Saturday, December 1, 2012

another december

I've been adding Christmas to my house a little bit at a time this year.  Seems in Christmases past I transformed my home into a Christmas house in one day.  Not this year.  I do a little here and then a little there.  I make a Christmas cookie or just the batter and then bake them another day.  It's working for me.  I'm enjoying it.

I ordered a fresh wreath for my front door.

I put up the small Christmas tree in the dining room.  It's full of so many bright lights!  I am now a firm believer in timers.  I programmed this tree to light up at 4:00 in the afternoon and shut off at 11:00 at night.  I even have it programmed to pop back on at 5am and shut off at 8am.  It was wonderful to wake up to the bright cheerful tree this morning as I stepped out of my bedroom! 

I put some lights up and down my banister too.   I'm not finished yet.  It needs some red bows I'm thinking.  I am really considering NOT putting up the 8 foot Christmas tree in my living room.  It just seems too big of a task... and actually a bit of overkill this year.  I'm happy with the way things are and not feeling like I want to rearrange my living room furniture for a huge tree... as beautiful as it is.   

I may change my mind.

This year... is different.  I am really alone.  Oh, not really alone exactly.  I have my friends.   I have my family.  Oh, yes, and Norman.... but I miss Edd.  Last year was full of heaviness and stress and a feeling of "letting go of more and more pieces" of my life and dreams... of my precious husband and best friend ... and I wouldn't want that again.... but I'm taking one moment at a time these days and feeling my way through them all.  I'm doing what is healthy for me.  Choosing healthy food and exercise... and not neglecting to have that deeply pleasurable peanut butter ball from time to time either!!

I met with our local hospital's volunteer staff and am preparing to volunteer in the gift shop as soon as I get all the administration work completed.  Nice people.  I am looking forward to giving back more.  I'm still tweaking my life... as we all are.

My days continue to be bittersweet.  My memories and thoughts of gratefulness are abundantly rich and sweet, but the empty place in my heart for Edd and his love is always there.  Time and distance from the day I lost him is an interesting thing.  The sting of the painful memories lighten up some with passing time, but as my thoughts return to those painful days as they sometimes do, I can easily feel the pain again.   The tears can so easily spill.  I can't return there often, or at least not for very long.  A person just can't live there.  

I remember the joy and the love and the laughter too... and feel so very blessed.