It's nice to have this forum for writing. I've always been a writer... I love to blog, but as my life has progressed it often gets too personal to choose an open public forum.
But, well, here goes....
The last few years I have enjoyed feeding my backyard birds. And they love to splash and drink in the birdbath I keep furnished with clean water. I know all the names of the birds, but the Carolina Wren is my favorite. They are so freindly, joyful, vocal and curious! I have had several "batches" of babies born in my backyard over the years... in wreaths, flower pots and birdhouses I have hung. I just love them.
Well, I have recently had an issue with some rats living under my back patio. Not a problem really, but I've explored ways to get rid of them (except to eliminate their food source which I'm sure is the bird seed)... anyway to make a very long story short.... I caught something in the rat trap a few days ago... and to my horror it was a wren. Just the thought of it again could bring me to tears...
After yelling "NOOOOO!" I picked up the trap and released the dead bird into a hole I dug in my flower garden, covered it with dirt, and placed a lawn ornament rock with the word "Love" on top of it. Then I went inside.
And I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried because it was the last thing I would want to see dead... by my own fault.... I cried over the innocense of the sweet curious little bird. I cried because I'm close to positive it had a mate that would be looking for it. I cried because it was just so sudden, so unexpected, so unfair. And as I cry now while writing I wonder if my intense reaction, though warranted, may be deeper. There is a deep place in me that still greives. For my husband, Edd, gone too soon in life to cancer after we found each other later in life and were beginning to build a beautiful life full of love. For my mom, my greatest support and cheerleader who always told me "You'll be okay" dying suddenly one year after Edd. For my 37-year-old daughter whose addictions have basically ruined her life, taken away her potential and made her days full of pain, negativity, failure, mental illness, and sadness... all reasons for her to continue using her drug ... All of these things have effected me.... and the daughter with addictions continues to do so. It's just the gift that keeps on giving.... and giving.
So I cried for my wren and I continue to weep for the consequences brought on to the lives of those I love. It's hard to let go. It's hard to set boundaries so my own life isn't destroyed and I am brought down with her. This 37 year old child who just can't seem to correct and make the behavioral changes that would facilitate her child, my granddaughter who I now care for full time, being placed again in her home... in her care. So in her mind it is MY fault her daughter is with me.
I don't like the feeling of something being my fault. Something that I didn't cause or intend... something I can't fix. Something that just happens, because it is not a perfect world.
