We all keep things that are important to us. I have date books and calendars that I've saved from several years back. I have emails from over ten years ago. It was interesting when going through my mom's things after she passed away that she had quite a few past years' calendars too. Part of it for me is not trusting my memory and wanting to ensure some events, thoughts and dates aren't lost forever.
But today I threw away a whole lot …. papers and notebooks that were filled, and I mean filled, with pages and pages of memories and instructions, thoughts and medical considerations…. so much mental activity written down during a time that was difficult in the extreme. I was taking care of my love and he was going to lose his hold on life…. and so much of mine was going with him….
And today I threw most of it away. Because it is done and over. It is time to move forward from all that pain. Though I haven't looked at those pages in a long time, I don't need to remember doctors' names, medications given, how much and when and what time. I don't have to have a record of test results and their implications. It happened. I was present then, but I don't have to go back there anymore. It all needs a proper burial.
Some things are sufficiently in my mind and if I forget some of it oh well. Some I need to forget. At least I've finally come to that point. I don't want notebooks full of data or information that brings me back and I don't need to ensure it can be reached again if I forget.
But in reality what all of it shows me is just how much I loved. How much I wanted to do everything as RIGHT as I could. And when he was gone, I poured over documents and wrote more notes and tried to figure out and solve more problems. And I did the best I could. And that is enough. I've given enough. I am enough. I'm content.
Life is an exercise in learning what to hold onto and what to let go.
I buried some things today. I chose to let go…