decluttering.... again and again

I grew up in a magical place. At least it seems like that now when I look back. I was a happy kid and felt loved. There was lots of fresh air and room to run and play outside. Woods to explore and a dirt road to ride my bicycle down. And just enough nice neighbors to play with...

I remember my best friend, Debbie. I think of her from time to time now... and wish I had been a better friend to her after I married and moved away... and even before that. She was a few years older than me and in many ways very different, but we were good friends. Since she was into collecting things and garage sales. I wasn't and have never been a collector. She was one to collect things... like old Avon bottles... she always had a lot of stuff around and whenever I'd call her and ask what she was doing she'd say, "I'm cleaning my room." Funny how that is a memory I now have of her.

I heard she died of cancer quite a few years ago and when I heard I felt very sad... and wrote her mother a note saying how very sorry I was....

The reason I write about her now is that I seem frequently be trying to "clean my room". I strive to get rid of extra clutter in my life, but there always seems to be more. I just did a internet search on "what to get rid of and declutter" right now to give me ideas. The lists made me want to open up drawers and cabinets and go through my closet and garage! Which I will do when I finish writing this!

I am always struggling with what to hold on to and what to let go of. In my home... and in my heart and life.

But decluttering just feels good. I long to live more simply and yet I still struggle with "should I really throw that out? I think I will use it" (though I haven't in years).

But back to the "really nice place to grow up" part. Yes, I am jumping from one thought to another and back again, but I'm still so thankful for my home on Goodale Road to this day and miss it. When I go back into my long-term memory storage bank it's filled with feelings of warmth and security. I will always be grateful to my parents for that. The house wouldn't be considered elaborate by any stretch of the imagination.... and I can hardly believe there was just one bathroom and for many years, no shower, just a bathtub. How did we all survive? In some ways I've become spoiled and a bit too expectant and impatient. One bathroom would still be considered a luxury in some parts of the world... even today.

Anyway.... off I go to do some more decluttering....

Just an early photo of my brother and me on our front steps. I just love those young faces!

life in and around my neck of the woods.... in the month of June

Norman .... too tired and hot to go squirrel chasing

Cardinal coming to drink

Norman in the garden after the rain

Pippa exploring the little stones

Always taking the time to give Norman a pat or slap!

Five carolina wren eggs in a nest made in my flower planter

Pippa being cute

Baby birds hatched and ready to be fed!

"Who are you? You're not my mom... and you don't have worms."

Fledgling escaping

The bird family's home in the planter

Another fledgling ready to move on with life

Back patio flowers

Pippa the explorer

Pippa 

Paislee..... always sweet and happy

Me

learn to let things go....

Live and Let Live

Learn to Let Go

These phrases are designed to help us keep peace and perspective and control in our lives.... not control of others, but control of our own personal emotions, tranquility, contentment and serenity.

Keeping a healthy balance is tough. For me anyway. It's something I have to work at and be aware of.

I was thinking about what it  means to Let Go... I know it doesn't mean we don't care. We care, but realize we can't fix things that aren't in our power, aren't our responsibility... and problems that aren't of our making.

There are many ways we can let go ...

Pay attention to what impacts your energy....

What drains me?

What rejuvenates me?

What exhausts me?

Depletes me?

What feeds me and charges me?

How do I feel when I eat certain foods?

Listen to my body.... emotions .... heart.

Let go of some things... i.e. people, places, activities, behaviors ....

And be gentle with yourself along the way.

turning off the noise

It's true. 

I don't know how young people do it. The times are so different today than they were when I was younger and raising my family. It was simpler. There were less distractions. Young people today are pulled in many directions and never quiet and still. It's been so noticeable to me lately how everyone is walking around looking at their phone as they shop, as they take a walk, as they drive (oh God I wish this weren't so), as they do just about anything.  The world has so many things trying to pull us in and taking up our time that if we do not make a conscious effort to make it stop we will fall into that hectic way of life also. 

I think there has to be a change of heart and lifestyle at some point. The hectic and fast pace just can't be sustained over time. Burnout comes. Broken relationships, unhappy, frustrated, angry people without any peace seem to be increasing.

Just something I feel... and sense.... 

I've had to just say no lately and turn off the noise that just feels so heavy.

Facebook used to be a fun way to interact and keep up with friends. More simple. It's not fun anymore. Although I've tried using the tools to eliminate some of the "noise" and numerous ads (without success), it's become another thing that needs decluttering in my life, i.e. sorting through the meaningful and irrelevant or negative and discouraging to make room for something much better. Do I really need to see every comment a friend has made somewhere else... or something they have "liked"? I'm sure they don't want to see mine either.... 

Sigh...

So that brings me back to my original thought....which is.... 

The simpler my life... the happier I become.

.... and I'm happily shutting things down.... and letting them go.....

truth sets us free

I read something today (below) in a book I love that blew me away with its truth. The kind of truth that sets you free. I sat down to read... in my glider rocker... and had a resolve to learn and to soak in something good... 

I opened my book and indeed soaked it in....

Possibly we all have situations in our lives that we have tried to control when it's involved other people and their choices. We just wanted to fix things and make everything okay. We've seen someone's life derail and the choices they make seem to make them miserable. We want to tell them to "do it this way instead" or "stop doing that" or any number of other responses that try to stop the chaos or unhealthy lifestyle we are witnessing. But it doesn't work. We don't have that power. 

I did it in my first marriage. Tried to make an emotionally unavailable man ... available.

Impossible.

I did it with my daughter. Tried to argue and reason my way through her insane lifestyle and addiction to change her mind. I tried to make someone not willing to do what it takes to change ... change.... 

Impossible.

I did it because I cared. Because I desperately wanted things to change for the better, but it only brought stress and hopelessness and despair to my own life... and the feeling of failure.

Oh, there is an answer.... and it's to let go... Love... and let go.... Surrender.....

My daughter made this bookmark for me recently in rehab (she's 32!)  It touched me because she has little to give but chose to give me what she had.... she made it with the children of the moms in the rehab facility when they went on a nature walk. She said, "It's not much, but I made two and wanted to give one to you."

She is learning and wanting to change... Will it last? Will she keep moving forward in recovery and maintain health, sobriety, and sanity? ... I hope so, but that is up to her. I've moved on from thinking if I just say the right thing in the right way I can control or change a situation. 

And peace dwells in my heart because of that....

I don't know how other people's lives are going to turn out. I pray for them and I love them. I cheer them on.... but it's up to them... 

... as my life is up to me as to how I will live it. 


Powerlessness and Unmanageability

Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.

"I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process," said one recovering woman.

I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.

I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me. I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy.

What I'm saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!

By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.

In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.

Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

things to remember.....

I've read some good articles lately... or listened to a TED talk... or watched an interesting program... all of which made me stop and think and reflect.  Some thoughts filled a void where there had been some lack of understanding. Some ideas just clicked and finally made sense. Some thoughts were convicting and made me see myself... or others... and what I didn't want to be... or do in my own life. It feels good to learn... and change (hopefully) for the better. Become more wise... and more at peace...

Some of the things I want to remember....

* I heard this said today... "Life is not about avoiding suffering, but finding meaning". Sure made me stop and think. Abruptly. Suffering has always been so tough for me to understand. It has taken me a long long time for this truth to travel from my head to my heart. Why? Why do some truths you have heard many times all of a sudden sink in where they can do some good inside of us? Sometimes the right person has to say it. Sometimes it has to come at the right time and in the right way. I don't know why things click when they do... but it clicked for me recently. Maybe I am finally (maybe) making peace with the reality that suffering is part of the human experience. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

* Principles without practice equal... or result in... lostness. Just because we believe the right things (or say we do) means little without practicing... or living it out... in our lives. Makes me think of the Bible verse "faith without works is dead"... Worthless. Do... don't just say... or think.... or believe.... Do.

* Don't be a "right fighter". There are a lot of right fighters around. Always have to come back with saying something to disagree or try to prove another wrong, argue, never backing down... believing that is a virtue even... Just cannot keep quiet. This doesn't mean we cannot express an opinion, but after you have, let it be. And be kind on top of that. "Never miss a good chance to shut up".  My first marriage was with a right fighter... and I probably had some of that in me as well.... Not a happy marriage. But I have wanted peace for a long time now. I still have strong opinions, but I don't have to throw them around all the time like a weapon. Sometimes (often) peace is better than being right. Sounds harsh but... "I knew I matured when I realized every situation doesn't need a reaction. Sometimes you just gotta leave people to do the lame shit they do." It's true.

* Death is what makes life precious... gives life meaning. Dying is what creates preciousness... it's what gives us the impulse to make meaning. Death proves life.... (whoa!)  B.J. Miller TED talk is awesome. Just awesome.

More to come..............

morning kitchen activity

I love to cook and bake. Especially if I can share with others. But even if visitors aren't expected I enjoy good food and the process of making it for myself. I don't make every meal from scratch, but I have to admit when I do it's a whole lot better tasting than the freezer section of the grocery store!

It might be nice to have a servant who did all the cleaning up though! But even that can be satisfying ... to get the kitchen back to a clean and organized status.

I've had the ingredients to make Creamy Tortellini Soup and Focaccia bread for a few days now ... both using fresh herbs from my garden. It was as good as I hoped it would be and I will definitely make it again. It would be a good meal for company with a green salad on the side.

Norman is my ever-present-doggie-in-the-way-at-my-feet companion while I putter around in the kitchen. I'm sure he has learned that he gets lucky from time to time... 

... and it's always nice when something falls our way.