mom's diary ... and things forever in our heart

Among my mom's things I found a little diary. It was called "Peter Rabbit's Diary". She liked it enough to actually write in it a few times... back in 1995. Over 20 years ago. 

She loved Beatrix Potter. Her first entry was on her birthday. January 13. She said Mary Jane had a small dinner party for her and they had a wonderful time and they gave her very nice presents. Then she wrote about helping with the Little Whale Cove publication and that all the comments regarding the newsletter were positive... then her San Francisco trip in February..... No details.. just that it was "great fun". She said they received three inches of snow on February 13 and it looked so beautiful and white and clean. All was snow covered when they got up that morning.

And that was all.

She didn't write in it much but I bet she wanted to and then life got busy... or she left her little diary out of site and "out of site, out of mind" took over ... or she just started it all on a whim and never really intended to be a serious writer. But I look at it now and see her handwriting and I smile and feel close to her. She didn't write anything profound or poignant or deeply moving. She was just herself ... sharing what was happening in her life on a few select days. 

And that's what I'd like to do. 

Sometimes I write to get out my feelings and emotions and thoughts. I write in order to process my little place in the world and what is going on in my life. Sort things out. But I can write small snippets of my day too. I don't have to always have something profound to say. None of us do all the time. We just live life.

I also have a little diary I began last year... one year ago. I wrote one short entry. I think I'll pick it up again and ... in memory of mom... write a bit each day. I'll try anyway.

I miss you mom. So very much. I'm so glad you are forever in my heart and a part of me....

nostalgia and belonging

It's a different kind of Christmas. Maybe I say that every year... or at least I have been saying it the last few years. Someone recently said to me that "the joy and sadness of life seem so intertwined at this phase of life" and I agree.

Christmas is something I seem to settle into every year. Sort of the way a dog gets comfortable in his bed, going round and round, sometimes giving his bedding a little dig with his paws... a tweak here and there... and then easing into it.... moving around till it feels just right. Kind of working through the wrinkles and kinks in the fabric and finally finding the warmth....

This year was no exception.

Nostalgia. That is a big word. Only three syllables, but a word with a lot of meaning. If we're not careful it can ruin our holiday as we think nothing is the same anymore nor will it ever be again and the "good ol' days were where it was at". It's hard for some people though. I am one who can feel the sadness of remembering the long-gone past, but also very capable of feeling all the happiness and warmth as I remember all over again and feel so grateful for the memories that seem very real still. Life doesn't stay the same. People come and go but our past is all inside of us and hopefully gives us strength to find our way...

Amy Grant when speaking of one of her holiday songs said she thinks "there is a kind of exquisite longing that we all feel at Christmas".  I think we are all wanting to somehow recreate that sense of belonging we once felt or wish we had. We all want to feel we belong somewhere.

I hurt to think of those who don't feel they belong. I have a feeling it's a big group. So many searching for answers. We're all responsible for finding a healthy sense of belonging though... working through the wrinkles in the fabric and ... finding the warmth...

It's there. Sometimes we need to reach far back to find it. Or reach deep. Or just reach out and let someone help... or lend a hand to someone else who has lost their way.

For me it comes back to my faith time and time again... when I feel lost and lose my way. The Christmas story. Immanuel. God with us.