Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Living I love you

I love being able to express my thoughts, tell or teach little stories or life lessons, expound upon ideas and opinions about issues going on in the world. I love to delve into the deeper things life has to offer. I love to get under the surface, not just scratch the top layer.  But the truth is, I am mainly silent. I have lost my voice. Only time will tell whether I get it back. There is a closed-tight door between my heart and soul and this voice of mine right now. Some days I get glimpses of it again but mostly it fades away. The words are mainly stuck.  I have had to read others words for the time being and let them express how I feel because I can't seem to find my own.

My block comes in the form of a large wad of feelings and emotions that cause regular life to pale in the enormity of dealing with Edd's cancer. Watching him every day knowing things will not get better. I am a hopeful person. It goes against everything within me to think his health will not ultimately improve apart from a miracle from God.  It goes against the very way I live my life believing that things will get better and " this too shall pass."  But this won't. And yet saying it aloud makes me feel like I am giving up. And that too is contrary to my way of seeing problems and challenges and feels so …  wrong.

I ache as I see the man I fell so hard in love with. And I fell hard. I saw him so strong and large-and -in-charge in my world. He always made things better for me. I felt safe by his side. I felt loved and secure in his arms. I melted when his eyes met mine and he smiled at me and pulled me close. But I don’t always feel safe now and our dreams have been cut short. Our life together is not what we envisioned and I grieve it every day. The grief is unspoken but it is there. It touches me when I look over at him and see a man finding it hard to eat...yet trying to do all the right things.  A man taking chemo and medications that destroy his strength as sure as they strive to destroy the cancer cells. But he is stronger than ever in spirit. His courage. His inner resolve. His loyalty. His strength of character. His unselfishness.  It humbles me and brings me to my knees and breaks me. He still thinks of ME in the midst of it all.  Wanting to know, striving to make SURE, I will be okay no matter what.

With Edd I got to rest for a while.  After my divorce.  After a lot of upheaval, confusion and failure.  REST.  That’s how I felt when we were together.  I am so thankful for that period of rest.  Rest.  What a wonderful word.  I’ll never think of him without remembering that time of rest.

What if we didn’t have tears?  What if I couldn’t cry when my heart was breaking? What if I didn’t have that release of emotion?  God knew how important it would be.  For me.  For this moment in time.

Thank you God.

I don’t like to be the person in need.  I don’t like to be the one who doesn’t have the answers.
Maybe this is all too personal to write in my blog.  Maybe I should just keep all this to myself.  But it is me.  It is HUMAN.  It is what many before me and many after me will experience. 

Some may express their experience with words.  Some may stay silent.  I find silence to be a form of even greater suffering.  I may not shout all my feelings from the rooftop, but I can write some thoughts down and somehow that helps.  Somehow it lets the feelings out and sets me just a little bit free.  Maybe free enough to be creative and hopeful and strong for another day.

SAYING “I love you” isn’t as important as LIVING “I love you”.  I see “I love you” LIVED in front of me every day.  I want to live it too.






85 comments:

  1. Tears are streaming down my face right now. This was beautiful Mom... love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very touching post...
    Praying for you...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lifting you and Edd up in prayer! This was so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing and I hope that letting it all out helped you feel a little better. You are incredibly strong and you are handling this with impeccable grace and faith. May God bless you both and surround you with the comfort and peace that only He can give!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thinking about you Kathi. I'm praying for you and the family. Both you and Jenni's posts today were very touching. You are both amazing people.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am a complete stranger, who follows your daughter's blog. But, I have lost loved ones just this week to cancer and know your hurt. May God comfort you in the midst of your sorrow, may He strengthen you when you are weak and may He give you peace when your life is in upheaval. My prayers & thoughts are with you & your family as you grieve for what you already have lost and as you travel down this difficult road.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Kathi, I found you through your daughters blog. I think you are strong and brave for sharing this on your blog. My deepest thoughts and prayers go out to your family.

    I don't know if you have heard of the book "The Purpose Driven Life" but it has helped my family and myself through some very hard times. I would like to send you and Jenni one if you guys have not read it. The author has dealt with his wife having cancer.

    God Bless you, Ed and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I found your blog through your daughters and I am so happy that I did. This was absolutely beautiful and I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. There is no reason that you should keep this silent, because I agree silence can cause more suffering, suffering that the Lord doesn't want us to have. Stay strong and know that the Lord will be by your side the entire way, even though it may not feel like it! I will be praying for you and your family [James 5:13-18] -Ashlyn

    ReplyDelete
  8. Getting to the last few lines, I had tears in my eyes. What a gift that the Lord has poured love onto you through your husband. I'm praying for you through these tough times. I pray that God's grace and peace and comfort would fall on you tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  9. what a beautiful love story. I am praying for you in these difficult days ahead. God loves you in good and bad times. His love is never-ending.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I found your blog through your daughter's. There are no amount of words that I could write, and is no amount of word phrasing that could soothe the ache in your heart. This post of yours tugs at my heart strings and brings tears to my eyes. Your words in this post are captivating and beautiful. Your words of "SAYING “I love you” isn’t as important as LIVING “I love you”. I see “I love you” LIVED in front of me every day. I want to live it too." are so powerful.

    I am praying for your, for Edd, and your entire family through anything and everything you have ahead of you.

    -Kristina

    ReplyDelete
  11. I found you through Jenni's blog. I, too, have lost loved ones well before their time (not to cancer but to other diseases), but I cannot imagine losing my life partner - my other half. I'm so sorry your family has to go through this. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  12. i too, follow your daughters blog and although i am a stranger, i just wanted you to know i am thinking of you. i can't even begin to understand the pain you are going through. i wish i could take away the pain and make it all better. sometimes i just think life is so unfair. wishing you courage and strength during this difficult time.

    xo, jenn

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sending love your families way Kathi. How blessed you are to have found your true love and experience that rest...He will always be with you no matter what. Stay strong! You are loved.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This was such a beautiful post to read. I will be praying for you, Edd, and your entire family. There are so many incredible things you've said in this post.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Will be praying for you and for Edd. Prayer makes a difference. Hold onto Him.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Will be praying for you and for Edd. Prayer makes a difference. Hold onto Him.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Will be praying for you and for Edd. Prayer makes a difference. Hold onto Him.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I just spent some time with God lying on my bed... in silence.. waiting for Him to tell me something... and then I went to my computer... just now... and opened up my blog... and went to my dashboard... and saw Jenni's post... and it brought me here. And I feel that the energy of God brought me here... to you... to witness truth.. and love.... ultimate... beautiful.... LOVE. I read your words... and I could feel the power of love in them. I could FEEL it. And although I could never say that I know how you feel... I feel that my heart wants to reach out and just hug yours. And maybe that's God's own heart reaching out to yours? Through mine?... I don't know... but it feels like that... ( why would little me make a difference anyways??)... but maybe, just maybe it warms your soul to know that my soul welled up within me while reading your precious.... beautiful words. The longing for the Presence I just asked for... was answered through your words. I just wanted to feel the Presence. And it is here. You are so full of life and beauty. And I think that You don't have to be strong... in fact... i believe (contrary to some) that strength is in exactly what you offered to us just now... an open, broken, heart. Oh I pray for your heart. I will get on my knees right now. And I haven't done that in a long, long time.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You don't know me, but I know a lot about you from reading Jenni's blog. And, through her blog, I've found a friend I could have never had under other circumstances. And so I feel closer to you than I probably should, but that's neither here nor there. What I wanted to tell you is that you are a beautiful soul, and your love for Edd is so pure and true that it rings through to me just through words. You are so strong, so very strong. You have a stunning spirit, and I'll be keeping you and Edd in my thoughts. I don't pray a lot, but for this I will.

    Namaste.

    ReplyDelete
  20. My thoughts are with you and Edd.
    -Karen

    ReplyDelete
  21. Mrs. Kathi, your post was absolutely beautiful. Even though they were mere words, they touched my soul.

    I know we serve a merciful God, and I pray that he will show mercy on Edd and, though this is not our final home, that you and Jenni may keep him on Earth just a few days more. I pray that if it's God's will that the cancer be lifted from his body completely.

    Love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  22. tears are streaming down my face as i read your post ... it was written so beautifully and the emotions you are feeling shared so bravely.

    i am keeping Edd in my prayers and asking God for a miracle. i hope that you both get to Live, I love you for a very long time.

    God Bless.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi there. My name is Linh of La-La Linh and I follow Jenni's blog. I just commented on her page, but I also wanted to pass on this quote to you: "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1.

    Prayers work wonders and I have no doubt God has great plans for you and Edd.
    xoxo
    -Linh

    ReplyDelete
  24. What beautiful words! As a human I wish I could make things like this all better. It hurt my heart. But I will pray for Edd and for you to feel confort and to feel more of that REST.I love your closing words. Living love is the best thing we can do in my opinion. Hug and kisses.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Kathi,

    I too follow your daughters blog. I hear a lot of my mother in your post. She lost my dad when I was 4 and I can't imagine how she really felt and how she continued living life "normally" for me. Whenever I ask her, she always says "it's what your dad would have wanted" and I get a knot in my throat.

    The words you wrote were so touching and beautifully personal. I will keep you and Edd in my thoughts and prayers. Miracles have happened before and I pray one happens again.

    ReplyDelete
  26. You brought tears to my eyes. I don't know if you feel like you are, but I can tell that you are one very strong woman. You will be in my prayers. Thank you for your sweet words, they built me up today. Reminded me of how precious life is and yes we truly do need to live "I love you." You are amazing. God Bless You.

    ReplyDelete
  27. In the midst of such strategy there can be such amazing love down here on earth and from above! I hope God continues to cover you and your husband and you continue to live I love you! May you have the strength and courage you need to be there for Ed!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I follow your daughter's blog and could not resist in leaving you a comment on this beautiful, touching post. Although I don't know you, I do know that what you're going through and I know that is very hard and very real. I watched my mom lose my dad 3 years ago and although it seemed like the absolute most difficult time in all of our lives and we felt like our entire world had crushed us, you just have to understand that God has a plan. For you, for Edd and for y'all's families. Keep your love strong and your faith stronger. Lean on your loved ones when you need them-afterall, that's what family is all about. You and Edd are definitely in my heart and my prayers. Stay strong and always, always, always remember...everything happens for a reason.

    ReplyDelete
  29. God's blessings on you and your family. You are in my prayers. Stay strong in your faith and know God is with you through everything! Living love is what we all need to do more of...thank you for your honest post.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Dear Kathi,I know the silence you speak of..I too was silenced. I believe today that it was Gods way of slowing me down and allowing me to absorb all that was happening in our lives during Bob's cancer. To take in every moment w/him every detail, every glance, every word spoken, every touch, every laugh..and I cherish those today. Sit in the quite Kathi and record in your heart everything that's happening with you and Edd today. I feel your pain and heartache and my dear I shed tears with you.My heart and prayers are with you both...Joan

    ReplyDelete
  31. Living I love you....wow. I read this earlier today and I had to let it sink in for a little while. For someone who has lost their voice, I hear such tenderness, strength and beauty in how you expressed all that you are holding right now. I smile as I think of the man that Edd is and what he has been for you. And I feel deep sorrow for all that you both are enduring with this horrific cancer and the impact it's had on your lives.

    I love your honesty and realness. It makes you feel inviting and warm and lovely. Praying for miracles, for strength and for more of LIVING I love you's to be seen each and every day.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Such a touching post. "Living I love you", that will stick with me forever. My heart goes out but more importantly my prayers go up for you. One thing that I believe wholeheartedly is that God is ever present in our lives. He will guide, protect and see you through this time.

    Many blessings to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  33. This breaks my heart and encourages me at the same time. Words cannot express what I feel is pouring from my heart right now that I wish I could convey. My grandpa had colon cancer, and my mom has a higher chance of getting it, too, because it was her dad. I randomly find myself sobbing at the thought and fear of her getting it too. I only know the tiniest bit of the hurt you and your family are feeling, but I am praying for you, Edd, and Jenni. And I am praying for tremendous love, courage, blessings, and healing to be heaped upon you all! Thank you for being so honest.

    ReplyDelete
  34. This is an absolutely beautiful, touching post. Praying for Edd and all of your family. xo

    ReplyDelete
  35. I don't know you but I read your daughter's blog. Reading this post made me cry. I feel for you so much and the love you have for your husband is so touching. My thoughts and prayers obviously go out to him, but also to you. I can't even imagine what you both must be going through. Your strength and your faith is inspiring.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Kathi, your family and Edd have remained in my prayers, and I continue to pray for you to accept God's plan. I am so, so sorry for your suffering right now, but always remember that this earthly life is only a prelude to the best, which is yet to come.

    I recently read that sometimes God says no to an earthly request so he can say yes to a heavenly one. Edd will find healing. God hears our prayers. I hope that you find peace in that assurance.

    God bless you and your whole family!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Kathi, I will be praying for you, Edd & your entire family as you walk this path the Lord has set before you. Sometimes we don't understand, and many of those times we'll never understand until we're standing before our Father in heaven.

    In the mean time, we are called to trust the One who holds our life in His hands, in His ever so gentle hands, and believe that His plan is always best even when it doesn't feel like the best. It is, it always is. He will never forsake us, and He is always on His throne. There is nothing going on that isn't under His watchful eye. Allow Him to comfort you through this hard time, and He will be right by your side. I know that all too well.

    Praying for you all.

    ReplyDelete
  38. What a beautiful post. I think that your idea of LIVING I love you is a lesson that we all need to learn. You can see your love for Edd right on the screen in your words. I will be praying for you and for your family.

    ~Tiffany
    http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hi Jenni's Mom :) I don't even know how to accurately express my sincere thoughts about what you are having to endure and fight through right now. This post is beautiful and so inspiring. This hits so close to home for me, as my sister-in-law has been battling brain cancer. I've seen the effects the whole process can have on loved ones. The one thing I've learned from it all is to just have faith and know God is Good. You said it beautifully when you said, LIVE IN LOVE. You are so right. Thank you for sharing this, and please know you are ALL in my thoughts and prayers. My sister-in-law has a blog, www.christiming.wordpress.com and has been an inspiration to us all. If you ever have time, please take a look. She has the most positive outlook on life, and she would be more than happy to talk to you.

    Sending all my blessings, prayers, warm hugs, and deepest thoughts to you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy. Amen. ....praying for you and your sweet husband.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh Kathi, this post is so powerful it make us feel all emotional. Living 'i love you' is a great message, even during this painful moment in your life you have great insights to share.

    Thank you for sharig your feelings instead of keeping it bottled inside, talking and writing is only therapeutic.

    I hope you get some comfort from our comments. But most importantly, I hope you and Edd find comfort in the Almighty, because He always listens to our prayers when we open hearts to Him. Keep the hope high.

    A big hug from TOI!

    ReplyDelete
  42. This is such a beautiful post. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Love and blessings to you. x

    ReplyDelete
  43. I follow Jenni's blog and came over here from her link to your post.

    I don't know you and I can't say that I can empathize with your struggles, but I was so moved by this post. I had tears streaming down my face just from reading your words. It hurts to see anyone we love in pain, hurting, suffering.

    I am praying for you and Edd. I am praying for a miracle. That his body is healed completely.

    Even in the darkest hours, we are not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I follow your daughter's blog and just wanted to let you know that you, Edd, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your post is so beautiful and has inspired all of us reading this now to go and start living "I love you." May this be a time for you to embrace, reflect, and feel.

    ReplyDelete
  45. living i love you...... that is so powerful. my mom battled with cancer for 13 years before we lost her....i relate all too well the emotions you speak of....

    you and edd and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers. and while i don't know you - i send you hugs. i have found often that can be better than words.....

    ReplyDelete
  46. I will be praying for Edd, you and Jenni.
    What an incredible man Edd is! I'm truly touched by your story of living i love you. Thank you so much for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Your words are truely inspiring. I can only imagine what you are going through. I will be praying for Edd, You and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Keeping you, Edd & the family in prayer. =)

    ReplyDelete
  49. Here from Jenni's blog to say that I'm praying for you guys. You are so strong and inspiring.

    ReplyDelete
  50. thank you so much for sharing! Praying for you

    ReplyDelete
  51. Tears are streaming down my face. The pain if feel for you is so strong. When my stepfather was battling cancer one of the most amazing things was when he was in so much pain how he still was taking care of my mom. helping her through it. People strength amazes me. I do not have the faith you all have. I am so happy for you that you have faith but it does not make it better. The saddest thing for me was until my stepfather got sick he had no idea how much I loved him. I hate that he didn't know until the end. That is one thing Ihave learned let people know, show people that you love them. I hate to hear people go thru such pain. Just know you and your family are in my thoughts. Stay strong for eachother you will need it. My wish for you all is that EDD can be feel rested and as painfree as possible. I am sorry for your heart ache and thank you for sharing.
    Tamera

    ReplyDelete
  52. I found your blog through your daughters and although I do not know you personally I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and your family. I will be praying and thinking of you during this hard time.

    ReplyDelete
  53. this post is so touching and so important to share. Thank you for having your voice on this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I read Jenni's blog everyday and I am saddened by Edd's struggle. I know how hard it is to watch your loved ones decline in health and slip away. I know how easy it is to be angry with God. Here is a verse that comforts me:
    So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
    2 Corinthians 4:15-17
    You're in my thoughts and prayers! Thanks for sharing these beautiful and heartbreaking words.

    ReplyDelete
  55. This feeling that you write about is one that I think we all have felt while watching someone we love change by the hands of such an awful thing: Cancer. I saw this same thing with my Nana. A woman who was so vibrant turned into nearly an infant within just a few months. It's one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I've ever had to deal with. It never makes sense & the more sense we try to make of it, the less we find. All we can do is hold on to our God and believe that it's all in his plan even when we can't see it. I'll be thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I can't begin to imagine what you are feeling right now but thank everything good we have a God who does and aches to see you ache. He is not a God that brings sorrow, but rather one that promises to walk with us and hold us up in sorrow. You will never be alone. Edd is so fortunate to have a woman who cares for him like you.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Hi Ms. Kathi! I am a follower of Jenni's blog, and my heart is just broken for your family. Y'all have been in my prayers for awhile now and will continue to be.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Your post is so touching and clearly has touched so many people. I will continue to pray for your family during this time. I pray God provides comfort and strength to all of you. You and your daughter seem to be truly amazing women!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hi Jenni's mom!

    Your post is so touching, honest and real. I'm sure its not easy to share everything you are feeling but this post is so beautiful, it brought me to tears.

    Praying for you and Edd.

    ReplyDelete
  60. i am so sorry about what you are going through, i realize there isnt' much we can say to make your heart heal; but my mother died 17 years ago (i'm 30) and even though it was the worst thing i could have imagined, i look back and see how god had orchestrated all things, working them all together to put me where he wanted me. i miss her like crazy and wish more than anything she could have seen my children, but i know she loved me. just like your husband knows you love him. and, there isn't anything more precious than that. good luck to you kathi, it looks like you've got a lot of folks praying for you--me included!

    ReplyDelete
  61. No wonder why Jenni is so beautiful. Just reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes. Cancer is such an ugly thing.
    But I am praying for you that you keep your hope and faith and that Edd continues to fight with all he has. And that you and Edd will continue to find peace, love, and rest in the midst of what is happening.

    ReplyDelete
  62. There are so many things that come to mind as I read your words...understanding, empathy, acknowledgment, but most of all how well he takes care of you even still. Isn't it amazing how our loved ones always seem to extend more grace than we deserve? Edd sounds like an amazing man and I am so very glad you have had him in your life, I will be praying for him and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  63. i, too, am a stranger. a follower of your beautiful daughter's blog. please know that God knows you by name and has your best interest at heart. He will be with you and will carry you when you can’t find the strength to stand on your own...just wanted you to know that during this difficult time you are loved, prayed for, and never, ever alone.

    i lost my mother-in-law to cancer a year ago in april. it's a terrible disease and so, so hard to watch someone fight.

    ReplyDelete
  64. This was beautiful. An amazing expression of true emotion. Writing and getting things out is the best way to deal with them! I found you through your daughter's blog, so I know you have her support. Cancer is a fight for everyone involved, I lost my aunt to it a few months ago. Its good that you can hold on to the good feelings, keep those, they are what will keep you going through the hard times. I send my hopes and prayers to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  65. I found your blog, through your daughter's blog. I am so sorry. I will def be praying for you & your family!!

    ReplyDelete
  66. You, Edd, Jenni and your families are in my prayers--for whatever it is you need in this moment right now. Edd and Jenni are both very lucky to have you in their lives--someone so full of love.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Like many, I came to your blog from your daughter's blog. I already feel like I kinda know you, from her blog. You both have such a beautiful passion for writing, and life it seems, and your words are so touching. You put so much into your writing and your choice of words is perfect. So many times I am searching for the right words, and yours are simply perfect. I am so very sorry for what you are currently going through in life, it is the worst possible thing to have to worry about losing the love of your life. You are being strong through it, and please don't ever be afraid to express your feelings. Your words are touching others, touching me, more than you know. Sometimes it takes a stranger's words to spark something in us. You've done that today for me. I ask that God grant you a miracle so that you and your Edd can keep Living Love for alot longer. And I love your quote about Living Love. That just may be my facebook quote for today. I am now following your blog and will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Hi, I read your daughters blog and connected to what you have expressed today. I will keep Edd and you in my thoughts and prayers. Love.

    ReplyDelete
  69. This is such a beautiful message during such a time of despair. I found your blog via your daughter's blog and I'm glad I did. I have experienced profound loss in my life and the idea of truly LIVING the I love you is very powerful. I hope to take that truly to heart as it's easy to forget. My prayers are with your husband and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  70. For everything there is a season. Take peace in the fact that God sees every season, even when you don't.

    www.livelylittlemiss.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  71. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

    Your last lines are my quote of the day tomorrow on my blog: http://hilltopstar.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  72. Hi Jenni's Mom.

    I wanted to tell you how touching your post was. I have been there first hand. Taking care of both of my grandparents while they were very ill. I know how hard and stressful it is and how confusing it can be. One minute your sad, the next, mad, the next, you're hopeful again... I am here to tell you that God has a plan - and you may not know what it is right now, but I promise, things DO happen for a reason and God will not put you in a situation you aren't strong enough to handle.

    I know it's rough but you seem to have an amazing support system in your family and now your new followers from Jenni's blog. Just know you and Edd have many prayers being sent up for you.

    -Laura

    ReplyDelete
  73. Your post has truly touched my heart and made me cry. I know far too well the feeling of having that person you love and wish to help and protect, touched by cancer. My fiance battled cancer and I feel as though the worst thing about cancer is dreading the moment it comes back. Living, praying and hoping for as much time as possible before living the roller coaster again....
    Your words are truly beautiful and I believe you should definitely write about your feelings and use your blog as an outlet if you can. My fiance wished to deal very privately with cancer so I was unable to deal with it publicly, which made it hard.
    I have your family in my prayers since I spoke about this in an email a while back with Jenni, and I will keep on praying for you.
    You are not alone.

    Chiara

    ReplyDelete
  74. Your post is so heart-felt, sad and beautiful. I don't know you, but I feel for you and your family with all of my heart. I will be thinking of you all. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  75. Kathi, I came across your blog through your daughter's blog. Your last post is so touching. I will keep Edd and you in my prayers. A college friend of mine (young woman diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer) once wrote this:
    "Your life is happening right now and this is the only moment you can control. This is the only minute that really matters. If you are constantly dwelling on something that happened in the past or feeling anxious about the future, you are missing out on YOUR LIFE. Do what makes you happy in this moment and your life will be full" Jill C. (1987-2010)

    I hope Jill's words can be of some help to you, during this difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
  76. I, too, found this blog post because of your daughter. What a beautiful blog.

    I recently watched a documentary called "Food Matters" which is all based on how we're basically starving our bodies of what it needs. It suggests that having an organic, raw diet is a potential way to fix damage done by the modern diet. The studies suggest that they can help with cancers, I am not sure how tested this is, and I'm not sure if you are aware of this research, but if I had cancer or someone in my family did, I would strongly suggest they watch that documentary and try it out.

    All the best for you and your partner. I send my love x

    ReplyDelete
  77. I regularly read Jenni's blog, which lead me here. After reading your beautiful thoughts and words, I cannot help but cry. You may not feel strong right now, but you have just given so much to every single person who has read this. Love is such a powerful emotion, and it's so touching to read about two people who are Living I Love You. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts. I'm praying for you and your family. May you find peace in this sad time.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I just came over from your daughter's blog and I have to say...I am incredibly moved by your words and your love for each other and life.

    Thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult experience. We all can learn from it. Living through it and writing about it does make you stronger.

    Love is powerful and it can make miracles happen.
    Rambles with Reese

    ReplyDelete
  79. so touching. i couldn't imagine being in your position. i'll pray for strength for you, to be able to love your husband more than you've ever loved him and make sure he knows it every second. and for peace for both of you, both knowing your time is limited, but hoping it will all turn out okay in the end. it will. god will give you peace no matter what the ending to this story is. god loves you and wants you to be okay even more than edd does.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Stopping by via your daughter's page. First off, I have much respect and admiration for you. Watching someone you love go through something so terrible and knowing that there really isn't anything you can do but love them and be there for them is heart wrenching. I was just 22 when my best friend was diagnosed with Brain cancer, she was 23 when she was diagnosed. I spent every free moment I had with her, just living life. Doing things we love, because we both knew what the inevitable would be. She passed away three years ago last March. This post brought tears to my eyes. Your words ring true, especially your last paragraph. My prayers are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  81. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  82. I am also stopping by via your daughters blog - I will be praying!!
    www.thefailtehouse.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  83. hello Kathi,

    i'm visiting from Jenni's space and have followed her journey for a little while, seeing the things she's shared about her family, you & Edd. it's always been extremely touching and profound for me since i lost my Dad several years ago to cancer and my Mom has battled this disease too, she has survived it!

    Reading your truly transparent share today brings tears to my eyes. my Mom shut a lot of her emotions off before too, it was hard as a family to see her fade that way. i understand the necessity though, a soul can be strong and put up with extreme amounts of stress but there also has to be some type of unplugging to help cope. your voice is still there, i know it is. when you are only just treading water it makes it almost impossible to see the horizon but you will, you will.

    i am very sorry you and Edd are having to go through this and i've prayed for you and will continue to do so. living the "i love you"'s every day is finding your serenity within the chaos. many blessings to you both. ♥

    ReplyDelete