Monday, August 4, 2014

a proper burial

We all keep things that are important to us.  I have date books and calendars that I've saved from several years back.  I have emails from over ten years ago.   It was interesting when going through my mom's things after she passed away that she had quite a few past years' calendars too.  Part of it for me is not trusting my memory and wanting to ensure some events, thoughts and dates aren't lost forever.

But today I threw away a whole lot …. papers and notebooks that were filled, and I mean filled, with pages and pages of memories and instructions, thoughts and medical considerations…. so much mental activity written down during a time that was difficult in the extreme.  I was taking care of my love and he was going to lose his hold on life…. and so much of mine was going with him….

And today I threw most of it away.  Because it is done and over.  It is time to move forward from all that pain.  Though I haven't looked at those pages in a long time, I don't need to remember doctors' names, medications given, how much and when and what time.  I don't have to have a record of test results and their implications.   It happened.  I was present then, but I don't have to go back there anymore.  It all needs a proper burial.

Some things are sufficiently in my mind and if I forget some of it oh well.   Some I need to forget.  At least I've finally come to that point.  I don't want notebooks full of data or information that brings me back and I don't need to ensure it can be reached again if I forget.

But in reality what all of it shows me is just how much I loved.  How much I wanted to do everything as RIGHT as I could.   And when he was gone, I poured over documents and wrote more notes and tried to figure out and solve more problems.   And I did the best I could.  And that is enough.  I've given enough.   I am enough.  I'm content.

Life is an exercise in learning what to hold onto and what to let go.

I buried some things today.  I chose to let go…

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