Lessons are sometimes too quickly lost. Forgotten. How these last days, months... years... have changed me is worth keeping close and somehow putting into words.
Sometimes I concentrate too much on what I don't know and too little on what I do.
I've learned. I've grown. I'm changed. I'm a better person for what I've gone through. For what I've gone through with him. His strength has given me courage as I make decisions. His commitment to us, to me and my good, has humbled me. His selflessness has inspired me and given me compassion I didn't know I had. His foresight and ability to look ahead to potential problems and think through issues made an impact on me. I find myself emulating him. Being more like him in ways that make me a better person. He has become a part of me.
People who say he is always with me sometimes perplex and annoy me, because he isn't with me. I want his touch and his smile and his warm body to embrace. But I do sense his spirit. The very soul that gave me so much love and kindness.
My days have been busy. It's best that way. I do work every day and have a lot to get done. I remember Edd's custom of doing a little (or a lot) every day and that amounted to actually accomplishing things in time. I will do the same.
But I want to make room for some fun too. Today I fixed up a cozy spot in my living room and placed a new desk and chair in a corner so I'd have a place to plunk my portable laptop. It's a nice place to enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while I do some work, reading or research.
One day at a time. That's about all I can do right now. My throat often gets tight and tears are ready to spill in an instant. How quickly they come. My heart is completely full of him. It will take time to learn to breathe again. A lot of time. I'm not in any hurry. He was THAT special.