Maybe I'm getting somewhere.
Just maybe I'm learning to savor the times when peace reigns in my life and giving myself permission to let go of things beyond my control and…. exhale… enjoy.
Some things haven't changed any. Missing loved ones not around to hug is a constant. The missing part is always there and will never go away…But I'm learning to accept. It makes me human... and fully authentically me.
Also this is the first Christmas in my entire life that I won't get a stocking filled with thoughtful lovely things from my mom, but I'll survive that too and I'll savor and cherish all the love and memories that are still very much ALIVE! The love is almost tangible and as real as anything could possibly be…. It fills me up.
So I'm learning. I'm learning to accept myself right where I am…not comparing myself to anyone else. Why do we do that? Experiences and people are so different…..
Learning to embrace who I am with my own strengths and insights that have been hard earned and picked up along the journey that is uniquely my own.
I'm learning not to edit myself for anyone …
So remember… Remember when you think you aren't making progress in your life that some things just take time… more time than you think you should have to go through … but if you're willing to stay open and teachable the end result will be worth it.
Sometimes waiting is hard, but I agree it is worth it!
ReplyDeleteA friend reminded me of that this week about progress. I've felt like I've slid backwards in so many places, but progress isn't something we can always see for ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on this first Christmas without your mom. And grateful with you that you have such sweet memories of her that carry you through the season.
My husband and I just had a conversation at dinner that it seemed to us no matter how prepared or unprepared you may be when it comes to losing your parent(s), the grief and sadness is so totally overwhelming and unexpected. It is like a tidal wave we all have to just grab onto anything to survive. The waters calm, and we are left to wander in the debris until we can start to rebuild our lives. Never the same, and always with that loss lingering in our heart. You have had soooo much to deal with. I'm thankful you are feeling some peace. Much love, dear one…blessings of the day and the season is my wish for you...
ReplyDeleteBravo, Kathi ! I enjoy your musings. As a long term widow who muses much herself, I welcome widowhood's hard won realizations. #1. Yes, circumstances create our widowed situation, but this isn't the end of love. Now I realize that absolutely no one is withholding love from me, that is, no one but me. #2. As I change my perspective and take responsibility to unconditionally and uncritically welcome myself and 'what is', I drink so deeply from the cup of satisfaction that I am filled. In the early years of widowhood, did I think I had this in me? #3. Our inner state is reflected outward. I marvel that I experience outside what I welcome inside, so I guess we do create our own reality to an extent. I prefer to believe that I'm on to something, and it is the love of God.
ReplyDeleteYou have rebuilt your life. Life is always unfolding, of course, and we carry within us the gifts others have given us to widen our hug. Merry Christmas.
Thank for visiting! I enjoyed reading your comments and will be dropping by your blog as well hoping to get to know you and your story better! I really like your last statement about carrying within us gifts that "widen our hug"! Wonderful word picture! Merry Christmas to you too!
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