moving forward and trusting ....

I just love evenings like this.  One that I can pour a glass of wine, have a little Brie.... and crackers... enjoy a pesto and tomato pizza and just relax and think and reflect... Count my many blessings.... see clearly God working in my life....

....I've begun trusting myself again.  And it feels right... and good.  While in a vulnerable place I began questioning myself too much and what I had to offer.  And you know what?  After much soul searching I'm coming out of it.  I'm realizing I have much experience and much to share of value.   I don't need to hold back when the circumstance warrants.   Adversity will do that to a person.   Make them question.  Doubt.  But it's designed to eventually make us stronger.  With more resilience, courage and strength ...  and more to give.

It is doing that.

God uses adversity for our good.  If we are willing and open....

Times of questioning in our lives have their place.  I welcome it.  But I'm feeling stronger now.  God brought me into, stayed with me, walked with me through... and brought me out of.... is STILL bringing me out of.... tough times .... for a reason.  Once again I am seeing that His divine plan involves nothing, NOTHING, being wasted.  It's used for our good.... for a purpose.... whether you believe in Him or not... He is....

... for you too.

I'm trusting.

Thankful.

Grateful.

At peace.

my little girl self

The more experiences I have and the more time that passes I find I am even more thankful for the parents I was given.  They taught me to be independent and to stand on my own.  They choose to think the best of me and don't get overly in my face making me feel their way is the only way.  We are able to be honest and share our thoughts freely without the fear of being ostracized or judged or looked down on for having our own ideas.   I hope I can be this kind of supportive parent as well.  It has shaped me and made me who I am.

A friend told me today that I should consider the spiritual and emotional damage that cancer does (or can do) to me while it does physical damage to Edd, and forgive myself when I'm less than perfect even if others will ... either now or later ... be judgmental or critical.  I'm such an honest and open person and I'm finding out I can't always be that way with some... because they easily misunderstand... It's made me sad to realize that again.  That I can't trust everyone... You'd think I would have learned that by now... 

Words can help and words can hurt.  I am very grateful for the people in my life who use their words and spiritual depth to pull me out of wrong perspectives. 

There are many things I am telling my "little girl self" today.  The little girl that needs to be reminded she is doing right.  She is giving her all and even when it's not acknowledged or understood and her heart aches and feels trampled on, she can learn and grow and find rest and perspective and the peace that passes all understanding...... She needs to trust God more ... and herself.

Kindergarten

Me with my brother

One year old

keeping on....

This has been quite a week.  When it was still all in front of us it seemed liked a mountain to climb and even though we are not out of the woods yet, it's clear we are moving ahead one step at a time.    

Edd got the planning scans done for the cyber knife brain radiation he will be getting next week.  It is all very amazing what doctors can do these days.  Kind of scary... ok, very scary, but also great that there are more options for people than ever before.  We have encountered people who really care... or they sure act like they do!  

The week was one filled with many unknowns.  We still don't know what will happen with Edd's employment status at his workplace which was just bought out through a hostile takeover.  He's now on full time disability, but is still in transition and this takeover adds to the stresses that arise from unanswered questions.  We still remain hopeful though that after the dust settles we will be okay.  I am so grateful for those who lift us up to Heaven in prayer.  Boy do we need it.  Times like this you realize just how little power we have over situations that come up in our lives.

It was nice to make dinner last night with Jenni.

Nice for me to get out in my garden this morning and get my hands dirty.... (manicure this afternoon)....

There will be fears I'll most likely succumb to again (drat). Things I'll worry over.  Some things will come our way, and some things won't.  Some good.  Some not so good.  But I'll just keep trying to remember that God has a plan and I want to be a willing participant instead of a resister.... keep the line of communication open and keep trusting He'll take care of us.  And just keep loving each other through whatever comes.

Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow -- perhaps it all will.

-- Albert Einstein

Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
-- Margaret B. Runbeck

It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. 
-- Laura Ingalls Wilder

trying to trust...anyway

I am trying to come  to terms with some enormous questions....mysteries really...and my faith ...and God's plans.  I used to think we could understand why God was doing things in the world, what His purpose was. That we could know with reasonable certainty. Now I am far from sure and I'm thinking it may be a bit arrogant to suggest I know.

Like Edd's cancer. If God could just tell me why... What is His purpose in it? Is He punishing us? Is He choosing us? Is it random? Is there something we are missing? 

I have heard some so-called reasons and they do sometimes give comfort and a measure of satisfaction, but these answers are inadequate and incomplete and don't bring peace. They seem too simplistic and the truth is I don't know the plans God has...for me, for those I love, or for this world. Who can know the mind of God?

Yes, we learn the importance of living each day in a deliberate and grateful way. Yes we see the foolishness in sweating the small stuff. Yes, we focus more on things that really matter. Yes we think just a little deeper about what it means to love and be alive.  But still.  It's still not enough. It may be a by-product of all this but it doesn't answer my why questions.  

He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-31)

My heart is breaking Lord and I am not sensing that you are binding up my wounds. I do not feel your rest.

Sometimes God is so very silent to me. I so want to trust Him in these hard times, but feel as if I am failing.