that I didn't cause or intend... something I can't fix. Something that just happens, because it is not a perfect world.

Christmas 2020

Christmas. This year sure is different. It's been a tough one. Many people and families have suffered this year. 

Life changes. And if you can't change with it... if you always want things to be the same... you will not survive very happily in this life. I have a family member who has not faired well with the changes that come with aging and losing loved ones. He refuses to see anything worthwhile in today's events or his experience with life. He doesn't see how important his life is and the input he could have in others' lives. I understand in many ways, but it's still very sad.

My earliest experiences and memories of Christmas are full of cozy warm family times. For so, so many years I woke in the night to see my stocking hung by the fireplace. I was allowed to get up and open it so I would usually bring it back to my warm bed and look at each item with delight! Often the chocolate was a little melted because, well...  the fireplace! Christmas morning my brother and I opened our gifts and then waited for my grandparents and uncle, another aunt and a cousin to arrive. I can still see them trudging up the usually snow-covered driveway with boxes and bags of items... presents and food...  We would stack the gifts according to the recipient and take turns opening each gift. Then of course would be a breakfast or nice meal.... and lots of cookies and baked goods!

I do remember my mom having to pick out gifts and put them on layaway every year. The store would hold all her items until she could pay in full. That was usually a week or so, maybe even a few days, before Christmas. She would pay a little at a time making payments for a couple months before Christmas. She didn't have the money to buy everything all at once. I'm sure my parents lived from paycheck to paycheck. She also opened up a Christmas Club account at the bank every year that she contributed to all throughout the year so she would have money saved for Christmas presents. I remember this very clearly. Mom was always a planner and budgeter and it wasn't until much later in life.... after I was out of the house and on my own... that my parents had more spending money to enjoy traveling and doing more things. Mom was a stay-at-home mother until we were much older and then she went back to school. She earned her college degree, then her Master's degree and became a teacher and children's librarian/media specialist. I think she earned a pretty decent paycheck then.

But ... not when we were little. Dad's conservative income is what we lived on and I sure didn't feel deprived. We lived on a country dirt road and there was always something fun to do.  Christmas included lots of cookie baking, mom doing some kind of artistic project like making tissue paper and foil snowflakes for the big picture window in the living room... putting up the Christmas tree and lights outside. For me as a kid I found it wonderful... but I'm sure the memories looking back now are magnified and even happier than they were at the time... because it was a time I felt secure and safe and surrounded by family... and lots of love.

As life changes some of the people who made the happy memories we look back on are no longer here. They are only in our hearts. Mom has been gone for almost eight years. My grandparents have been gone much longer. We depended on them to bring the Christmas spirit each year. To contribute to our happy experience and joy. I hear people my age talk about how Christmas isn't the same anymore and they are sad because those people who made it "the good ol' days" are missing. I feel that way sometimes as well, but I also know that my grandparents and parents must have felt that way too, even when they were making the wonderful memories for me.... so it's my responsibility now... my time.... to help create loving and sweet memories for the younger ones in my family... and it will be theirs to do one day as well.

We must never stop living. Never stop being involved in making others feel and see the joy that loving experiences can bring. Never stop contributing.

Merry Christmas!!

be true to who you are

I've been thinking about this lately. Thinking about how much of myself I choose not to share because I think maybe it won't be embraced or accepted by someone else. We all do it. Many of us want to be accepted and feel as though we are on the same page as others right? .. but I think about all the times I choose to remain quiet and don't want to be disagreeable .... and even though that's okay...  I mean, who wants to be around someone always challenging your opinion or disagreeing? ... but I think for the most part we need to be our true selves, expressing what matters to us... and stating who we are

... but in a gentle humble way. Without the edge of superiority or putting someone else down.  Knowing why we believe what we do is super important too... and takes work... soul-searching and often time-consuming intelligent work.... often challenging ourselves.

Recently I was receiving messages from someone who continued to send videos and articles that I did not agree with. In fact they were offensive to me.  They were her beliefs, not mine. So I said so. Why? Because I did not want that person to think that was my opinion or belief. And if they cannot accept what I believe they are not really a friend.... because they do not know the REAL me.  I want people to know and like the real me... Not the me they think I am.

Maybe this comes with age. I think I'm mostly likable and still want to be liked. If we aren't no one will listen to us anyway.... but in some ways I don't care if I'm not liked if it's not for who I really am. I still try to find common ground, common opinions and topics that bring us together... peaceful interactions... and I always will, but sometimes..... most times... we need to speak our truth... and be true to ourselves... the core of who we are.

We have a lot to give when we do.

spring garden in photos

home

So much going on in life today. Covid-19. A global pandemic. Damn. Which basically effects everyone on the planet. I guess each person interprets the data according to their own biases and understanding and prejudices. Hopefully seeking TRUTH.  For me, I just make decisions that will cause me and my loved ones to be safe. I can't always control what others do though and that sometimes puts me at some risk.

Alas.....

My heart is just so broken ... concerned and sad. Not in a dangerous-let's-everyone-worry-about-Kathi way, but broken none the less. I doubt I'm alone in this place. I want to make the world stop. I want to quiet so much noise and voices. I need to retreat and just do what I need to do to be healthy, emotionally, physically and spiritually. No one needs to understand... except me. I've learned it's impossible to make others see all that's in your own heart. And honestly why should they want to? They have their own problems and concerns that need tending to. But I need to make decisions that make sense for me.

This morning I was brought to tears. It just came upon me. I was thinking of words. Words that are packed with meaning for me. Words that are powerful. And you know what the most important word was for me? The one that made my eyes fill with tears? The word I felt everyone in the whole gosh-darned world should be able to see the value of and find security and comfort in.... experience peace and refuge and safety in??

Oh, Jesus....

home

Home

HOME

HOME!!!!

Without it... we are doomed.

Home. Nurture and care for it. Love it. Love those who enter its door. Keep those out who will not value the same things you do. Make it beautiful. Make it your refuge and safe place. PROTECT IT. Keep it clean and preserve its purity. Speak love there. It doesn't need to be a mansion... in fact, the simpler the better. But there must be loving upkeep and tender care for each and every room. We must work to make it full of love and kindness ... and peace.....

Sigh....

Home.

Everyone needs one and should have one. Oh Lord, may it be. May we all see its value ....

a new year

Looks like my poor little blog bypassed my favorite time of the year. Fall came and went. Christmas too. Life just moves along doesn't it?

Here it's February already and I'm thinking springtime thoughts, planting and watching things grow again. And I can't wait!!

But as I reflect I have such a strange mixture of joy and sadness. Joy from all all the things in my life that are just so GOOD. Sadness from things I can't seem to change or rise above. Ways I feel "stuck".

My motto for 2020 though is "If you can't climb a mountain, climb a hill."  Simple. Just do what you can, but do something to help yourself, to help others, to make things better. We can't solve all of life's problems, but we can move in the right direction.

Here are a few photos from the end of 2019... and grateful for a new year to experience more of the good stuff.