On lists

Another full day. I've never understood those who say they are bored.

This evening I thought back at all the things I did today. I'm a compulsive list maker. I even make lists at the end of the day of the things I accomplished. That is if I didn't have a to-do list in the first place to check off (which I usually do!). Kind of weird. I obviously get some kind of satisfaction from it. It's measurable, clear, and an easy way to gauge my "success". Today I did the things my hubby asked me to do. Call the surgeon's office to request paperwork. Order some medical supplies. Get a prescription filled. Pick up a few needed groceries. Then I did other important things for me like go to my physical therapy appointment to get a painful, yet helpful massage on my hurting neck and shoulders. I also gathered and completed forms and important certified documents that needed to be mailed. It was a good day and yet....

Seems I'm often consciously or unconsciously trying to validate my worth. Am I doing enough? Am I doing my fair share. Am I contributing enough to this marriage? Should I be doing more? What more can I do? I'm tired but should I be resting? Am I wasting time?

No one except me is putting these pressures on me. My husband tells me often how much he appreciates all I do and reinforces the idea that I am doing a LOT. We are partners, a team, and I'm picking up the slack. I'm doing the things he can't. I'm adding stability and making our home a loving, happy, peaceful, nurturing place to be. A place that makes him happy. Maybe it's because of his cancer. I see how much he fights through the discomfort and the pain and the challenges and keeps going ... and I feel I can never quite do enough. I'm never really able to help enough.

I told him to make a list of all the things that make him happy and the things that don't make him happy. He said he'd think about it but quickly added that I'd be at the very top of the list and that the rest doesn't matter. Maybe I should just start believing that I'm doing okay...