Thursday, January 28, 2010

Deep Darkness

The deep sadness I feel is overwhelming. It threatens to drown me. I try to come up for air but cannot reach the water’s surface. There is an endless river of tears.

Edd came home from work yesterday evening and I immediately knew there was something wrong. My mind didn’t want to hear what I anticipated. I knew he had a CT scan the previous day. Our greatest fear, cancer, reared its ugly head again. My husband had been through so much the last year and a half. How can he possibly face it again? So much progress had been made, so much pain had been endured. We really felt we were going to get another shot at a normal life. Our hope was destroyed.

Again we are free falling, without a safety net. No safety net in sight. The fear is all consuming. Cancer is unpredictable at best. Which is why people feel emotionally battered and broken beyond repair and yet still reach for a measure of … hope.

All I know is that I LOVE this man. He is perfect for me. He is my life and my lover and my deepest friend. I met him when I doubted love and its existence and whether it was possible to really connect to another human being. He is a precious gift to me. There are no adequate words to describe the meaning and joy and safety he brought to my heart. The way I’ve been able to curl up and feel comfort in his presence. To lose him would be to lose myself.

Edd said he is more afraid of what this news will do to ME than what it will do to him. He fears and feels my pain as I suffer for him. He cares for me more than he cares for himself. He loves me more than he loves his own life. I want to wrap my arms around him and somehow take all the pain away. Take away all the raw emotion and fear. I want to feel hope and joy and wake up from this horrible dream. But it’s not a dream. I have no idea how we will get through it. We have entered the darkness again. There is no light at this time. But we do have each other and this moment and the warmth of each others love. If that is all we have it will have to be enough.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


It was such a nice Christmas. It was warm and wonderful and loving and comfortable and safe. This year was safe... yes. How I pray it remains that way for as long as possible. God's hand is upon all of us whether we believe in Him or not.

Last year can definitely be described as unsteady and without any safety. Like walking on a tight rope without a net underneath.

I feel incredibly blessed... and loved... and safe. Thank you Edd for your steady teachable understanding love ....

Thank You Lord.