V-Day

I remember not being that crazy about Valentine's Day before meeting Edd.  It was always a nice day, but not especially memorable.  As the kids came along I guess I made it all about them.  

The first Valentine's Day after meeting Edd took my breath away.  We couldn't be together on that day but a huge bouquet of red roses was delivered to my home.  I was completely surprised.  He topped it off with a diamond heart necklace the next weekend we were together.  

Every Valentine's Day after that he also made special.  The memories are numerous and each year the cards from him got mushier.  He told me every year not to get him anything.... said Valentine's Day is for girls, but I'd always get him a card.  I think my delight and appreciation for his kindness was the greatest gift I could give him.  It was what he loved the most.  Feeling loved and special and appreciated.

It's funny.  I still feel so much love.  I think we loved each other a lifetime's worth.  I can't think of anything else I wish I received from his heart that I didn't.  I only need to reread the cards and pull out the thoughtful gifts and .... remember.  My heart is full.  Still. 

So.  Today was nice.  I made some healthy dishes like Lentils Dal... a spicy dish made with ginger, garlic, cauliflower, and other aromatic spices.  Had some good talks with friends.  And I received the prettiest flowers delivered to my home from my brother and his sweet wife.  They are happily blooming now on the coffee table.  I feel blessed and content.

this week, this day

It was a lovely day.  It's been a lovely week.

How can that be?  The last two years have only brought heartache and pain to this final week in March.

How could I lose the best person I've ever known and loved to cancer one year and then my beloved mother the next year?

It seemed too much to bear… and horrible timing.

My gratitude is what drives me on and sustains me… gives me strength and courage to move forward…

I grin at the thought of "getting over it"…. Ahhh…. that just doesn't happen. 

But back to gratitude.  When you have lost a lot you realize some never have that much to lose.  I have been so blessed.  And I am still… so blessed.

I'm still a seeker, still one who is looking for the wisdom that the universe contains.  Still trusting in what I cannot see.

Oh, there is so much that we cannot see….

So I want my life to be used still… to be a fragrant offering somehow…

I've been given examples of strength and love and courage... loyalty and belonging.   Those gifts remain.

another december

I've been adding Christmas to my house a little bit at a time this year.  Seems in Christmases past I transformed my home into a Christmas house in one day.  Not this year.  I do a little here and then a little there.  I make a Christmas cookie or just the batter and then bake them another day.  It's working for me.  I'm enjoying it.

I ordered a fresh wreath for my front door.

I put up the small Christmas tree in the dining room.  It's full of so many bright lights!  I am now a firm believer in timers.  I programmed this tree to light up at 4:00 in the afternoon and shut off at 11:00 at night.  I even have it programmed to pop back on at 5am and shut off at 8am.  It was wonderful to wake up to the bright cheerful tree this morning as I stepped out of my bedroom! 

I put some lights up and down my banister too.   I'm not finished yet.  It needs some red bows I'm thinking.  I am really considering NOT putting up the 8 foot Christmas tree in my living room.  It just seems too big of a task... and actually a bit of overkill this year.  I'm happy with the way things are and not feeling like I want to rearrange my living room furniture for a huge tree... as beautiful as it is.   

I may change my mind.

This year... is different.  I am really alone.  Oh, not really alone exactly.  I have my friends.   I have my family.  Oh, yes, and Norman.... but I miss Edd.  Last year was full of heaviness and stress and a feeling of "letting go of more and more pieces" of my life and dreams... of my precious husband and best friend ... and I wouldn't want that again.... but I'm taking one moment at a time these days and feeling my way through them all.  I'm doing what is healthy for me.  Choosing healthy food and exercise... and not neglecting to have that deeply pleasurable peanut butter ball from time to time either!!

I met with our local hospital's volunteer staff and am preparing to volunteer in the gift shop as soon as I get all the administration work completed.  Nice people.  I am looking forward to giving back more.  I'm still tweaking my life... as we all are.

My days continue to be bittersweet.  My memories and thoughts of gratefulness are abundantly rich and sweet, but the empty place in my heart for Edd and his love is always there.  Time and distance from the day I lost him is an interesting thing.  The sting of the painful memories lighten up some with passing time, but as my thoughts return to those painful days as they sometimes do, I can easily feel the pain again.   The tears can so easily spill.  I can't return there often, or at least not for very long.  A person just can't live there.  

I remember the joy and the love and the laughter too... and feel so very blessed.

days gone by

My senses.... my memories bring me back.

Seeing him.  A morning smile.  A gentle touch.  Talking about anything.  We'd laugh.  And listen to each other.  Really listen.  Time to be together.  Drinking that first cup of coffee with complete relaxation as though we had all the time in the world.  I relish the thought of it.

Then up and at 'em....

As he'd prepare for the day I'd make breakfast.

Eventually I would see a man emerge all fresh faced.  A crisp white long-sleeved dress shirt usually with the sleeves rolled up, khaki pants and dress shoes.  All ready for work.  Smelling fresh like soap, shaving creme and Grecian formula.

He would switch to business mode.  When he had somewhere to be, when he had a job to do, he was all about doing it.  When it was time to go, it was time to go.  If lunch wasn't packed and ready to bring, he'd go without it (no problem, we'd meet for lunch).  No nonsense.  No waiting around for it.

It makes me smile now.

Always a kiss good bye... with an "I love you" said .... Never any doubts about that.  Ahhh... that smile and the clear blue eyes shining down on me...  Then out the door with a black leather case carrying laptop and work stuff.....

Just a scene I witnessed and lived hundreds of times..... echoing in my mind and heart....

on the coast

You know what's nice about being with people who love you?  They validate your feelings... your experiences... and what is important to you.  At least being with my family is like that.  They ask me questions.  They care about me.  They listen and let me be myself.  They want to know how I am. 

Daisies in Dad's garden

It's beautiful here.  Here on the Oregon Coast I'm remembering.  Though I didn't grow up here I am  still remembering who I am.  And some of the reasons WHY.  My parents rarely handed over things that we hadn't worked for, didn't have a sense of ownership in, or didn't value.   They modeled hard work, appreciation, and not taking blessings for granted.  They taught me by their example to do the same.  They were, ARE, generous, but never handicapped me by making me into someone who felt entitled.

Yesterday was Dad's 80th birthday.  We didn't necessarily need one, but it was nice to have a wonderful reason to celebrate.



At Salishan

Walking out the front door in the morning to this.

And this... a few steps away in the other direction ... where I was drinking in the cool fresh air.

The ocean is calm today.  My heart is slowly getting there too.

five years ago

They hopped on a plane.  He was so sure.  She had no doubts.   They both knew this was a love that was going to stick around for the long haul.  No reservations.  For better or for worse.  There were no fears.  Not even one. 

We tried to think of a way to bring everyone together to celebrate our love, this precious union, but in the end felt the best thing to do would be to celebrate in a private intimate way.  So off to Las Vegas we went.  A place that held great memories for us....

We landed.  As always he got us the best.  My parents called the hotel before we even arrived and arranged beautiful roses to be delivered to our room ... and champagne!!  As always with this man... it was magic.  We were magic together.

They took a nap when they got to their room.... After a busy work week they rested first ... yet they were soo eager.  They headed to the courthouse ... hand in hand ... "Are you ready?"  said he.  "I am SO ready" said she.  They made their way... giddy with such a sense of rightness... and ... comfort... and ease... the happiness they felt when they were together... with love overflowing.   They had felt as one long before the actual marriage day.  They knew it was right.

And it was meant to be. 

It was 5 years ago .... this very week in June.

thank you

Dear E,

Thank you for being brave.  Thank you for being a shining example of courage and love.  Sometimes I think of different ways this all could have played out.  You could have spent your last months complaining or cursing God.  You could have become bitter. You could have become angry or hateful.  You could have turned inward and become depressed.  You could have pushed me away.  You could have given up. 

But you never did.

Thank you for all the times you looked at me with deep concern and love.  Thank you for all the hours you spent listening to me.  Thank you for always making me feel first in your heart.  Thank you for always thinking of me and wanting me to be okay.   Thank you for telling me that after meeting me you didn't even see other women.  Thank you for your words and actions that said, "Everything I do, I do for you".  Thank you for telling me all the time that I was your joy.  Thank you for meaning it.  Thank you for letting me love you with all my strength.

Your illness revealed who you were.  Your true essence.  A strong, loving, gentle, intensely thoughtful soul with the utmost poise and grace and dignity.  I wish I could scream it loud for everyone to hear.  I am so incredibly proud of you.  I have so much love and respect for you and how you responded to your day to day reality.  I saw it.  I saw it all.  It will forever be a part of who I am.  And who I want to be.

 Photo by Jenni @ http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com

made it through

What a week.  I should be writing this on a Friday, but so much has happened during the week that I think I'll start early looking back on it. 

It was exhausting.  I am totally depleted tonight.  But you know what?  I made it through.  I tackled problems.  I did what needed to be done. I looked for solutions.  I found them.  I educated myself.   I did some planning.  I cried a lot.  I even laughed a little. 

I had dinner with a friend tonight.  What a sweetheart she is.  We chatted it up.  She even let me talk endlessly about Edd.  We talked about men.  Husbands.  How the way they show love for their families is by providing for them.  Edd showed a lot of love.  He thought of everything.  He worked hard and one of the ways he wanted to show he loved me was by taking care of me.  Helping me to understand everything so I'd know what to do.  It gave him joy.  He loved my appreciation for all he did.  Lack of appreciation was one of the things that made his previous relationship sour and die.  As we said to each other one time recently, "What good is love if you can't feel it..."

So even though the week was full of court appearances, opening accounts, closing accounts, learning and trying to understand new things, working through problems, talking to people who can help walk me through difficult decisions, not to mention a broken air conditioner..... I felt okay.   Even through the many tears, I felt what Edd would have wanted me to feel.  Loved and empowered.

Now if I could only get a good night's sleep.

a month ago

It's been a month.  Seems like yesterday.  Seems an eternity.  It's the longest period of time we've been apart from each other since the summer of 2003.  I miss his voice.  I miss his smile.  I miss a million things that made us so good together. 

I think of so many things during the day that I could write in this space.  Things about grief.  Things I am learning.  Things I am thinking about.  All the many things that have changed me.  But for now, I just want to take it all in.   I hope to get back to writing short little outtakes from my day.  I am still in awe of how much I was loved and how much I loved back.   How much I have lost. 

Treasures.  They aren't the things we put in banks or accumulate in our homes.  They aren't the cars we drive or the jewelry we wear.  But if you have love.... you have everything.  If you find someone who melts your heart and someone you gladly want to give your all to... and they feel the same.  If they don't only feel the same but their actions follow...  Now that is a treasure.

We were lucky.  We were blessed.  We had that.  Some people go their whole lives without finding it.  For that I'll always be grateful.  My love for him... is eternal.  And I still feel his love for me.

again and again

Tears flow.  Again.  And again...

I've been changed.  I am better...

because of him.

Because he loved me.

And I loved him.

Deeply.

I am empty.  Yet somehow full.... of him... still.... 

I remember. 

 I cry.  I long.  I'm a complex mess... yet my heart is full of love

... and some kind of strange understanding...  or wisdom... 

still to be figured out...  but mostly.... I miss... and long 

for him

Again and again.
Always.
Forever.

always

Found this today.  Just rummaging through a drawer in the kitchen.  From my last birthday in August.

Does a man like this leave a huge aching hole in your heart?  You better believe it.

Is it getting easier?  No, not yet.

Did I feel loved?  Always.

I'll love you forever too.....

finding my footing

Seems fitting I'd be thinking on suffering this weekend.. Of all times. The time the Christ-followers remember his death. His suffering.

Those who know me know how I have grappled with this. Suffering. I can rattle off all the reasons for it as well as the next person, but when you truly witness it first hand in all its raw physical and emotional pain, once you've lived it, those reasons become hard to accept. Hard to see the love of God there. Hard to trust in his goodness. For me anyway.

I so relate to what C.S. Lewis wrote in his book A Grief Observed. “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

 And this....

“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.”

Oh I choose to believe He is good and loves me, but oh how my heart has been broken into many pieces as I've watched cancer's cruelty destroy so much.

Why did I never doubt his love but I doubt God's?

Suffering. Is there something that suffering can accomplish that maybe nothing else has the power to completely do?

Suffering strips away everything that is not important and leaves only that which really matters. I did witness this too. I saw a man who had so much taken from him and yet his smile remained. Courage was displayed. Love was pure. Grace was apparent. He was content to sit next to me and hold my hand and say he was happy. Maybe God was doing something inside in a place human eyes are unable to see.

I've been trying to find my footing. Seeking a safe place. Trying to come up for air. I just want him back. I'll never have pat answers. For now the waves still wash over me. But there is also hope.

After all....it IS Resurrection Sunday.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor. 13:13

You are never in danger of showing or giving too much love.  Let it flow... and let others know.  Don't make them guess.

valentine's day musings

Eight years ago I got a beautiful bouquet of red roses delivered to my house.  I think it was a Sunday.  We would spend every other weekend together and this one just didn't fall our way.  For some reason Valentine's Day has always been a day he has made special.  Said it's a day for girls and never wanted me to get him anything.  

Card that came with flowers eight years ago....

This Valentine's day I'm thinking of all the things I have.  So many blessings.  It's better than thinking of what I don't have.  I would miss so much ... 

Recently we ventured out to the grocery store together and I told him sadly that I didn't get him a card or a gift yet.  He said, "Don't get me anything.  Just be nice to me"... He said it kind of loud and I looked around and saw a woman grinning as if maybe I wasn't nice to him very often!!  It made me smile and laugh at the time and still does as I think about it..... I can just imagine what the woman thought of me!

A couple of weeks ago I saw him struggling to text someone on his phone.  This worried me some because he was at it for quite some time.  When I finally questioned him he said, "You're awfully nosy..." and then got sad when he saw the surprised look on my face....  He then told me he had been trying to text my daughter to help him get me a gift for Valentine's Day.... I told him I didn't need anything... all I wanted was HIM.... 

He called her later anyway.... and they made a plan...

A pearl ring to complete a set he began for me

Tahitian Cultured Pearl necklace

Turned out he did tell me something he really liked... and I had fun scrounging up the ingredients to make it today.   Seems the mind issues and memory problems aren't all that bad when it comes to desserts!!

Fresh Baked Apple Crisp

with ice-cream...

special today....

It was a nice day.  Not because there were gifts and "stuff", but because more memories were made on our ninth Valentine's Day.

morning and evening

I've always loved the quietness of the morning .... or the settled, reflective feeling of late evening.   The bulky part of the day is just to noisy for me to be able to think very clearly on any one topic.  Fleeting thoughts are all just jumbled together in a messy array.  As I lay awake in bed this morning I felt clarity.  Sometimes I get up and begin the day and that clarity disappears like a dream.  Sad to say.

I looked back this morning at something I said last night that was insensitive and was surprised when the tears came.  In a torrent.  They just kept coming as I thought how I never want to hurt with my words but only build up those that I love and try to make this critical, cruel, and un-accepting world just a little more nice.  A little more gentle.  To hold close those I love and be a cushion for them from a world that can sting.

I wonder how many times I may have wounded someone else by my words and didn't recognize it.  I can be blunt and hurtful.  More so in the past, but even now sometimes.  I know I have improved but still, gentleness isn't always something that comes naturally to me.

My days are full.  I am not sad all the time but my writings can reflect that since  I usually write when I FEEL.  Many people who know me personally would think I'm mostly happy actually.  I can talk to someone on the phone who asks how I am and how Edd is and they hang up thinking we're doing fine and in many ways we are... but I also I have this huge ache inside.   Life has changed.  It's always being rearranged.  When I think I can handle the story line, the script changes again.

It reminds me to be careful.  To be more mindful.  To remember others hurt too... in their own ways.  And I want to find the joy together.

Funny... this was the quote of the day on my blog for today....

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else ~ Charles Dickens

***

potpourri of a day

(huge sigh)... What a mixed bag kind of day.

It began with a man coming at the break of dawn (well, 7:30 am) to repair our doorbell.  Sometimes it rings and sometimes it doesn't.  Not good.  I got tired of having to watch for our visitors lest they ring the bell and wonder why we don't answer. We made our morning pot of coffee and sat in the living room to wait.  The man was right on time.  Early actually.   He didn't have a comparable version, showing me a very cheap plastic yucky one, so he left us with two wires sticking out of the brick as he went on his way to locate a suitable replacement.  We considered leaving it as is and placing a sign above the wires which read "please touch wires together to activate doorbell" but decided that was pretty ghetto.  He called back less than an hour later saying he found one he thought I'd like and could he come back.  Yes!  Nice work.  Thank you.

Got me thinking about some of the workers we've had lately.  This guy cared.  It said a lot about his work ethic and also about him personally.  He wanted to do a good job.  He wanted to get the job DONE.  Unlike the refrigerator repair man who came and tried to get out of every little thing we asked him to do.

Next I went to the bank to get a certified check for the payoff amount to send to our mortgage company.  Yay (high five)!  So far so good.  I sent the check out certified mail and noticed I could go to a business next door to get a badly needed haircut thinking "why not now?"

Well, here's a reason...

Don't get a haircut, especially in Austin, from a very young lady with very short, (umm almost bald), pink hair.  And if you do, make sure she has little, (make that NOT ANY), creative license to do whatever she thinks will look nice and give you style.  ... Yeah, that bad... Oh, well, in six months my hair will, with any luck, look nice again.

I shed some tears today.  I felt enormously sad.  As I cried I thought of my husband who never, I repeat, NEVER, feels sorry for himself.  He just smiles and loves and does what needs to be done.... and appreciates ... and is grateful.

Feeling sorry for myself is a luxury I can't seem to justify.  Damn.  It kind of made me mad today.  But I just couldn't do it... for long....

Next.....

Edd's Mom is going to visit this week.

Conversation heard in our home today:

Me:  Your mom said she'd come on Wednesday or Thursday to visit.  I wonder which day she'll arrive.

Him:  Maybe she will forget.

Me:  She won't forget.  She is one of those people who does what she says she is going to do.

Me... again:  You definitely got all the best Whittington traits.  God must have really been looking out for me when I met you because I had some pretty high standards and you met them all... all I was looking for!

Him:  Well I love you baby... and I'm glad you love me.

Me:  I really do.

Life.  To be continued.......

evening

The wind is blowing tonight. Hard. Colder air is making its way down from the north and is washing away the spring-like day we had a few hours earlier.

Tonight feels kind of lonely as I listen. The night is quiet in my world except for the sound of the wind and some distant chimes.  The gusts can be loud though. They come and they go. Like the waves of the ocean.

I've heard it said it's an ill wind that blows no good.  Not sure exactly what that means but faith says good can come from the most difficult of circumstances. I guess the wind and our loneliness can cause a cleansing of sorts.  Especially as we re evaluate what is important and what is not. The way the wind would separate the chaff from the wheat so only the good stuff remained....

I am seeing that things beyond my control will not change one second before God says so.  The wind won't stop a moment before it's meant to. And my heart's longing will be filled in the proper time.  Such is life for all of us.

God's grace as always is sufficient.


“Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.”

a look back in pictures

Today was a day for reminiscing.  It was bittersweet.  It was lovely.  It was sad.  It was happy.

Walking down Memory Lane....

I'm going through pictures.  Scanning.  Making albums. Enjoying the memories.

Family.  Marriage.  Children.  Love.  Life.

CHERISH EVERY DAY. 

Life is precious.  

Oh, there are hundreds of others but here are a few of the pictures that made me happy today.

Back in 2002... with my mom for Dad's 70th Birthday

Mom and Dad a few years ago

September of 2005

My sweetheart ... taken in Asia in 2007

On my birthday... special dinner out in August of 2007

Celebrating our engagement in the Spring of 2007.

Getting married in Las Vegas June 2007

Look how adorable!  Edd as a baby with his older sister Kathleen.  I love this so much!

Love seeing Edd's pictures of when he was a kid...and all the siblings.  Precious.

Love seeing these family pics... Edd is the oldest son.

This is the view I saw outside of my window in the house I grew up in.  I lived here for 21 years!   HOME!!

Another view of my childhood home.

Look at those beautiful young faces.  My mom and dad... so young and lovely.  They are still a good-looking couple.

Me with my daughters eight years ago in Oregon

One of my favorite pictures of Edd for my own personal reason I could never share.  This one gives me joy. Taken March of 2004.   Seven months after we met.

new year 2012

 I'm finding little difficulty in letting go of 2011.  It was a hard year.  From January through December.  Some of it seems a blur to me. 

I sometimes wish I wasn't as introspective as I am.  I look at others and wonder why they aren't like me, but maybe they tend to enjoy life more.  Maybe they don't have as high of expectations as I do.  On myself and on others.  Maybe they know how to relax more than I do and have the peace that comes from not having to figure out everything and seeing a purpose in it all.

Could I possibly be able to lighten up in  2012?

Probably not.  But maybe (hopefully) some.  Maybe I'll just be able to ACCEPT more and not have to understand everything all the time.

As a new year begins there are a few thoughts that popped into my mind as I began the day.  I'm reminded that ...

He makes His sun rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.  Matt. 5:45

Sometimes good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. I want to be a wise builder in 2012.  Our foundation needs to be strong and if it is we'll be able to withstand the hard times and meet the challenges that come our way.

     “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

I want to believe that God plans good things to come out of our hurts.

Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it.  Genesis 50:20

God can even bring something good out of the hard and seemingly bad things that happen to us.

Don't hide your love in 2012.  

Make sure those special folks in your life KNOW it!

And then SHOW it by how you treat them.  

Necklace I received as a Christmas gift

One of the sweetest expressions of love I received for the new year was from my mom.  

 I want to wish you and Edd a HAPPY NEW YEAR.  I'm still praying for a miricle and hoping 2012 will bring happiness back to your lives. XXXX   I'll be thinking of you.    I love you.

Her words couldn't have been more sincere and heartfelt.  I don't know what the new year will bring, but I hope to be able to recognize, accept and appreciate the gifts that come my way.

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's. ~Henry Moore

One day at a time is all I can handle!

Happy New Year! Much love to all my family and friends! And if you are reading this you are most likely one or the other! xoxo

Christmas gifts

The greatest gifts of Christmas.  This year they'd be mostly intangible.  Oh, I know people say that and there are many gifts that don't have a price tag that others seem to value, but one month ago, I didn't know if I'd even be able to have a regular conversation with my husband again.  I wondered if he'd be able to walk or be able to do anything for himself.

We've been given the gift of some time.  And with time together there are lessons that I learn.  About life.  About myself.

I learn that love is often uncomfortable.  It is often hard work.  A family member of Edd's said to me over the weekend, "I am so impressed with you.  All that you do.  You've been given something you didn't sign up for."  I guess none of us really know what we are signing up for when we take those vows "till death do us part".  Do we?

I learn that some things relating to humility and innocence bring me to a weak and vulnerable place and just break my heart.  Like when I see Edd unable to do something very simple... and he's confused...  But thankfully he seems to be unconcerned and peaceful.  I'm glad of that.  I'm learning and experincing a level of compassion I didn't know existed.

We watched Meet Joe Black this afternoon.  Hoo boy.  Some scenes, especially those between Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins, were hard for me to watch.  Some dialogues brought on the waterworks.

Joe Black: I don't care Bill. I love her. 
William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love. 
Joe Black: Then what is it? 
William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters. 
Joe Black: Which is what? 
William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love. 
Joe Black: So that's what love is according to William Parrish? 
William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about. 

I was given beautifully wrapped gifts that mean a lot too.  Things I can hold in my hand.  The date book I wanted.  The angel ornaments.  The beautiful flower arrangement.  Other things I treasure because they were thoughtfully and lovingly given.  They mean a lot because of the giver's love.

As the day ends, I am luxoriously exhausted and can't wait to slip into warm PJ's and then into my comfy bed and think on the many blessings I DO have.  Life is bittersweet.  Without deep love there'd be no real grief at its loss.  I'm thankful for all the love in my life.

together

He filled the empty places I had. The places I didn't even realize were empty. My needs.

The need to be seen.  

The need to be loved.

The need to feel like a woman. And be wanted. Really feel wanted.

The need to be heard. And feel like someone really "got" me. Understood me. Heard me.

He was always in charge. Wanting to lend a hand.  Planning. Always planning.

The happiest times were when we did things TOGETHER.  Cooked dinner together. Went on a walk together. Had coffee together. Drank wine together. Went out to dinner together.....

I remember one wonderful dinner out he told me he used to have a recurring dream for many years before we met.    He dreamed that he was out to dinner with a wonderful woman. They were having a conversation that gave him happiness. It was fun and completely enjoyable and satisfying.  Fulfilling. He said this dream would come back to him over and over.... But he could never see the woman's face.   He always wanted a woman he could really talk to... and just enjoy BEING with.  And then he met me.

And he never had the dream again.

He looked me in the eye and said I was the woman....in his dream.

I'm glad of that.