old photos

Don't you just love old pictures?  Not only are they fun to look at, but they bring back memories that sometimes would otherwise be lost.  Seeing details in a photo help us remember events and even how we were feeling at a given time.  

Realizing I love fireplaces and woodwork inside houses is no big surprise.  I grew up in a home with the warmth of both.  I remember this stone fireplace and the wood burning in it much of the time in the winter.  My bedroom was right around the corner from the living room, so I could even hear the crackling of the fire.   A vivid memory I have is one Christmas Eve.  I was nearing the age of unbelief in Santa Clause and I heard my mom rattle the screen in front of the fireplace that year while I was lying in bed.  I heard her say something to Santa as he left by way of the chimney and I just knew he had to be real that year!

In this picture I can see a manger and a musical Christmas tree on the mantle.  I am assuming we were just beginning to decorate because there were always many decorations especially around the fireplace. Mom was very artistic and creative.

The table on the left is a drop leaf that mom and dad refinished.   Mom wanted a round table at some point and dad cut off the four edges of the square to make it round!   The eagle mirror over the fireplace is now in my dad's house in Oregon.  It was one of my mom's favorite things.  The love seat also had an eagle pattern on it.

I remember the radio in the corner by the fireplace.  It would announce school closings in the winter when we got a bad storm and the buses wouldn't run.  Those were the best days of all for a kid!  I also remember hearing other news coming from that radio.  One memory I have is of hearing how many soldiers died on a given day in the war in Vietnam.  Seems every day the numbers were announced.

My memories of this house are ones of it being strong and sturdy.  The stone fireplace, and hardwood mantle are etched in my memory.  Heat emitted from the four metal grates in the stone and more than once I woke on Christmas morning with soft or melting chocolate in my stocking!!

Mom and Cocoa 1972

Moments in time.

same girl but different

I look at the picture…. this little girl with her beautiful brown eyes looking back at me …..  and I feel compassion and love.  I see the future in those eyes… and I know much of the story she will live.

She was born into a family with parents who were good people… she knew she was loved.   I can see from this picture that she had a mom who cared about little things like bows in little girls' hair and necklaces on school picture day.  Her hair didn't have a natural flip on the end, so her mom somehow gave it a curl before she got onto the school bus at noon time.

I remember hearing how we are more than our present age…. mine being 53.  We are an accumulation of all the ages we have ever been at the present moment in time.  I can still remember being five and I can still remember being 18.  The nice thing about being older is being able to hold that experience of living within you as well… and seeing the world differently than you did at an earlier age...

That little girl has some incredible joys ahead of her and some sorrows that will break her heart into tiny little pieces.  But right now she is growing strong and learning about the world as a five year old should.

The longer I live the more I think I wouldn't have changed a thing because each and every event brought me to the next step, the next life lesson and a new experience.  I'm still curious.  I'm still a seeker at heart and feel such gratitude for all I've been blessed with.

Today I was in a place where I listened to the stories of others … and in contrast to what they were going through in their lives I was keenly aware of the enormity of belonging and love I've experienced in mine.  Sure I've been a recipient of great loss, but we can't have enormous loss if we don't have a lot to lose can we?

Many people never have that much to lose.

I'm learning about courage and how it relates to vulnerability.  Not being afraid to truly be who we are and letting go of who we think we're supposed to be.

I've often been told that I come across as "authentic" and I consider that a great compliment.  Our society often tells us we're not good enough or acceptable enough just as we are.

So I guess if I could tell this little girl anything I'd say to enjoy today, because it's all we have.  Love fully those whose opinions matter to you.  Don't let the world squeeze your uniqueness into a mold that wasn't meant for you.  Don't be afraid to be who you really are and let others see it.   Don't be afraid to be authentically you. Vulnerability is risky but it's full of courage.   It hurts to have our hearts broken, but it shows we were willing to live life wholeheartedly and with full engagement.  I've heard it said that the dark doesn't destroy the light; it defines it.  It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.   Don't fear… we were meant to experience joy.



“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”   Brene Brown

this picture

circa 1975  New Jersey

This picture might just look like a house on a hill to some, but to me it is a lot more than that.  It speaks volumes.  It kind of haunts me, but in the best of ways.  Each window conjures up a memory of life under its roof and within its safe walls.

I see a kitchen window and my mom inside making this house a home.  This time of the year I'd look for the spritz cookie recipe that we'd use with Christmas cookie cutters.  There would be sprinkles and flour everywhere… and warmth.

I see the living room window panes where mom would tape her homemade snowflakes each year made with white tissue paper… the Christmas tree would be near by.  It wouldn't have the cool small twinkly lights on it that we have today.  The bulbs would be colorful, larger and hot … and I'd occasionally put tinsel on one of them to watch it melt.  The mantle would be decorated and a crackling fire would be lit underneath. 

I can still see every square foot of our property in my mind.  I walked it.  I explored it.  I climbed it.  I cartwheeled and sleigh rode across it.  I grew up in it.

I see my brother's bedroom window and remember the view looking out of it into the woods.  Though I can't see mine I know it's on the other side of the house where the driveway wound down to the dirt road below.

I'm reminded of a back door that for a time wasn't used because there was nothing to go out to.  The rock stairs had crumbled over the years and were replaced later by a nice deck.  But the in-between time  resulted in a door that stayed locked.  This speaks to me about my parents inability to get everything exactly when they wanted it.  They had to save for things.  They had to wait and didn't get into debt just to have stuff right away like too many do today.  They worked hard.  It didn't effect or hurt us one single bit to have to wait to have any material possession.   Even a back door.

I'm hoping future generations see that clearly.  In our pursuit of stuff I hope it doesn't get lost.  The news is full this time of the year of people shopping for the best deals and fighting over them.   Consumerism is running rampant.  I see many houses so full of stuff that they can't even park their car in the garage.  It's so full of stuff.  

New so quickly becomes old… and pushed aside.

My mom and dad made the wise decision before I was born to raise their family here.  Where there was space and fresh air… and a special freedom.  They really did live the American dream.

I don't know.  I like things same as the next person, but real life doesn't consist of more and more stuff.   The best things in life aren't things at all. 

I heard this quote today by Sandra Bullock… She said, 

"When people are like, 'Life is good,' I go, 'No, life is a series of disastrous moments, painful moments, unexpected moments, and things that will break your heart. And in between those moments, that's when you savor, savor, savor.'"

I kind of liked that.  At least the words struck a chord in me.  I try not to focus on the disastrous moments though, but on the savor, savor, savor…...

Richness consists in being able to look back and say how good all the memories were that were made… and all the lessons that were learned and lived…. Richness comes when we love one another through the tough times…. 

knowing that is where a lot of the "good stuff" comes from….

55 years

This week my parents celebrated their 55th anniversary. If that's not something to celebrate I don't know what is.  I talked to them on the phone. I found out where they were going to dinner and called the restaurant to give them a gift card.

Mom and Dad - February 9, 1957  (Aren't they both beautiful?)

Because I wished so much I could be there to celebrate with them.

I talked to them on the phone.  My mom is the sweetest person in the world.  My dad is such a card.  I told him, "wow, you've had it rough. You've had to live with mom for 55 years!"  He replied, "yeah, it's been easy for HER.  She just had ME to live with!" They both make me laugh.  Before we hung up Dad said he thinks they'll stay together for 56.  They are a gift.

I've forgiven myself (mostly) for my failings in that department.  My first marriage lasted 20 years but ended in sad defeat and pain.   It produced two beautiful daughters that I wouldn't trade for anything, but as I tried to grasp a secure place, one was inevitably taken away from them.  That's what I'm sorry about.   I felt a disconnectedness that tends to transfer down the line too.  We are desperate for connectedness.  We are desperate to matter.  I didn't feel like I did. 

I do wish I could have given them the gift my parents have given me. Their commitment to each other.  Their commitment to a life together. I know times were often hard. Life has struggles but they held together.  It is something of great value in a world that seems to walk away too quickly from promises.  

I now have a husband for whom I feel physical pain if I think I've hurt... and he for me.  It's a good combination.  For my daughters though....  I pray they will see the value of sticking it out, even when, especially when, times are less than easy.  And I hope they know I'll always be there for them to help them feel connected again... I wish them joy... always joy...and lots of love... oh, and abundant grace.

The Happy Couple 55 years ago

a look back in pictures

Today was a day for reminiscing.  It was bittersweet.  It was lovely.  It was sad.  It was happy.

Walking down Memory Lane....

I'm going through pictures.  Scanning.  Making albums. Enjoying the memories.

Family.  Marriage.  Children.  Love.  Life.

CHERISH EVERY DAY. 

Life is precious.  

Oh, there are hundreds of others but here are a few of the pictures that made me happy today.

Back in 2002... with my mom for Dad's 70th Birthday

Mom and Dad a few years ago

September of 2005

My sweetheart ... taken in Asia in 2007

On my birthday... special dinner out in August of 2007

Celebrating our engagement in the Spring of 2007.

Getting married in Las Vegas June 2007

Look how adorable!  Edd as a baby with his older sister Kathleen.  I love this so much!

Love seeing Edd's pictures of when he was a kid...and all the siblings.  Precious.

Love seeing these family pics... Edd is the oldest son.

This is the view I saw outside of my window in the house I grew up in.  I lived here for 21 years!   HOME!!

Another view of my childhood home.

Look at those beautiful young faces.  My mom and dad... so young and lovely.  They are still a good-looking couple.

Me with my daughters eight years ago in Oregon

One of my favorite pictures of Edd for my own personal reason I could never share.  This one gives me joy. Taken March of 2004.   Seven months after we met.