Thoughts and prayers for today

My mind is full of thoughts and ideas bouncing around. Amazing to me is our ability to process dreadful news and go on and live and breathe and ... smile... EVEN THOUGH. There is a tremendous resilience to the human spirit. Growing up and growing older has some wonderful aspects. Like wisdom (hopefully) and understanding and sensitivity and kindness. Oh, how I possessed so little of those qualities in my younger days and thought I knew so much! Will I think years down the road that I knew and understood so little in these present days too? Most likely!

Before we left for Edd's chemo treatment this morning we prayed. Silently. But together holding hands. Edd asked beforehand what in particular I thought we should pray about. I said we should pray that God would use the treatments and knowledge of the medical field to work through his body and fight the disease... and that we need to acknowledge that God is infinitely stronger and more powerful than cancer! So we did....

I got a lot of peace today as I prayed that God would not allow me (or Edd or other loved ones) to leave this world without showing me the truth and giving me confidence in that knowledge. The arrogance and self righteousness of Christians does a lot of harm. I am soul-pained by it. It is everywhere. News and radio shows. TV personalities who claim to speak the truth and yet are clearly motivated by greed. Insidious. The faith I have always claimed confidently has been shaken in recent years, but it is still alive. That I am sure of. I want my faith to give me the power to love more effectively. God will help us with the rest. I've asked Him to.

On daughters

Soon I'll have two married daughters. There's nothing more deeply a part of me. Nothing more precious. The time I spent with them as they were growing up is something I value beyond measure. It seems so long ago as I now see the women they have become. I am grateful for the values, sensitivities, sensibilities, wisdom, understanding I see. I so wanted to be the perfect mother. :-) I felt such a responsibility.... and always wanted to love and nurture and protect and teach. But I wasn't the perfect mother. I didn't always love perfectly but my love for them is unconditional and eternal. I believe they have taught me more than I have ever taught them myself.

When they have joy, I rejoice. When they are sad or feel pain, I feel that too. They're never far from my thoughts.

Seeing my beloved Kristen get married recently was special and brought back memories of my baby girl and how far she's come. Where is that little girl who would lay her head on my shoulder and fall asleep as soon as she was rocked? Where did that spunky little girl go who got out of her crib and into the baby powder and happily emptied most of the bottle onto everything in her room!? I hear her saying mommy come say goodnight and feel the warmth of thousands of evenings reading in bed before good night kisses. There she is standing before us with a strong will and desire to give her best to life. To bring her best to those she loves and those who love her. How proud I am of her. How I love the woman she is becoming. The wedding day was simiple... yet so very special. I was full of joy to see how beautiful she looked on that day and how she radiated joy and peace. She was lovely. She is loved. How I want her to be deeply happy and content and always hopeful. How I want the very best for her always and will be cheering her on.

Jenni, my precious Jenni will be marrying in less than a week now. I rejoice with her! But I do wonder where the years have scurried off to. Wasn't she just sitting on my lap with her biki, sucking her thumb and asking me to read a book to her? Wasn't she just helping me make Christmas cookies or bread or doing her schoolwork at the kitchen table? Isn't that her brushing her doll's hair or pretending she is some princess or mermaid or pioneer girl? When did she grow up to be such a beautiful, wise and hard-working woman? When did this little girl with big blue eyes become so strong and smart and full of depth? She will make a beautiful bride and a loving wife. She has been a wonderful daughter. I am so proud of her. Love for her is deep in my heart and soul. That will never change.

There are some things we can count on.

There will be lessons ahead to learn. There will be joy and pain. Success and sometimes failure. But may there be lots of love and always hope and an abundance of forgiveness and grace and encouragement to cover and protect in the midst of any storms that come along.

hope....

The soul searching is intense. On the one hand we have this hope that maybe we'll hear the words "it was a mistake and there's nothing to worry about", and then again we worry we will hear the worst possible news which would be that there is no hope for a cure. The two extremes bounce around in your head and I wish I could just fast forward to the meeting with the oncologist after he has the scan results and he's thought through the treatment plan. Our life is no longer in our control (if it ever was) and we are totally at the mercy of cancer and how its treatment will alter our lives. For me it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other and go through the day but I do.... I think of Edd going to work and just doing what he always does. He is definitely a soldier as well as any other who marches through the day being faithful and loyal and moving forward in spite of the pressure to fall apart, which is what I want to do.

All I thought I knew about God is tested. Edd and I talked this morning about God and why he doesn't heal, about prayer, about asking Him to help, whether He is involved, whether He cares, if we matter at all to Him. I used to be so sure, I used to have the answers to hypothetical situations, but now it's me and my precious husband and I am not seeing God's intervention, I don't feel He cares, and I don't know anything it seems. I know I've prayed for some things and He has graciously protected and saved and then I've prayed for things and the answer was "no". Are all these just random? Is it like playing roulette and spinning the wheel? Do I beg and plead for Edd's healing or do I just ask once and then seek peace with His answer? I feel so tired and weary from this journey and I know Edd must feel even more so. He is most concerned about me. I am married to an amazing man who loves me deeply.

I feel it's okay to get angry with God. He can take it. Why pretend I am not angry or hurt or worried. He knows anyway. I don't care what we have to go through. I just desire the news that there is HOPE for a cure. I'm slowly realizing that the old life that I keep wishing we could go back to simply doesn't exist. We cannot hurry up and get through with all this so that we can get back to it again.