Tuesday, May 1, 2012

always with me

Lessons are sometimes too quickly lost.  Forgotten.  How these last days, months... years... have changed me is worth keeping close and somehow putting into words. 

Sometimes I concentrate too much on what I don't know and too little on what I do.

I've learned.  I've grown.  I'm changed.  I'm a better person for what I've gone through.  For what I've gone through with him.  His strength has given me courage as I make decisions.  His commitment to us, to me and my good, has humbled me.  His selflessness has inspired me and given me compassion I didn't know I had.  His foresight and ability to look ahead to potential problems and think through issues made an impact on me.  I find myself emulating him.  Being more like him in ways that make me a better person.  He has become a part of me.   

People who say he is always with me sometimes perplex and annoy me, because he isn't with me.  I want his touch and his smile and his warm body to embrace.  But I do sense his spirit.   The very soul that gave me so much love and kindness.

My days have been busy.  It's best that way.  I do work every day and have a lot to get done.  I remember Edd's custom of doing a little (or a lot) every day and that amounted to actually accomplishing things in time.  I will do the same.

But I want to make room for some fun too.  Today I fixed up a cozy spot in my living room and placed a new desk and chair in a corner so I'd have a place to plunk my portable laptop.  It's a nice place to enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while I do some work, reading or research.

One day at a time.  That's about all I can do right now.  My throat often gets tight and tears are ready to spill in an instant.  How quickly they come.  My heart is completely full of him.  It will take time to learn to breathe again.   A lot of time.   I'm not in any hurry.  He was THAT special.


  1. Good job Kathi,

    Very classy, just like you.

  2. What a lovely area to write, work, contemplate. You have a real decorating talent.
    You are never far from my thoughts...I do remember being frustrated when people would tell me that about my parents...they were always with me. Not. I still have that empty hole in my heart where my heartache and sadness resides. It's just not as gaping and jagged and sore as it once was.
    I pray for your heartache to mend in 'your' time.
    Much love and hugs...

  3. The right approach one day at a time ...

  4. I've noticed that there are a lot of "lines" that people say, because they don't know what else to say. It can be frustrating to hear these less than helpful things over and over again, but I do understand that people just want to help but don't know how.

    I love your new office area Mom. :)

  5. Kathi, I love that you are brave enough to keep writing about and sharing your journey with us. I understand about things people say in an effort to make you feel better, it is frustrating and doesn't really help, but does let you know they see you are hurting and want to help. That is a lovely place for writing and such a kind thing to do for yourself. ((hugs))

  6. Your new corner with the desk and chair are lovely. A perfect place to work and reflect. Keep putting one foot in front of the other - you're doing well.