Friday, September 21, 2012


Sitting outside on the back patio with a glass of Pinot Noir. It's a warm evening but not burning hot like the mid-summer nights were.  It is the end of the season and there is a definite change in the air. A month ago I wouldn't enjoy this. Tonight it brings delight. I feel cooler undertones.

I sit here with a little dog resting at my feet. Loyal. Sweet. Pandora radio is playing some hauntingly beautiful piano music, and as it stirs my soul I think about how life moves along with the ebbs and flows designed to expand our soul and its capacity to feel pain and empathy, joy and love. I feel carried along by some unseen Force I have little control over.

I am growing in my understanding and have discovered there is no end to what we can learn about ourselves in this life if we have the desire and will, interest and curiosity. Equally there are things we just cannot know. I am growing in the ability to be true to myself. Kind... but still faithful in making choices based on what I know.

Sometimes I wish I could fashion the very life that I think would be ideal. But then I also find a strange peace in knowing I am not in control of everything.  I am learning to do my best and leave the results to that Force that seems to have its way no matter what I do sometimes. It will have to be okay.

So I will curl up with this sense of Presence and Care and relish it. Wait and be still and act and move when it's time to do so....

Tomorrow is the first official day of autumn.

I lost him in the springtime. I carry him with me every day. It is real and powerful. That will never change. I am learning I won't get over this loss but will absorb it into my life. The sorrow takes up permanent residence in my soul ... and enlarges it. It becomes who I am. The loss is a painful part of a (hopefully) healthy whole.


  1. Kathi, you always write such beautiful words. I would definitely buy a book of these if you wrote one! Your posts are inspiring and sweet and poignant...just the right blend. Maybe that's something the Force will steer you to.

  2. I have to agree - your words are very inspirational and they are beautifully recorded. Your thoughts and feelings are almost tangible.
    We have started to feel that first little undercurrent of a chill in the past few evenings. I'm excited for autumn weather. If you love piano music, add Ludovico Einaudi to your Pandora station. It's a very odd name for the most ethereally beautiful piano compositions you have ever heard. I've bought almost all of his music and have it on my i-Tunes.

  3. I felt as if I was sitting with you enjoying the feel of fall coming. You have a gift for writing and making your feelings real. Thank you for shareing your feelings and your quiet moment.

  4. Beautiful. Edd will always be with you. Praying for you friend.

  5. Omg... this is the most beautiful think you've ever written, I think. Wow.