I've always loved the quietness of the morning .... or the settled, reflective feeling of late evening. The bulky part of the day is just to noisy for me to be able to think very clearly on any one topic. Fleeting thoughts are all just jumbled together in a messy array. As I lay awake in bed this morning I felt clarity. Sometimes I get up and begin the day and that clarity disappears like a dream. Sad to say.
I looked back this morning at something I said last night that was insensitive and was surprised when the tears came. In a torrent. They just kept coming as I thought how I never want to hurt with my words but only build up those that I love and try to make this critical, cruel, and un-accepting world just a little more nice. A little more gentle. To hold close those I love and be a cushion for them from a world that can sting.
I wonder how many times I may have wounded someone else by my words and didn't recognize it. I can be blunt and hurtful. More so in the past, but even now sometimes. I know I have improved but still, gentleness isn't always something that comes naturally to me.
My days are full. I am not sad all the time but my writings can reflect that since I usually write when I FEEL. Many people who know me personally would think I'm mostly happy actually. I can talk to someone on the phone who asks how I am and how Edd is and they hang up thinking we're doing fine and in many ways we are... but I also I have this huge ache inside. Life has changed. It's always being rearranged. When I think I can handle the story line, the script changes again.
It reminds me to be careful. To be more mindful. To remember others hurt too... in their own ways. And I want to find the joy together.
Funny... this was the quote of the day on my blog for today....
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else ~ Charles Dickens
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"I usually write when I FEEL."
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you continue to do so friend. I hear the changing, the rearranging, the inconsistency of life for you. And one of your last lines you said, "And I want to find the joy together."
I love that you still seek joy. That both convicts and encourages my heart.
I love that you write when you are feeling.
Ah, my writing friend, writing from feeling generally brings out the most honest words. I know I've also been guilty of hurting with words when I didn't mean to. Sometimes the mouth says what the brain thinks without allowing the filter to have a chance to do its job. Forgive yourself, in stressful times our human-ness is most apparent. Don't be hard on yourself, and by the way, those tears are a necessary part of relieving stress.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel like crying, do that! It is not bad at all! Sending you some pounds of strenght :)
ReplyDeleteI am like you. I try to be sensitive and kind, but it's amazing how quickly that can change when I get "in a mood" and I can feel totally justified in saying something kind of mean. Once it's out of my mouth, I always, always feel terrible. It's not worth that 1 second of justification I feel. So I try to remember that. I think I'm improving. I hope so. For what it's worth, I admire how much you think about others when you're having a tough time yourself. Another thing we need to do sometimes is give ourselves a break. Sending you {{HUGS}}}
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