moving forward and trusting ....

I just love evenings like this.  One that I can pour a glass of wine, have a little Brie.... and crackers... enjoy a pesto and tomato pizza and just relax and think and reflect... Count my many blessings.... see clearly God working in my life....

....I've begun trusting myself again.  And it feels right... and good.  While in a vulnerable place I began questioning myself too much and what I had to offer.  And you know what?  After much soul searching I'm coming out of it.  I'm realizing I have much experience and much to share of value.   I don't need to hold back when the circumstance warrants.   Adversity will do that to a person.   Make them question.  Doubt.  But it's designed to eventually make us stronger.  With more resilience, courage and strength ...  and more to give.

It is doing that.

God uses adversity for our good.  If we are willing and open....

Times of questioning in our lives have their place.  I welcome it.  But I'm feeling stronger now.  God brought me into, stayed with me, walked with me through... and brought me out of.... is STILL bringing me out of.... tough times .... for a reason.  Once again I am seeing that His divine plan involves nothing, NOTHING, being wasted.  It's used for our good.... for a purpose.... whether you believe in Him or not... He is....

... for you too.

I'm trusting.

Thankful.

Grateful.

At peace.

finding my footing

Seems fitting I'd be thinking on suffering this weekend.. Of all times. The time the Christ-followers remember his death. His suffering.

Those who know me know how I have grappled with this. Suffering. I can rattle off all the reasons for it as well as the next person, but when you truly witness it first hand in all its raw physical and emotional pain, once you've lived it, those reasons become hard to accept. Hard to see the love of God there. Hard to trust in his goodness. For me anyway.

I so relate to what C.S. Lewis wrote in his book A Grief Observed. “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

 And this....

“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.”

Oh I choose to believe He is good and loves me, but oh how my heart has been broken into many pieces as I've watched cancer's cruelty destroy so much.

Why did I never doubt his love but I doubt God's?

Suffering. Is there something that suffering can accomplish that maybe nothing else has the power to completely do?

Suffering strips away everything that is not important and leaves only that which really matters. I did witness this too. I saw a man who had so much taken from him and yet his smile remained. Courage was displayed. Love was pure. Grace was apparent. He was content to sit next to me and hold my hand and say he was happy. Maybe God was doing something inside in a place human eyes are unable to see.

I've been trying to find my footing. Seeking a safe place. Trying to come up for air. I just want him back. I'll never have pat answers. For now the waves still wash over me. But there is also hope.

After all....it IS Resurrection Sunday.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor. 13:13

You are never in danger of showing or giving too much love.  Let it flow... and let others know.  Don't make them guess.

my little girl self

The more experiences I have and the more time that passes I find I am even more thankful for the parents I was given.  They taught me to be independent and to stand on my own.  They choose to think the best of me and don't get overly in my face making me feel their way is the only way.  We are able to be honest and share our thoughts freely without the fear of being ostracized or judged or looked down on for having our own ideas.   I hope I can be this kind of supportive parent as well.  It has shaped me and made me who I am.

A friend told me today that I should consider the spiritual and emotional damage that cancer does (or can do) to me while it does physical damage to Edd, and forgive myself when I'm less than perfect even if others will ... either now or later ... be judgmental or critical.  I'm such an honest and open person and I'm finding out I can't always be that way with some... because they easily misunderstand... It's made me sad to realize that again.  That I can't trust everyone... You'd think I would have learned that by now... 

Words can help and words can hurt.  I am very grateful for the people in my life who use their words and spiritual depth to pull me out of wrong perspectives. 

There are many things I am telling my "little girl self" today.  The little girl that needs to be reminded she is doing right.  She is giving her all and even when it's not acknowledged or understood and her heart aches and feels trampled on, she can learn and grow and find rest and perspective and the peace that passes all understanding...... She needs to trust God more ... and herself.

Kindergarten

Me with my brother

One year old

evening thoughts and reprieve

I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words they determine where you are spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. -- John Bevere

I've heard it said that adversity introduces a man to himself. I suppose that is true. It reveals aspects of ourselves that are deep down in often unknown and unreachable places. I would not have seen Edd down to the core had I not witnessed his grace and strength and courage as he journeyed down a road of little certainty. I've watched it and have journeyed along with him. Learning too.

Another thing I've heard said is that we can understand in years what we may not understand in days. The lessons and insights may be revealed later down the road when we have the wisdom that comes from time. Like seasoned wine that gets better with age.

A friend dropped in for coffee yesterday and used the word reprieve to describe the now. It was a wonderful blessing. Yes, that's it. Reprieve. I like that word.

We have a bit of a reprieve now. There are days of peace with some routine settling in. Edd knows his memory isn't what it once was and we even laugh at the silliness of it sometimes. Some of what comes out is amazingly endearing. It's hard to live, REALLY live, one day at a time. But we... I... am trying. I don't know how long this will last but each day is a gift.

Have I turned into one of those persons who has to understand everything before I can have faith? Do I have to completely reason things out before I can believe? I know God doesn't want us to discard our brains, after all he made them and gave them to us to USE, but have I become so cynical, such a doubting Thomas, that I can't just rest in God and believe He loves me and will take care of all these things that I just can't? I hope not.... 

I am changing. I feel it. I invite it. I welcome it.

I want to learn more about grace. To experience it and to offer it to others. 

We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. Go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea, or on the strength of the hills that is His also; or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken. --Amy Carmichael

one day at a time

It's been a rough few weeks.  After the cyberknife and continual chemo Edd's side effects were brutal.  His mouth sores were over-the-top severe and others got really bad too.  So much so that we called his mom to help and she came to visit from the Houston area.  He developed a sore (hematoma) on his abdomen that got bigger and bigger, needed surgery, and is now a large wound needing care. 

Went to the oncologist this a.m. and he'll stop chemo for a while.  The wound is beginning (fingers crossed) to heal.  I am doing the wound care… told the doctor there that I could get a job with them now!  … nice people… We have encountered wonderful people all along this journey.

I know we will need to stop chemo for good eventually.  For now though we take one day at a time.  We talked today about how even though it often feels like too hard a road to travel, God has also been beside us all the way.  It is interesting the way it has changed us. In some strange way I feel as though God is molding me and making me a better person though the experience.  It is also interesting the way I can go from a strong, pragmatic, courageous, intelligent in-charge woman ....  to a fearful, weak, totally-drained little girl who wants to cry and is unsure of what to do next.  One who has lost herself in all of this.  The little girl comes out every once in a while.  Most of the time I have confidence and a "one day at a time" attitude that serves me well.... and gives both of us strength.

But when the little girl needs to come out... I let her.

a gentle breeze

I believe there is so much more than just the “seen”.  I believe in God though I cry out to Him and express my confusion.  And angels. And spiritual forces. I know there is a power at work in the world.  But I still question.  I’m not gullible.  I’m not quick to believe everything I hear.  I’m a bit of a skeptic. 

That’s why I think what happened last night is pretty remarkable.

Earlier in the week, on Wednesday night, Edd and I hightailed it to the ER, because he got very sick.  Long (ever so long) story short, he had an intestinal blockage.  The doctors didn’t know the reason.  Because of previous surgeries he’s had it could be caused by any number of things.  Adhesions.  Scar tissue.  More cancer.  Chemo medication side effects.  Change of diet … or a combination of these things.  Days went by with no change… and he got sicker to the point where a tube was put through the nose to the stomach to remove fluid that kept piling up and making him sick.

After four days my hope was hanging on by a thread.  He hadn’t eaten for five days. I went home to bed last night full of despair and dread not knowing how this was going to play out.  I got down on my knees before crawling into bed and had little strength to mouth a prayer but muttered, “Please God”, and cried “Mercy”, and …. just bowed in silent submission… That was all I had left in me.
At 4 am I awakened.  I felt peaceful, then remembering the situation, the reality, felt the same dread wash over me like a wave of the ocean.  It was very real and very physical.  I got up and pleaded more to God. It’s all I knew to do.  I couldn’t go back to sleep.  A little after 6 am I received a text from Edd saying the blockage was finally relieving.  Finally his body was responding and beginning to work properly again.   It was the miracle we could only hope for!  We were amazed and thankful to God.. and expressed it verbally to one another over the phone.  My body was profoundly physically relieved and I felt an enormous heavy weight lifted.  I experienced an amazing … REST.

Later when Edd’s mom (who is visiting now) woke, I excitedly told her the good news and she expressed another event that occurred overnight. “I woke up at 4:30 and it was as if fireworks went off in front of me. I saw hundreds of little feathers flowing down from the sky, fluttering…. lots of little feathers… it was a very vivid experience”.  My mother-in-law is a religious person, but very no-nonsense.  I said perplexed… “you woke at 4:30?  I woke abruptly at 4… What a ‘coincidence’.”
Edd said the change within him had occurred between 2 and 6 am.

If that wasn’t remarkable enough to me, I was even more convinced of Divine intervention when Edd revealed his own experience.  Immediately after he realized the obstruction was removed, he cried out from his hospital bed, “Thank you God!” with intense earnestness.  At that moment he felt a wind on the top of his head and a gentle brushing, a fluttering… There have been no breezes in this hospital room.  There is no fan blowing air around. My husband is an engineer.  He is not one to see things that aren’t there.  He’s very analytical.  He BELIEVES it was an affirmation of God at work and His presence.



I do too.

(This is a special and heart-felt THANK YOU to all those who are praying for us.  You know who you are… and I am most appreciative.)

trying to trust...anyway

I am trying to come  to terms with some enormous questions....mysteries really...and my faith ...and God's plans.  I used to think we could understand why God was doing things in the world, what His purpose was. That we could know with reasonable certainty. Now I am far from sure and I'm thinking it may be a bit arrogant to suggest I know.

Like Edd's cancer. If God could just tell me why... What is His purpose in it? Is He punishing us? Is He choosing us? Is it random? Is there something we are missing? 

I have heard some so-called reasons and they do sometimes give comfort and a measure of satisfaction, but these answers are inadequate and incomplete and don't bring peace. They seem too simplistic and the truth is I don't know the plans God has...for me, for those I love, or for this world. Who can know the mind of God?

Yes, we learn the importance of living each day in a deliberate and grateful way. Yes we see the foolishness in sweating the small stuff. Yes, we focus more on things that really matter. Yes we think just a little deeper about what it means to love and be alive.  But still.  It's still not enough. It may be a by-product of all this but it doesn't answer my why questions.  

He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-31)

My heart is breaking Lord and I am not sensing that you are binding up my wounds. I do not feel your rest.

Sometimes God is so very silent to me. I so want to trust Him in these hard times, but feel as if I am failing.

hope....

The soul searching is intense. On the one hand we have this hope that maybe we'll hear the words "it was a mistake and there's nothing to worry about", and then again we worry we will hear the worst possible news which would be that there is no hope for a cure. The two extremes bounce around in your head and I wish I could just fast forward to the meeting with the oncologist after he has the scan results and he's thought through the treatment plan. Our life is no longer in our control (if it ever was) and we are totally at the mercy of cancer and how its treatment will alter our lives. For me it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other and go through the day but I do.... I think of Edd going to work and just doing what he always does. He is definitely a soldier as well as any other who marches through the day being faithful and loyal and moving forward in spite of the pressure to fall apart, which is what I want to do.

All I thought I knew about God is tested. Edd and I talked this morning about God and why he doesn't heal, about prayer, about asking Him to help, whether He is involved, whether He cares, if we matter at all to Him. I used to be so sure, I used to have the answers to hypothetical situations, but now it's me and my precious husband and I am not seeing God's intervention, I don't feel He cares, and I don't know anything it seems. I know I've prayed for some things and He has graciously protected and saved and then I've prayed for things and the answer was "no". Are all these just random? Is it like playing roulette and spinning the wheel? Do I beg and plead for Edd's healing or do I just ask once and then seek peace with His answer? I feel so tired and weary from this journey and I know Edd must feel even more so. He is most concerned about me. I am married to an amazing man who loves me deeply.

I feel it's okay to get angry with God. He can take it. Why pretend I am not angry or hurt or worried. He knows anyway. I don't care what we have to go through. I just desire the news that there is HOPE for a cure. I'm slowly realizing that the old life that I keep wishing we could go back to simply doesn't exist. We cannot hurry up and get through with all this so that we can get back to it again.