words from the past

This morning I read over some of my words written the first year after losing Edd. A personal blog I didn't publish because it was too raw. And it touched me because of its realness.... the experiences and descriptions of a grieving widow.

It didn't make me cry. It didn't make me sad... It was poignant and human.

It made me feel loved.... He would have liked that.

It's been over three years. I've learned it takes time to heal. More time than we'd like. Some wounds are too deep to heal quickly. But we carry on and live each day taking care of our wounds as best we can until it doesn't hurt as much.

The world is hurting. Suffering is universal. Some more, maybe some less, but none of us are immune to it. It changes us and if we let it teach us we can learn things we couldn't learn any other way.

I pray for our hurting world.

Sunday, October 14, 2012
truth be told

If truth be told ....

I am still devastated by losing Edd... and it feels like yesterday and my heart aches.

I still can't sleep at night more than an hour or two at a time.

I miss him... more deeply ever day.

I haven't been able to engage in normal life... whatever that is.

I don't know how to re enter life, living it, without him.  I try to force myself, but there is  no one meeting me half way either.  And forcing anything doesn't work.

I have actually been taking care of myself, exercising, eating right, going to my doctor's appointments, putting on my makeup, looking nice, losing weight.... but for what??  I do it for myself yes... and for Edd.  Because he'd like that.

I probably am depressed ... and feel unsafe and insecure in the world.

I am very afraid of opening myself up again.

Seeing the love of my life deteriorate in front of my eyes, stealing away our dreams and life as a couple, carrying and feeling his pain, not being able to stop it... did something to me deep inside.  There is a sadness in me that I can't reach and the emotion and tears bubble up ... still.

Too bad if this doesn't fit into others' schedule of what is normal or healthy.  But it's the way it is.

Listening to some great music right now and just feeling it.... Right now a CD is pouring jams through the airwaves in my home and it feels nice.  It feels cozy and warm and I know.... in time... I'll find my way again.  In time.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012
seven months ago

You know. Of course you know. You knew how lonely I'd be for you. When you left... seven months ago. You knew my heart would ache. No one else needs to understand. How could they? Only WE know what we shared. I see that.... and it's okay. It's enough to know that you know. And you are with me. I feel you. If you were here you would look into my eyes with complete ease and full understanding. Together we always felt at home. At home with each other. Whenever we were together we were home...

this week, this day

It was a lovely day.  It's been a lovely week.

How can that be?  The last two years have only brought heartache and pain to this final week in March.

How could I lose the best person I've ever known and loved to cancer one year and then my beloved mother the next year?

It seemed too much to bear… and horrible timing.

My gratitude is what drives me on and sustains me… gives me strength and courage to move forward…

I grin at the thought of "getting over it"…. Ahhh…. that just doesn't happen. 

But back to gratitude.  When you have lost a lot you realize some never have that much to lose.  I have been so blessed.  And I am still… so blessed.

I'm still a seeker, still one who is looking for the wisdom that the universe contains.  Still trusting in what I cannot see.

Oh, there is so much that we cannot see….

So I want my life to be used still… to be a fragrant offering somehow…

I've been given examples of strength and love and courage... loyalty and belonging.   Those gifts remain.

dreams and memories

Memories DO light the corners of our mind....


Life is full of them isn't it?  There are so many thoughts going around in our mind throughout the day and through the night.  Often I'll wake with a thought and wonder now WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?    Some thoughts are awakened while we sleep.  I just wish I could clearly remember them when I wake up.  Our memories feed our dreams....


Dreams.


Recently I had a dream that was so vivid and real... unusual in that I remember it still.  I  was going to meet Edd somewhere at a certain time.  I was walking to the building where we were to meet and I was a little early, but as I got closer I could see through the window that he was already there, eagerly waiting for me, looking out with a huge smile on his face.  His face looked incredibly handsome (as it always did to me) and he was so happy to see me!  I also was overjoyed and showed it by my response to him and .... well it was a very good dream that left me smiling when I soon awoke....


Memories.


Today.  Today I remembered words from my dear husband over two years ago.  Moments before he had his second seizure in our home due to brain mets he told me he dropped a pill (or pills) he was trying to take.  It worried me because they were very important that he take them in a timely way.   I was always so careful and mindful of all he had to do, worrying over him as I so often did..... But I knew immediately something wasn't right by the way he looked at me... confusion on his face.  Soon after that he had a seizure and ended up in the hospital for weeks.....


... I always wondered about that pill or pills he said he dropped.  I searched and searched for them on the floor around the couch but never found anything.  I finally believed he said what he did in a confused state not really having dropped them .... but today...  today I found two little pills in the sofa where he had been sitting... And that memory brought  me back.    It brought me back to a difficult time.... but one full of love and hope... care and compassion....


Memories do that. 




************************


     
Today as I prayed for those I love and thought about my own life I asked God to help me to say "yes" to life in all its beauty ... and to say "no" to death in all its ugly forms.


Say yes to love and loving and kindness... joy and goodness....faith, hope....and charity... courage and generosity ... empathy and compassion.


Say no to resentment and bitterness.... jealousy, fear, envy.... greed and selfishness,  judgment and cruelty.


Life is short.  Too short.  And "there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend"....


Let the good memories guide you, teach you, lead you on to do more... be more....  The hardest and best of times have lessons to teach that must not be lost.... For they make us more full of what it means to be human.

adapting

Mmmm.  It's been so nice here in Texas.  Especially as I listen to weather reports around the country.  I know I wouldn't like to live in a snowy climate any more.  My body would have a hard time adapting to that.  I used to be invigorated by the cold!  What happened to that girl? 

I was thinking this morning that this was just about perfect.  The day warms up and then the night cools down considerably.  In the morning my furnace kicks on just to take the chill out of the house as I'm shuffling over to the coffee pot to make a cup of fresh brew.   Of course that Texas heat that we all love to complain about will return in time too, but for now.... I'm just enjoying.

Yesterday as I ran my errands and walked to my car I felt this "beachy" feeling.  I don't know how to explain it except to say it reminded me of days gone by.  It brought me back to a time sitting on a beach blanket at the New Jersey shore with a warm ocean breeze blowing through my hair and the warmth of the sun soaking into my skin. To riding bicycles on the boardwalk in Wildwood.  Funny how a sight, smell, or some random thought can do that.  I'm beginning to hear the birds sing again in the morning.  The winter months can be so quiet.  It seems all living things go into a silent rest.

Seasons.  There is a time for that silent rest.

I have satellite radio in my car. There are some good programs and I always seem to learn something or take away some "food for thought".    I used to find myself saying to Edd "today I heard this on the radio.... they were talking about....  What do you think of that?"   We talked about anything and everything.  Today I heard someone make a comment that "Depression is when nothing matters.  Sadness is when everything matters."  Made me realize I don't have a tendency toward depression.  Even after all that has happened .... But sadness...  yes.   There seems to be a poignancy to everything.

But today?  Today I'll relish life, breathe deeply and put one foot in front of the other moving forward knowing I'd miss so much if I didn't. 

One faces the future with one's past.  ~Pearl S. Buck

another december

I've been adding Christmas to my house a little bit at a time this year.  Seems in Christmases past I transformed my home into a Christmas house in one day.  Not this year.  I do a little here and then a little there.  I make a Christmas cookie or just the batter and then bake them another day.  It's working for me.  I'm enjoying it.

I ordered a fresh wreath for my front door.

I put up the small Christmas tree in the dining room.  It's full of so many bright lights!  I am now a firm believer in timers.  I programmed this tree to light up at 4:00 in the afternoon and shut off at 11:00 at night.  I even have it programmed to pop back on at 5am and shut off at 8am.  It was wonderful to wake up to the bright cheerful tree this morning as I stepped out of my bedroom! 

I put some lights up and down my banister too.   I'm not finished yet.  It needs some red bows I'm thinking.  I am really considering NOT putting up the 8 foot Christmas tree in my living room.  It just seems too big of a task... and actually a bit of overkill this year.  I'm happy with the way things are and not feeling like I want to rearrange my living room furniture for a huge tree... as beautiful as it is.   

I may change my mind.

This year... is different.  I am really alone.  Oh, not really alone exactly.  I have my friends.   I have my family.  Oh, yes, and Norman.... but I miss Edd.  Last year was full of heaviness and stress and a feeling of "letting go of more and more pieces" of my life and dreams... of my precious husband and best friend ... and I wouldn't want that again.... but I'm taking one moment at a time these days and feeling my way through them all.  I'm doing what is healthy for me.  Choosing healthy food and exercise... and not neglecting to have that deeply pleasurable peanut butter ball from time to time either!!

I met with our local hospital's volunteer staff and am preparing to volunteer in the gift shop as soon as I get all the administration work completed.  Nice people.  I am looking forward to giving back more.  I'm still tweaking my life... as we all are.

My days continue to be bittersweet.  My memories and thoughts of gratefulness are abundantly rich and sweet, but the empty place in my heart for Edd and his love is always there.  Time and distance from the day I lost him is an interesting thing.  The sting of the painful memories lighten up some with passing time, but as my thoughts return to those painful days as they sometimes do, I can easily feel the pain again.   The tears can so easily spill.  I can't return there often, or at least not for very long.  A person just can't live there.  

I remember the joy and the love and the laughter too... and feel so very blessed.

new ride (for us)

Today I did another thing I told myself I would do... for me... and for Edd.   I am proud of myself... not in an arrogant way, but in a I'm-making-progress-moving-forward-doing-what-is-on-my-to-do-list kind of way.

Even when Edd was sick he talked about us getting bikes.  I knew in my heart of hearts that we wouldn't be riding bikes together, but I never discouraged him or made him feel we wouldn't.   It was still a good idea.  And I told myself I would do it for us and for him...  because he couldn't.  And it would be fun...

I've been researching what kind of bike would be good for me and after weeks of looking around and talking to people, I finally found the one I wanted. 

I rode for an hour today and got a good work out.  The best part of the workout was that it was fun and even though I was tired afterwards and sweaty, I felt good and know this is habit-forming due to how much enjoyment it gave me.  I got very teary-eyed as I started out as I thought of Edd and how it was another thing I felt I was doing for him... for us.... for me.... and that he'd be happy.

And I felt his smile on me.....

evening

Sitting outside on the back patio with a glass of Pinot Noir. It's a warm evening but not burning hot like the mid-summer nights were.  It is the end of the season and there is a definite change in the air. A month ago I wouldn't enjoy this. Tonight it brings delight. I feel cooler undertones.

I sit here with a little dog resting at my feet. Loyal. Sweet. Pandora radio is playing some hauntingly beautiful piano music, and as it stirs my soul I think about how life moves along with the ebbs and flows designed to expand our soul and its capacity to feel pain and empathy, joy and love. I feel carried along by some unseen Force I have little control over.

I am growing in my understanding and have discovered there is no end to what we can learn about ourselves in this life if we have the desire and will, interest and curiosity. Equally there are things we just cannot know. I am growing in the ability to be true to myself. Kind... but still faithful in making choices based on what I know.

Sometimes I wish I could fashion the very life that I think would be ideal. But then I also find a strange peace in knowing I am not in control of everything.  I am learning to do my best and leave the results to that Force that seems to have its way no matter what I do sometimes. It will have to be okay.

So I will curl up with this sense of Presence and Care and relish it. Wait and be still and act and move when it's time to do so....

Tomorrow is the first official day of autumn.

I lost him in the springtime. I carry him with me every day. It is real and powerful. That will never change. I am learning I won't get over this loss but will absorb it into my life. The sorrow takes up permanent residence in my soul ... and enlarges it. It becomes who I am. The loss is a painful part of a (hopefully) healthy whole.

days gone by

My senses.... my memories bring me back.

Seeing him.  A morning smile.  A gentle touch.  Talking about anything.  We'd laugh.  And listen to each other.  Really listen.  Time to be together.  Drinking that first cup of coffee with complete relaxation as though we had all the time in the world.  I relish the thought of it.

Then up and at 'em....

As he'd prepare for the day I'd make breakfast.

Eventually I would see a man emerge all fresh faced.  A crisp white long-sleeved dress shirt usually with the sleeves rolled up, khaki pants and dress shoes.  All ready for work.  Smelling fresh like soap, shaving creme and Grecian formula.

He would switch to business mode.  When he had somewhere to be, when he had a job to do, he was all about doing it.  When it was time to go, it was time to go.  If lunch wasn't packed and ready to bring, he'd go without it (no problem, we'd meet for lunch).  No nonsense.  No waiting around for it.

It makes me smile now.

Always a kiss good bye... with an "I love you" said .... Never any doubts about that.  Ahhh... that smile and the clear blue eyes shining down on me...  Then out the door with a black leather case carrying laptop and work stuff.....

Just a scene I witnessed and lived hundreds of times..... echoing in my mind and heart....

centering thoughts for today

Centering myself....trying to keep balance.... and connection.  Sometimes life comes at us in ways that knock us off that center ... or we have a reprieve from taking care of ourselves as we should.   It's a challenge to keep it all together...  and we often don't know we are neglecting an important part until something breaks down.  I have been taking care of neglected parts of me lately.  Learning how to do all I can... the BEST I can... and then surrendering to God to do what I cannot.  And trusting him with the outcome.

Peace will come.... I want to feel like a fine wine.... getting better with age from having gone through the experiences I have.  From learning and growing.

Thinking of the spiritual part of us...  I think the spiritual part involves seeking.  Seeking meaning and purpose.  Being drawn to hope and not giving in to despair.  It's believing there is something more in life.  It's hope and light and ... grace.

I think of Edd again... as always...   The end of his life was full of ... spirit.  The physical he was unable to control, but the spirit... was so evident.  I saw so often his true self.  The part of him that had hope and purpose and strength and grace... and love.

I know there are spiritual and physical laws in the universe and when miracles occur they happen when God bends these laws for us in an intimate way.  It brought me to tears as I thought of his power.  Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't.   I don't know all the whys. But I know I have had many blessings in my life.  I cherish and treasure them.  I am so grateful for what I've been able to experience. 

I think a way I can honor Edd is by living.  If I'm still here I must have a purpose. If he had hope and love, grace, and joy... I can too.

I'm off to the Oregon Coast tomorrow... I hope to post some pictures of the beauty... and relish being with family and enjoying God's creation... and being present.  In the moment.  Centering.  Breathing. And being Home with myself....

five years ago

They hopped on a plane.  He was so sure.  She had no doubts.   They both knew this was a love that was going to stick around for the long haul.  No reservations.  For better or for worse.  There were no fears.  Not even one. 

We tried to think of a way to bring everyone together to celebrate our love, this precious union, but in the end felt the best thing to do would be to celebrate in a private intimate way.  So off to Las Vegas we went.  A place that held great memories for us....

We landed.  As always he got us the best.  My parents called the hotel before we even arrived and arranged beautiful roses to be delivered to our room ... and champagne!!  As always with this man... it was magic.  We were magic together.

They took a nap when they got to their room.... After a busy work week they rested first ... yet they were soo eager.  They headed to the courthouse ... hand in hand ... "Are you ready?"  said he.  "I am SO ready" said she.  They made their way... giddy with such a sense of rightness... and ... comfort... and ease... the happiness they felt when they were together... with love overflowing.   They had felt as one long before the actual marriage day.  They knew it was right.

And it was meant to be. 

It was 5 years ago .... this very week in June.

take care

I was proactive in taking care of me.  Any time I actually make a doctor's appointment for myself I feel good.  I'd been taking care of Edd for so long, but there are no longer any excuses to neglect my own health.  I knew I needed some extra help and advice so I went to see my doctor to talk over my concerns and how all this grieving is affecting me.  I'm glad I did.  I even discovered I weigh five pounds less than I did this time last year. I'll take any good news I can find!

I am seeing myself go through different stages in the last couple of months since losing Edd.  I hurt just as much, but I feel as though he is deeper in my heart than he has ever been.  I used to get angry if someone said he would always be with me, but I am feeling as though this really may be true.  He isn't here the way I want him to be, that's a fact.... and when I think of how much I miss him it can be unbearable....  but he is with me in ways that will only increase with time. 

It is a great blessing that I feel his support... every moment.  He wanted it to be that way, and it is.  I have felt too vulnerable for too long.  Fragile.  Bending at times to the opinions of others whose views we didn't entirely share.   But it'll be okay.  Going forward I plan to feel more confident because that is what Edd would want for me.  I feel his strength.  Every day.  Telling me... "Kathi, you're doing fine."  Or, "I'll see you before you know it".

And he would want me to take care of myself... at least as much as I took care of him...

I dropped a tear in the ocean.  The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.  ~Author Unknown

teardrop

the small stuff

Days follow days.  I'm doing the right things.  Most of them anyway.  I appear to be coping quite well.  Goes to show that no one really knows do they....  and appearances can be quite deceptive.   I'm reading.  A Grief Observed....   The Year of Magical Thinking.  It helps to get my mind on something else.  Relatable.  But there is no cure for grief.  None.

A very insightful friend who also lost her husband told me this week that "it doesn't help that you keep finding yourself 'ambushed' by the simplest things. Missing the little things even more than the big stuff. This is one time when the small stuff seems to have power to hurt beyond reason." 

A Robert Brault quote comes back to me effortlessly ....  "Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."  

I did enjoy the little things. 

I had a dream last night.  I was in the same room as Edd.  It was a full room packed with people.  The details of the dream aren't terribly important but the important thing was that we knew we were in the same room together.   My awareness of his presence was strong.  And I was certain he was aware of mine.  It felt nice... even though we didn't speak.  He was busy in charge of doing something and I was going to have some responsibility placed on me too.  But I felt good just knowing he was nearby.  I was very aware of the feeling of wanting to do well because he would know.  I didn't feel stress.... but I just wanted to do a good job because he would be there to see me.

I've had my share of bad dreams.... It's nice when you have a good one.

 

moving through it

Met with my therapist again today.  Yes, I have one.  Here's the thing.  Everyone needs to grieve.  It's not an option.  I don't need anyone to tell me that.  I'm naturally reflective.  No surprise there I know. It comes pretty natural to me.  It's exhausting though to sit and cry in front of a stranger.  And I have no ability to hold it back right now.   Sometimes I feel like, "why am I doing this?", but in reality, it is what I need.  It validates my feelings.  It allows me to express myself in a safe place.  It helps to let someone else hear my heart and tell me things in a different way that I am already experiencing. 

Just as I was feeling a little too vulnerable and as though maybe this wasn't where I needed to be, I began talking about how I've always believed one of the greatest things we can do in life is to help take the sting out of it for someone who is experiencing something hard or painful.  It occurred to me that I DO take on other's pain in a real and raw way.  People I intensely love.  Like Edd.  He often said, "I think this is harder on you than it is on me"... Could that have been true?   I didn't think so at the time.  He may have felt some of my hurt too.   But today I realized that I had double the pain.  Not only did I feel acutely my own, but I felt (or imagined) his as well. 

When I was watching Edd's suffering, helping him through it and being a support or caregiver and all that goes with it, I thought, "when all this is over I am going to need some serious grief counseling" because I didn't have time to think about it at the time.   I just did what needed to be done and tried as hard as I could to be strong... for him.  It was what needed to be done, but now I am left with all of it still...  the memories.  Feeling it, remembering it all. Processing it.  Feeling it all over again.  I didn't have time then to grieve or cry or sort it out.  I watched his emotional and physical pain and felt it and mine in all its enormity.

So... I understood today that it's not just the pain of loss... of separation... of not wanting to let him go... that I feel, as if that isn't painful enough... It's also the accumulation of pain and grief from seeing him suffer and how I internalized all of that for oh so long.... I wanted sooo much to ease his suffering, somehow take it away from him, that I took it on myself.  I felt it all...his and mine.   And that is what I am dealing with now. 

So... again... we are all changed by one another, aren't we?  To a certain degree.  I have this love that is no longer in my life with a deep desire to channel it somewhere.  A desire for expression that has no where to go.  Wanting to keep that sense of connection with him somehow.   To honor him with some kind of perfect expression. 

How to do that?  I don't know.  It is still to be discovered.

Path

eaglets.... and decisions...

I'm still watching the eagles.  The first one hatched the day Edd left.  March 27.  I see their growth and it reminds me of the passing of time....

They've grown.  They are maturing.  They are becoming exactly what they are meant to become.  Mom and Dad are being good parents.  Bringing them food and protecting them from danger.  Day and night.  Always attentive to their needs. 

They don't communicate with words like we do, but they do communicate.  They teach.  I am in awe of how they get the lessons across to their young.

Often now I witness mom or dad sitting in the nest with wings outstretched.  Just still.  Just sitting there for the youngsters to.... observe.  No words said.  Nothing but an example.   Not all at once but they are slowly learning to fly ... one step at a time.

The young watch.  They are observing.  And they are imitating.  They are doing the same.  Opening up their own wings.  Like mama.  So endearing.  So sweet.  Reminds me how most things are caught, not verbally taught.

Eagle photo

On another not totally unrelated topic....

I've been looking at some of Edd's management books.  I was always impressed by what a good manager he was.  Of his time, of people, of groups, of projects.   All the ideas are so good.  Valuable skills to have... principles to know.  Like....

    1. Never tolerate mediocrity.
    2. Move fast with reversible decisions- move less fast with irreversible decisions.
    3. It is better to impose slight over-control than to lose control.
    4. Aggressive and consistent review of accountability guarantees an improvement in results.
    5. Management planning is not complicated, but it is tedious- That's why the temptation is so strong to avoid it.
    6. Avoid becoming responsible for someone else's problems- you should have enough of your own to work on.
    7. A decisive man will prevail only because almost everybody is indecisive. 
    8. (but)  Never make a decision unless you really have to.
    9. The right decision at the wrong time is always a bad decision.

I have many good things I can learn and spend my time on.  I have some decisions to make too and some of them I have been putting off.  Some are perfectly okay to put off.  Some shouldn't be put off.  And some I didn't put off, but did exactly right.  Made a decision that needed to be made and was proactive.

I'm kind of proud of that.  And Edd would be proud of me too.

every moment

Staying busy right now is helpful.  And I do have a lot of things that need doing.  It's amazing actually.  So far it hasn't felt overwhelming.  I will tackle things one item at a time.  Like Edd would do.  Even when he had little strength he did what he needed to do.  His example is ever with me.  He gives me strength every day.  He said doing the right thing gave him strength.  It does the same for me.  I will do the right things. 

Lately Texas has experienced a few pretty impressive thunderstorms and some dark, cloudy days.  They give me a melancholy feeling ... as if I needed more of that ... and make me feel like I should take a jacuzzi or settle down with a book... and rest.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I dislike summers here ... they can be hot and sunny every day and don't compel me to sit a while, hunker down, and just be cozy. 

The days keep marching on though.  Never stopping for anyone or anything.  How did the world not stop the day he left me?  I feel as though I'm sitting by a window on a train watching as the scene keeps changing, the days keep passing, and yet my heart is left behind in the past.  It has a gaping wound that even as it begins to heal, as all wounds should, the scab continues to fall off... again and again. 

I write because it feels as though I'm keeping him close.  I write because I miss him so much.  I write because every day I am reminded in so many ways how much he loved me and how he wants me to be strong.  I write because I want him to somehow know I will never forget.  I write because he is so close in my heart and even though I may be doing any number of things during the day, he is always in my thoughts.  Always right there.  Every moment. 

****

Ps... I love all those who have messaged me or commented... Please know your words are so precious to me and mean so much.... more than you could ever know.  Although I write for ME, I so appreciate the sweet encouragement and love that's been expressed... Bless you all...

My spring garden in the rain

Just a song I like....

thank you

Dear E,

Thank you for being brave.  Thank you for being a shining example of courage and love.  Sometimes I think of different ways this all could have played out.  You could have spent your last months complaining or cursing God.  You could have become bitter. You could have become angry or hateful.  You could have turned inward and become depressed.  You could have pushed me away.  You could have given up. 

But you never did.

Thank you for all the times you looked at me with deep concern and love.  Thank you for all the hours you spent listening to me.  Thank you for always making me feel first in your heart.  Thank you for always thinking of me and wanting me to be okay.   Thank you for telling me that after meeting me you didn't even see other women.  Thank you for your words and actions that said, "Everything I do, I do for you".  Thank you for telling me all the time that I was your joy.  Thank you for meaning it.  Thank you for letting me love you with all my strength.

Your illness revealed who you were.  Your true essence.  A strong, loving, gentle, intensely thoughtful soul with the utmost poise and grace and dignity.  I wish I could scream it loud for everyone to hear.  I am so incredibly proud of you.  I have so much love and respect for you and how you responded to your day to day reality.  I saw it.  I saw it all.  It will forever be a part of who I am.  And who I want to be.

 Photo by Jenni @ http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com

made it through

What a week.  I should be writing this on a Friday, but so much has happened during the week that I think I'll start early looking back on it. 

It was exhausting.  I am totally depleted tonight.  But you know what?  I made it through.  I tackled problems.  I did what needed to be done. I looked for solutions.  I found them.  I educated myself.   I did some planning.  I cried a lot.  I even laughed a little. 

I had dinner with a friend tonight.  What a sweetheart she is.  We chatted it up.  She even let me talk endlessly about Edd.  We talked about men.  Husbands.  How the way they show love for their families is by providing for them.  Edd showed a lot of love.  He thought of everything.  He worked hard and one of the ways he wanted to show he loved me was by taking care of me.  Helping me to understand everything so I'd know what to do.  It gave him joy.  He loved my appreciation for all he did.  Lack of appreciation was one of the things that made his previous relationship sour and die.  As we said to each other one time recently, "What good is love if you can't feel it..."

So even though the week was full of court appearances, opening accounts, closing accounts, learning and trying to understand new things, working through problems, talking to people who can help walk me through difficult decisions, not to mention a broken air conditioner..... I felt okay.   Even through the many tears, I felt what Edd would have wanted me to feel.  Loved and empowered.

Now if I could only get a good night's sleep.

always with me

Lessons are sometimes too quickly lost.  Forgotten.  How these last days, months... years... have changed me is worth keeping close and somehow putting into words. 

Sometimes I concentrate too much on what I don't know and too little on what I do.

I've learned.  I've grown.  I'm changed.  I'm a better person for what I've gone through.  For what I've gone through with him.  His strength has given me courage as I make decisions.  His commitment to us, to me and my good, has humbled me.  His selflessness has inspired me and given me compassion I didn't know I had.  His foresight and ability to look ahead to potential problems and think through issues made an impact on me.  I find myself emulating him.  Being more like him in ways that make me a better person.  He has become a part of me.   

People who say he is always with me sometimes perplex and annoy me, because he isn't with me.  I want his touch and his smile and his warm body to embrace.  But I do sense his spirit.   The very soul that gave me so much love and kindness.

My days have been busy.  It's best that way.  I do work every day and have a lot to get done.  I remember Edd's custom of doing a little (or a lot) every day and that amounted to actually accomplishing things in time.  I will do the same.

But I want to make room for some fun too.  Today I fixed up a cozy spot in my living room and placed a new desk and chair in a corner so I'd have a place to plunk my portable laptop.  It's a nice place to enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while I do some work, reading or research.

One day at a time.  That's about all I can do right now.  My throat often gets tight and tears are ready to spill in an instant.  How quickly they come.  My heart is completely full of him.  It will take time to learn to breathe again.   A lot of time.   I'm not in any hurry.  He was THAT special.

another day

Another day for remembering.  Seems everyday is such a day, but today even more so. 

I drove Edd's big old Chevy Tahoe.  The one with over 200,000 miles on it.  I was on a quest for a writing table to purchase and thought if I drove the truck I could buy it if I found just the right one.  I didn't, but while I drove around I felt sort of closer to him.  That big old Tahoe seems almost indestructible... though I know nothing is ... It felt safe and clunky and kind of like he was taking care of me.... again.

I went to see the condo he used to live in.  That we lived and loved in.  Kind of where we had our beginning.  Just drove slowly past and looked.  And remembered.

I went to see the boat....where it sat parked in its parking place all covered up with its tarp.   Where he left it.  I touched it.  And remembered.  Happy times that just weren't enough.

The days come and they go.  They keep marching on.  I am taking time to grieve.  I am taking time to remember even though the pain is great and the tears come with ease.  They never seem to dry up.  I still struggle with it all.  

I'm still in the waves trying to come up for air.  I will.  But right now.... I am remembering.  And still trying to catch my breath.

a month ago

It's been a month.  Seems like yesterday.  Seems an eternity.  It's the longest period of time we've been apart from each other since the summer of 2003.  I miss his voice.  I miss his smile.  I miss a million things that made us so good together. 

I think of so many things during the day that I could write in this space.  Things about grief.  Things I am learning.  Things I am thinking about.  All the many things that have changed me.  But for now, I just want to take it all in.   I hope to get back to writing short little outtakes from my day.  I am still in awe of how much I was loved and how much I loved back.   How much I have lost. 

Treasures.  They aren't the things we put in banks or accumulate in our homes.  They aren't the cars we drive or the jewelry we wear.  But if you have love.... you have everything.  If you find someone who melts your heart and someone you gladly want to give your all to... and they feel the same.  If they don't only feel the same but their actions follow...  Now that is a treasure.

We were lucky.  We were blessed.  We had that.  Some people go their whole lives without finding it.  For that I'll always be grateful.  My love for him... is eternal.  And I still feel his love for me.