Christmas gifts

The greatest gifts of Christmas.  This year they'd be mostly intangible.  Oh, I know people say that and there are many gifts that don't have a price tag that others seem to value, but one month ago, I didn't know if I'd even be able to have a regular conversation with my husband again.  I wondered if he'd be able to walk or be able to do anything for himself.

We've been given the gift of some time.  And with time together there are lessons that I learn.  About life.  About myself.

I learn that love is often uncomfortable.  It is often hard work.  A family member of Edd's said to me over the weekend, "I am so impressed with you.  All that you do.  You've been given something you didn't sign up for."  I guess none of us really know what we are signing up for when we take those vows "till death do us part".  Do we?

I learn that some things relating to humility and innocence bring me to a weak and vulnerable place and just break my heart.  Like when I see Edd unable to do something very simple... and he's confused...  But thankfully he seems to be unconcerned and peaceful.  I'm glad of that.  I'm learning and experincing a level of compassion I didn't know existed.

We watched Meet Joe Black this afternoon.  Hoo boy.  Some scenes, especially those between Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins, were hard for me to watch.  Some dialogues brought on the waterworks.

Joe Black: I don't care Bill. I love her. 
William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love. 
Joe Black: Then what is it? 
William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters. 
Joe Black: Which is what? 
William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love. 
Joe Black: So that's what love is according to William Parrish? 
William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about. 

I was given beautifully wrapped gifts that mean a lot too.  Things I can hold in my hand.  The date book I wanted.  The angel ornaments.  The beautiful flower arrangement.  Other things I treasure because they were thoughtfully and lovingly given.  They mean a lot because of the giver's love.

As the day ends, I am luxoriously exhausted and can't wait to slip into warm PJ's and then into my comfy bed and think on the many blessings I DO have.  Life is bittersweet.  Without deep love there'd be no real grief at its loss.  I'm thankful for all the love in my life.

christmas this year

Christmas.  What is it about anyway?  It means different things to people.  This year mine is not like those I've experienced in the past.  It's lonely. It feels cold. I feel vulnerable... fearful... and weighed down with responsibility...  sad even.  Where is the joy?

I open my Bible. The first Christmas is in there.  Somehow reading the story makes me feel less alone.  Like there have been many, millions, of people down through the ages who have felt like me.  Who have felt kind of lost.  Alone.  It makes me feel like maybe God is there. Here. With me. Immanuel.

I think of Jesus. Leaving heaven. Leaving the glory and security he had. I don't think I could have done that. I know I couldn't.  I don't like to leave places of comfort or safety or security. I don't like to feel vulnerable or scared.  But he did.  For us.  For me.  

I'll think on that this Christmas.  Try to dwell there.  Because I can't quite wrap my heart and mind around all the glitter and lights and Christmasy stuff... the packages and bows.  The merry-making and singing.   I have an emptiness that needs filling and I need to let God in.  Let him fill me.   I feel in need of a spiritual Christmas.  One where I reflect and find joy and peace in the depth and the breadth of God's love... his plan for the human race.  For me.  For my broken heart.  It certainly needs healing... and strength and courage.  I know He can do it.  He's done it before.  He can do it again. 

And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.

(Luke 2:8-11 ESV) 

together

He filled the empty places I had. The places I didn't even realize were empty. My needs.

The need to be seen.  

The need to be loved.

The need to feel like a woman. And be wanted. Really feel wanted.

The need to be heard. And feel like someone really "got" me. Understood me. Heard me.

He was always in charge. Wanting to lend a hand.  Planning. Always planning.

The happiest times were when we did things TOGETHER.  Cooked dinner together. Went on a walk together. Had coffee together. Drank wine together. Went out to dinner together.....

I remember one wonderful dinner out he told me he used to have a recurring dream for many years before we met.    He dreamed that he was out to dinner with a wonderful woman. They were having a conversation that gave him happiness. It was fun and completely enjoyable and satisfying.  Fulfilling. He said this dream would come back to him over and over.... But he could never see the woman's face.   He always wanted a woman he could really talk to... and just enjoy BEING with.  And then he met me.

And he never had the dream again.

He looked me in the eye and said I was the woman....in his dream.

I'm glad of that.

Happy Birthday Edd

Today is my husband's birthday. The best, brightest, most loving man I've ever known. He is true

 blue all the way through. He gave my heart peace and rest when I needed it most.  ALWAYS made

 me feel SAFE.  I am honored and happy he chose me to be his wife. I love him with all my heart

 and

 always will. I hope you will forever feel my love Edd. Happy Birthday.

Hold onto each other....