Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Love and inspiration

I'm not very good at trying to be inspirational if I don't feel it or forcing creativity. I love to write and think through life's issues, but the truth is, I'm not feeling very inspirational and I don't feel I have much to say. My heart is jammed up and my brain has starts and stops of grand thoughts and ideas... sadly not for long.

I began this blog when I felt very hopeful and as though my life was full of possibilities and exciting adventures. Edd and I had been through the fire with his cancer and we thought we were through the worst. Now it has become the new normal and we are still trying to figure out how to LIVE with it. It seems to swallow me up sometimes making me feel like a child who doesn't feel safe.

I was thinking today while sitting with Edd in the waiting room of the doctor's office that if I could just take half of his treatments and he the other half. If I could just ease some of the discomfort so he didn't have to feel it all. But then again, one time he said to me he thought this whole process might be even harder on me than it is on him because it's hard to see someone you love hurting and not be able to do a damn thing about it, not be able to change or fix things. And I AM a fixer. I want to make everything better and some things just can't be fixed apart from an act of God.

LOVE is many things I suppose. An emotion or feeling. A desire. Mostly, I think it is a verb... an action verb. Something we DO or don't do to benefit another person. To give them hope and strength and courage. It's the opposite of selfishness. There's not much room for selfishness in a loving relationship. I read a quote the other day that said the one who loves the least controls the relationship. That is open for debate, but if it's talking about a person being selfish and always demanding their own way then yes, I'd have to agree that their love is lacking. I couldn't deliberately hurt someone I love. It would be as if I cut off my own arm. It would hurt me as well.

As I write this entry I realize that I DO have a lot of things to say. But they are bottled up deep inside and I probably need some kind of outlet. And I need to seek to find one.


  1. It made me sad to think of you feeling like a child who doesn't feel safe. Wishing you all good things... hope, serenity, safety, and lots and lots of love. :)

    Like your new background by the way!! Looks great!!

  2. I love you are never afraid to be honest and you talk about your life and heart with such softness and vulnerability. It's beautiful Kathi.

    I hope you find the outlet you need to let out the things you are bottling inside. I hope you keep writing here too...

    PS - I love your background. It's fitting for you and reminds me of our times together when we would eat salad and you'd make a fire and we'd sit there on a quiet fall evening sharing our hearts. (o:

  3. Aww... Jenni... I'm okay. Thank you for wishing me all those good things... I feel it... and I love you! xoxo

    Jenn... good memories with you... how far you have come. You are a wonderful wife ... and loving mother to such an adorable precious little boy! Your comment means a LOT!

  4. I don't think you know what a wonderful writer you are. You put the words together in a way we all understand and can feel what you are feeling.

    I think of you every day and pray GOD hears me when I ask Him for strength to live the best lives we can. All who love you, hurt with and for you and Edd. I love you so much. Please use our love as some comfort to live the best life you can. You are doing a good job.

    Hugs, Mom

  5. Thanks Mom.... you mean the world to me! Love you!