The soul searching is intense. On the one hand we have this hope that maybe we'll hear the words "it was a mistake and there's nothing to worry about", and then again we worry we will hear the worst possible news which would be that there is no hope for a cure. The two extremes bounce around in your head and I wish I could just fast forward to the meeting with the oncologist after he has the scan results and he's thought through the treatment plan. Our life is no longer in our control (if it ever was) and we are totally at the mercy of cancer and how its treatment will alter our lives. For me it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other and go through the day but I do.... I think of Edd going to work and just doing what he always does. He is definitely a soldier as well as any other who marches through the day being faithful and loyal and moving forward in spite of the pressure to fall apart, which is what I want to do.
All I thought I knew about God is tested. Edd and I talked this morning about God and why he doesn't heal, about prayer, about asking Him to help, whether He is involved, whether He cares, if we matter at all to Him. I used to be so sure, I used to have the answers to hypothetical situations, but now it's me and my precious husband and I am not seeing God's intervention, I don't feel He cares, and I don't know anything it seems. I know I've prayed for some things and He has graciously protected and saved and then I've prayed for things and the answer was "no". Are all these just random? Is it like playing roulette and spinning the wheel? Do I beg and plead for Edd's healing or do I just ask once and then seek peace with His answer? I feel so tired and weary from this journey and I know Edd must feel even more so. He is most concerned about me. I am married to an amazing man who loves me deeply.
I feel it's okay to get angry with God. He can take it. Why pretend I am not angry or hurt or worried. He knows anyway. I don't care what we have to go through. I just desire the news that there is HOPE for a cure. I'm slowly realizing that the old life that I keep wishing we could go back to simply doesn't exist. We cannot hurry up and get through with all this so that we can get back to it again.