Monday, September 24, 2012

new ride (for us)

Today I did another thing I told myself I would do... for me... and for Edd.   I am proud of myself... not in an arrogant way, but in a I'm-making-progress-moving-forward-doing-what-is-on-my-to-do-list kind of way.

Even when Edd was sick he talked about us getting bikes.  I knew in my heart of hearts that we wouldn't be riding bikes together, but I never discouraged him or made him feel we wouldn't.   It was still a good idea.  And I told myself I would do it for us and for him...  because he couldn't.  And it would be fun...

I've been researching what kind of bike would be good for me and after weeks of looking around and talking to people, I finally found the one I wanted. 

I rode for an hour today and got a good work out.  The best part of the workout was that it was fun and even though I was tired afterwards and sweaty, I felt good and know this is habit-forming due to how much enjoyment it gave me.  I got very teary-eyed as I started out as I thought of Edd and how it was another thing I felt I was doing for him... for us.... for me.... and that he'd be happy.

And I felt his smile on me.....

Friday, September 21, 2012


Sitting outside on the back patio with a glass of Pinot Noir. It's a warm evening but not burning hot like the mid-summer nights were.  It is the end of the season and there is a definite change in the air. A month ago I wouldn't enjoy this. Tonight it brings delight. I feel cooler undertones.

I sit here with a little dog resting at my feet. Loyal. Sweet. Pandora radio is playing some hauntingly beautiful piano music, and as it stirs my soul I think about how life moves along with the ebbs and flows designed to expand our soul and its capacity to feel pain and empathy, joy and love. I feel carried along by some unseen Force I have little control over.

I am growing in my understanding and have discovered there is no end to what we can learn about ourselves in this life if we have the desire and will, interest and curiosity. Equally there are things we just cannot know. I am growing in the ability to be true to myself. Kind... but still faithful in making choices based on what I know.

Sometimes I wish I could fashion the very life that I think would be ideal. But then I also find a strange peace in knowing I am not in control of everything.  I am learning to do my best and leave the results to that Force that seems to have its way no matter what I do sometimes. It will have to be okay.

So I will curl up with this sense of Presence and Care and relish it. Wait and be still and act and move when it's time to do so....

Tomorrow is the first official day of autumn.

I lost him in the springtime. I carry him with me every day. It is real and powerful. That will never change. I am learning I won't get over this loss but will absorb it into my life. The sorrow takes up permanent residence in my soul ... and enlarges it. It becomes who I am. The loss is a painful part of a (hopefully) healthy whole.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

for you

I go in and out of this thing called hope.

I miss him more than ever, but I am inspired by his life.  By his love for me.  It is motivating me to be my best.  It is pushing me onward to do more.  To BE more.

I know he would be pleased.

I need to keep building on this.  I sense his spirit driving me on.

I am finding the courage somehow to let go of the things I can't control.  And oh, there is so much I can't control.  Those troubling unknowns.  And yet.... I have to find the courage to trust.  To find refuge and comfort in all that WAS... and know that it was all true.  It STILL is true.   Let go of all I am not able to control and trust that the future will be what it is meant to be.
I feel his nearness.

How can I honor you?  By becoming better.  By  making you proud that you chose me to share your life, share everything with.  By making you proud and happy that you worked so hard to take care of things.   By living a life that is good and caring and loving.  By being grateful and appreciative.

By continuing to nurture all the things you loved about me.

Today I took care of myself.  I exercised.  I smiled.  I laughed.  I sipped a glass of wine.  I took a deep breath of air.  I went outdoors and walked in the grass and felt the sunshine on my face.  I looked up into the night sky and saw a zillion stars.  I said a prayer and I thanked the Lord and will always and forever be grateful...

for you.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  ~Wayne Dyer