Friday, September 27, 2013

moving forward and trusting ....

I just love evenings like this.  One that I can pour a glass of wine, have a little Brie.... and crackers... enjoy a pesto and tomato pizza and just relax and think and reflect... Count my many blessings.... see clearly God working in my life....

....I've begun trusting myself again.  And it feels right... and good.  While in a vulnerable place I began questioning myself too much and what I had to offer.  And you know what?  After much soul searching I'm coming out of it.  I'm realizing I have much experience and much to share of value.   I don't need to hold back when the circumstance warrants.   Adversity will do that to a person.   Make them question.  Doubt.  But it's designed to eventually make us stronger.  With more resilience, courage and strength ...  and more to give.

It is doing that.

God uses adversity for our good.  If we are willing and open....

Times of questioning in our lives have their place.  I welcome it.  But I'm feeling stronger now.  God brought me into, stayed with me, walked with me through... and brought me out of.... is STILL bringing me out of.... tough times .... for a reason.  Once again I am seeing that His divine plan involves nothing, NOTHING, being wasted.  It's used for our good.... for a purpose.... whether you believe in Him or not... He is....

... for you too.

I'm trusting.



At peace.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

this last year....

Life gets busy... and I'm always learning something new.  About myself.  Others.  And about life in general.  One thing that's nice about having a blog, or writing, is that you can look back and remember things that might otherwise be lost. 

It's been a year since I wrote this.... and this....

Today I discovered it's been exactly one year since I bought my bike.  I've been riding quite a bit and find it's one of the best things I did for myself this last year.  I wish I knew just how many miles I've put on it.  It would be fun to know. 

This last year I discovered what it's like to feel as though you are on a downward spiral that you can't stop.   I found out some important things about myself and I couldn't help thinking about other people like me who are struggling too and may not understand what is happening to them.  Time reveals such valuable insights if we continue to be open.

I've had many an insight these last months.

My doctor prescribed some medication for me for stress and anxiety because I asked her for it.  A while back.  I needed something.  I think it may have even helped some in the beginning but some of these medications can be a slippery slope once you start taking them and can really mess with your head.  I've learned I am better off striving to eat healthy, get plenty of rest and exercise, cultivate friendships... and keep seeking God... trusting Him to the bigger things in life that I just can't understand...   

It's been a busy couple of months for doctor's appointments.  Today was the yearly A Woman's Place exam and I'm happy that's over.  The good news is I am ten pounds less than I was this time last year, but 1/4 of an inch shorter!

That hardly seems fair to me!

I talked to a friend recently who described how she felt when she lost her mom and dad.  She said she felt like a little boat drifting in the middle of a vast ocean... Just not quite knowing where she was or where she was going.  Feeling lost.

I could relate.

And I'm learning...

"If you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders."
- Andrew Harvey

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." 
- Alice Walker

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us" - Sascha

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

thoughts about stress

Stress.  Yeah, I've had it.  I took care of my husband with cancer for almost four years only to watch him lose his life to the horrid disease.   I watched my mom take her last breath exactly one year later.  The two rocks in my life.... gone....  My oldest daughter struggles with addictions that I can't fix.   Some decided I wasn't good enough for them and rejected me for following my husband's wishes.   Faith?  I've struggled with that too.  What gave me peace for the last three decades is just not giving me the answers I need right now. 

But I have hope.  Because I am not going to give up the search.  I am getting there and will be all the stronger because of it.  Because of all of it.   Learning lessons that only adversity can teach.... I know God knows all and I have no regrets or guilt... so that gives me courage and hope... I lean on my friends and my family. ....  but I'm only human with limitations so I strive to gain the strength I need.

We all do. 

Funny (well, not really.)  So many of us today struggle with stress in our lives.  It's a tough world.  According to the American Psychological Association (APA) 77% of people regularly experience physical symptoms caused by stress.  That's a lot of folks! 

Today, while at a doctor's appointment, I talked to the nurse who administered a quick EKG of my heart.  As I told her the stresses in my life, she responded with understanding and began to tell me of the stresses in HER life.  I then became the compassionate listener as I heard of her losing a child six years ago.  She said she will sometimes turn on the news and hear of all the horrible things going on and feel a bit overwhelmed with it all..... 

Yup... We are all not that much different if we are honest with one another.  One man in the waiting room spoke to me a couple of times, almost yelling across the room at me stating.... "How's your blood pressure?"  and "Are you filling out all those forms?"   When I lifted my head to look at him, smiling, he then said that it gave him too much stress to answer all those questions!!   I told him I understood.  Honestly, there were about 8 pages of paperwork to fill out for this doctor's appointment.  Possibly a bit overwhelming for an 80-year-old man who came to his appointment holding a blood pressure monitor in his hands..... I wanted to give him a hug..... I see people differently than I used to....

Sometimes all we need is to have something tweaked health wise... some good advice.   And sometimes we just need someone to tell us we are okay and then somehow we are... and our symptoms vanish in time.  Of course sometimes it's serious and by being proactive we stop a catastrophe from occurring.

But most of the time the stresses in life pass and we deal with them and move forward as best we can.