Saturday, June 25, 2011

trying to trust...anyway

I am trying to come  to terms with some enormous questions....mysteries really...and my faith ...and God's plans.  I used to think we could understand why God was doing things in the world, what His purpose was. That we could know with reasonable certainty. Now I am far from sure and I'm thinking it may be a bit arrogant to suggest I know.

Like Edd's cancer. If God could just tell me why... What is His purpose in it? Is He punishing us? Is He choosing us? Is it random? Is there something we are missing? 

I have heard some so-called reasons and they do sometimes give comfort and a measure of satisfaction, but these answers are inadequate and incomplete and don't bring peace. They seem too simplistic and the truth is I don't know the plans God has...for me, for those I love, or for this world. Who can know the mind of God?

Yes, we learn the importance of living each day in a deliberate and grateful way. Yes we see the foolishness in sweating the small stuff. Yes, we focus more on things that really matter. Yes we think just a little deeper about what it means to love and be alive.  But still.  It's still not enough. It may be a by-product of all this but it doesn't answer my why questions.  

He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-31)

My heart is breaking Lord and I am not sensing that you are binding up my wounds. I do not feel your rest.

Sometimes God is so very silent to me. I so want to trust Him in these hard times, but feel as if I am failing.


  1. I have never commented before, but tonight I feel compelled... I was taught by my Mom and my Grannie after the loss of my Daddy when I was 15 - to never question God. I was promised that God never gives us more than we can handle - yet here I am and the only immediate family is my son who is almost 11 and my brother who just turned 41. I guess that He has never given me more than I can handle, but it's much more than what I feel I should HAVE to handle. To be 43 and to have suffered such loss is not how I envisioned my life. I find comfort in His word and in Scripture, but I do not necessarily feel that my wounds are being bound, not do I feel rest, either. I know everything in His time and for His purpose, but I wish there was a way to understand His purpose, as well... I don't understand why I had to lose everyone in my immediate family before their time and before they got to know my son. Anyway - your post touched ny heart tonight and I hope God finds a way to comfort you in these uncertain times... God Bless you and your family and know that I will pray for peace that surpasses all understanding for you, and for me... Blessings

  2. I guess faith is truly like a candle in the wind. I'll be praying for you and yours and sending love wrapped in warm breezes your way.

    Please know there are so many praying for you.

  3. Someone shared something with me a few days ago that felt disrupting for me. She said that evil chooses us for the things that happen in life - the diseases, the cancers, the deaths, the trials, the crappy parts of life - evil chooses us because of how sin entered the world. And God is the one who redeems it and makes it beautiful.

    I'm still not sure what to do with that, nor am I sure how "true" or Biblical it may be - but it's invited me to think and feel. Because I wonder what might change in me and my circumstances if I stopped believing that God was the perpetrator (not that you said that - just me talking for myself here!).

    Anyway - faith is a hard thing. I think the more I know God, the more questions I have for Him. I love your fearlessness in your questions. He must smile at your curiosity and joy in you so Kathi. (o: