Tuesday, August 23, 2016

thinking....

I'm thinking of my little family today. We've been through so very much through the years. Changes. Pain and loss. Joys.  Endings. Beginnings. Carrying on. Endings again. New life. Some seem to hide. Kind of battered. Hobbling. Struggling. It hurts sometimes to watch. It hurts to look away. It hurts to stay. It hurts to go. My prayers are for each one. And for myself.

I don't like change, but I accept it. Mostly. Maybe? Maybe not. Some days I do. Some days I don't.

I find the need to limit what I allow my mind to take in. In this day of perpetual opinions and preaching and thirst for outrage in so much of social media... I find it more than I have the capacity to do anything constructive with except lose my bearings, lose my contentment, lose my peace and lose my joy and perspective.  I've had to shut a lot of it down.  Turn away. And move in a different direction.

I long for simplicity in a complex world. All I can try to manage is my own sphere. My own place and home. And that is where I find joy and contentment. I always have....









Friday, August 19, 2016

this place.....

I think I need to return more to my little blog. This place. It's been here for me over the years. Waiting for me to share my thoughts and struggles and dreams. My successes and failures. 

My safe place. 

Social media has made us so smug we feel we can post our opinions and comments and too often not have to actually do anything. We feel by complaining we've done our part.  I am growing more and more wrestless in it. More weary of its ability to reach me with its discontent. Sometimes for good yes. But often its message is one that puts another down, often cruelly  and is used as a weapon and show how enlightened we are.

We can post articles about being Pro Life but never actually support an unwed mother. Maybe drive someone to her doctor's office for care or to the grocery store for food. It takes a village. Some people have more of that village at their disposal. Some, for whatever reason, are more isolated. I know this first-hand. Loving the unlovely person who clearly got themselves into the mess they are in is not easy. And we feel justified to walk in the other direction... and judge. But again. We can't do everything, but we can do something.

We can blast our political system and politicians, and all that is wrong but never write a letter, make a phone call, go to a meeting or vote. Even if we do, it's often flaunted arrogantly by letting everyone know about it.

We can show our outrage in so many ways but never really love our neighbor as ourself...outside of church walls or a program. 

We can't do everything, but we can all do something...besides complaining.

Just feeling so sad today over the brokenness I see.....

Monday, July 25, 2016

this moment

Ahhh.... what a good day! 

I lost another pound. Sheesh! This weight-loss-after-age-fifty is tough stuff! I'm in it for the long haul though so it's okay. 

After a walk with Norman I did outside yard work in the morning and sweat my you-know-what off as I snipped and clipped and watered and dug and planted...for a couple of hours. This Texas July heat isn't for sissies let me tell you. A frog jumped out of one of my planters and scared me half to death and a large lizard watched me from the outside wall of my house! Yeah, at least he was on the outside of my house. He was a big one!

Another hot day in ATX

Hey there big guy... or pregnant girl! (Hard to tell)

I did some of my volunteer work with the Diamond Dachshund Rescue and also worked out on my elliptical machine.

After taking a shower I sit now with a glass of Pinot Noir and feel at peace.

Peace. It's definitely NOT over rated. It's one of the greatest things in life... Like contentment and trusting in God's goodness... and letting go of worry and fear and..... I could go on and on.....

Sure there are things of concern in my life.  Isn't that true with EVERYONE'S life? But for now I will savor this moment, give all of those concerns to the One who loves me....and be thankful for this day.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

some totally unrelated observations.... serious and not so serious

I would put myself in the "thoughtful observer" category. What I have observed lately is those who speak the loudest and agriest are often the ones who spread misleading information and don't check their facts. Defensive angry people have to win arguments to feel better about themselves. Much better it would be to feel secure in your beliefs yet not have to beat people over the head with them.

It was sad I felt I needed to walk away from a 20-year marriage many years ago. I was at a point of breakdown. Actually I did breakdown. But years later I don't feel bad anymore because I realize I was never fought for and neither was the marriage. I was replaced almost immediately. I have known people in my life who have said they loved me, but never fought for me. That's the only kind of love with meaning for me anymore.

Losing Edd is something I'll never really "get over" nor do I want to. I want to remember the pain. I want to remember the longing and the love and the passion, but I don't want the grief to cripple me. And it doesn't. 

It seems anything imaginable can be looked up on the Internet. And there is support for just about any point of view, so it's important to get the facts and research thoroughly... There is so much misinformation it makes my head spin. 

On the other hand, I saved so much money recently by researching DIY microderm abrasion facial treatments and made my own amazing product! So I'm glad that just about anything can be researched easily on the Internet.

I wish I could tell people, young women, not to give everything away so quickly to a man. Don't sell yourself short. Have healthy moral boundaries. Wait for a real commitment. Edd used to tell me I wasn't like all the women he knew. I was different and so he treated me differently. I would like to tell them to be the person that the guy actually wants to change for. To be the person he knows he must treat kindly and respectfully and lovingly and to really cherish. I felt that. And I'm so thankful. We would need that trust and loyalty, grace, respect, love and commitment for what was ahead. What a glorious ride was ours.

Among other chores I cleaned and purged my closet today. I have done a lot of volunteer work over the last four years....hospitals, library, Humane Society, Operation Turkey on Thanksgiving, animal rescue, etc ..... and I have (had) the T-shirts to prove it! 

Just some random thoughts today....



Monday, July 18, 2016

ruby ring

When I was a young girl I loved jewelry. Rings in particular. I collected them. I'm sure I had conversations with my grandmother and aunt and one wonderful day my Aunt Teresa gave me a very special gift. A ruby ring. I don't specifically remember its origin, but I do know it was special to her.  When I received it I knew I better take good care of it.  

Although I was a very responsible kid, I was still immature at around ten years of age. 

I lost it. 

I didn't even remember losing it. I just knew I didn't know where it was.

Years went by. Quite a few years.




I grew up in Northwest New Jersey on almost an acre of land that was surrounded by woods, so it seemed as though all this land, woods and hills, was ours to personally explore. My dad loved the property and dug up gardens and planted trees and pursued other construction projects over the years. We also had a septic tank that needed attention from time to time... and an above-ground pool.

Years later, one day when dad was out digging, he came into the house with a discovery. I still vividly remember him showing me a ring that was caked with dirt. He asked me if it meant anything to me and if I'd seen it before.

I was overjoyed! Yes it was very familiar and was the ring I lost years before!

I still have this ring today. Decades later.

A special heirloom.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

how to change a lightbulb

DIY projects aren't all they're cracked up to be. I mean how hard could it be (and what could go wrong?) to change a lightbulb using one of those bulb changing kits with "bonus attachments"? Oh, let me count the ways!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Go to Lowes. Buy Bulb Changing Kit because lightbulb outside my front door is way, way, super-duper high above me and my highest ladder. Buy new bulb.
Go home and see wasps flying around near the outlet. Use attachment and said Kit to unscrew burned out bulb with much effort and saying a few words I can never take back. Look at bulb and see immediately I bought the wrong replacement. 
Return to Lowes to exchange.
Back home again and attempt to screw in correct size using said attachment. Once bulb gets screwed in the attachment cannot be pulled off unless the whole light unit comes with it.. which it did… thus bringing down years of debris, dirt, mud dauber nests, dead bugs and who knows what else onto my sweaty body. 
Finally unscrew bulb again and decide to use a different attachment, the suction type, thinking I’m so smart and now it will be a piece of cake.
Screw in bulb again while on a ladder with bulb changing kit suction attachment and cannot get the suction attachment to let go of bulb once it’s in the proper place.
Finally, miraculously, it detaches, but bulb does not go on with brilliant light as I had anticipated.
I get the bright idea that maybe if I flick the switch OFF then ON again it will reset somehow… IT DID!!!! 
I have success!
Last but not least I spray up there to get rid of the wasps and of course some of the dangerous chemicals come spraying down on my dirty sweaty body.
I quickly take a shower… and now I’m drinking my afternoon coffee!
End of story! Oh except next time, I'll think of hiring a handyman.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

thoughts for today

I love words. Specifically the written word when it describes something so precisely. Enough so that it reaches deep inside to your heart and soul.  I wonder if there is a word for that.... when the description is so beautiful and perfect. Poignant is close.

This one did it for me today. Yes, I will always miss you Edd..... Has it really been four years since you went away? You were so easy to love.... 



This next photo made me feel as though my own mom was speaking to me. I think she would want me to be happy and love life... to be brave and not worry... something she always tried to help me with her entire life. It's hard to be without her physical presence, but her words and spirt still speak to me every day. 


Those we spend time with matter SO much. They either add positive reinforcements in this life or make life more difficult... Oh, how thankful I am for those bright lights in my life... and I hope I can be the same for others.


Even so the heart misses what it has loved deeply... and sometimes mine feels so empty... and yearning....




But I am so grateful for all I have learned, all I have, and the life that is mine!