morning and evening

I've always loved the quietness of the morning .... or the settled, reflective feeling of late evening.   The bulky part of the day is just to noisy for me to be able to think very clearly on any one topic.  Fleeting thoughts are all just jumbled together in a messy array.  As I lay awake in bed this morning I felt clarity.  Sometimes I get up and begin the day and that clarity disappears like a dream.  Sad to say.

I looked back this morning at something I said last night that was insensitive and was surprised when the tears came.  In a torrent.  They just kept coming as I thought how I never want to hurt with my words but only build up those that I love and try to make this critical, cruel, and un-accepting world just a little more nice.  A little more gentle.  To hold close those I love and be a cushion for them from a world that can sting.

I wonder how many times I may have wounded someone else by my words and didn't recognize it.  I can be blunt and hurtful.  More so in the past, but even now sometimes.  I know I have improved but still, gentleness isn't always something that comes naturally to me.

My days are full.  I am not sad all the time but my writings can reflect that since  I usually write when I FEEL.  Many people who know me personally would think I'm mostly happy actually.  I can talk to someone on the phone who asks how I am and how Edd is and they hang up thinking we're doing fine and in many ways we are... but I also I have this huge ache inside.   Life has changed.  It's always being rearranged.  When I think I can handle the story line, the script changes again.

It reminds me to be careful.  To be more mindful.  To remember others hurt too... in their own ways.  And I want to find the joy together.

Funny... this was the quote of the day on my blog for today....

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else ~ Charles Dickens

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kindness and tears

This morning it occurred to me that what brings me to tears most often are acts of kindness. Kind acts above all touch my heart and cause the waterworks to flow. I was feeling anxious about wanting to get to the hospital to be with Edd and knowing I had other things to do too, things I needed to do, things that make ME feel healthy and alive... and he told me to stay home, putz around the house, do what I need to...and take care of myself... Just his kind words made me cry. Here is this man that I love fighting an infection that quite frankly could be life threatening considering his health situation... and he thinks of me... he always has. He's always been very unselfish when considering me.

I remember another very vulnerable time two years ago when Edd was fighting an infection and we didn't even know it. We just didn't know why he wasn't getting better. On the outside I would appear strong, but inside I was fragile and ready to break. A nurse put her arm around me. She saw through the cracks in my armour and showed compassion... and I broke down in tears.

I cry in parts of movies where there is a deep human connection that I can relate to.

I think tears are a gift from God. When our emotions get too strong and powerful it's important to let them spill out. We can cry with someone or we can cry alone, but we should cry when we need to.

Jesus wept. He wept when he saw human suffering. He wept when he saw the deep love and pain others felt when they were separated from one other.

"....knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance" ... words in the Bible that indicate that God's kindness has the power to change our lives for the better. Makes us WANT to do the right thing. Kindness inspires kindness.

Being in a hospital situation is pretty enlightening. I see people who should never have gone into the medical profession... and I see others who touch hurting people every day with a care and compassion that is blow-your-mind overwhelming in its power to nurture another human being.

I had to throw away two flower arrangements today that were sent to the house to cheer us and show love and care. The flowers fade and die, but the kind deeds are lasting memories that live on and never fade. They won't be thrown away. Other kindnesses shown hold fast in my mind and heart too.

There are a million things I could write about all of this, but I want to keep it simple right now. I am just thankful for those who show kindness and want to be one of those who can make a difference in the life of another.

Purpose

Joy. Peace. Love. Contentment. Fear. Anxiety. Hatred. Words are powerful. They have the power to help and to heal. To build up or tear down. Words of tenderness from a loved one can change a horrible situation into something you're able to deal with. I really want to choose to use words of comfort and encouragement more than words of judgement and condemnation. I know I have often hurt others with my words in the past and I'm saddened by that. Maybe I'd do it again if I were in the same situations, but I like to think I'd be more kind.

I ponder what life is about. What each of us should strive for. Where do our treasures lie? The Bible says not to lay up treasures on earth, but in heaven. What does that even mean? Oh, I've heard numerous sermons on the subject. It is easy to see how "stuff" quickly becomes old and even useless. The more stuff we own it seems the more it owns us. I think life should be lived with purpose, but what does that mean? I'd like to strive for world peace, cure cancer, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, bring hope to the hopeless ... but I'm just one person and it all seems overwhelming.

Yesterday as I walked from my car to the grocery store a lady called out to me from her car. She was standing next to her open door and asked me if I could bring her a shopping cart which I happily did. She couldn't walk very well and needed the cart for support as she walked from her car to the store. Our days are sprinkled with things like this. People in our little universe who benefit from our existence. People in our families, in our homes, in our workplace. Random people we meet each day. I really want to be a Noticer. To live my life with a sense of purpose. The world doesn't stop when I'm in pain. It continues to revolve and people go on with their lives irregardless of what I am going through. There are many times I feel anxiety and fear, but I want my life filled with more love, peace, joy and contentment.... and to spread it around.