decision

This thought has gone around and around in my head today. The voice is getting louder.

"I am making the decision to not be afraid anymore."

Fear. Anxiety. The "what ifs". The things out of my control. Worrying about this one and that one. How can I help? What should I do? Do I speak? Do I keep quiet? How can I keep bad things from happening? How can I meet others' expectations?

It's true I can be sensitive and easily hurt. We all vary though in how we absorb a blow. Some people do not like to bleed out in the open or display their wounds. And the last quite-a-few years have taken more from me than I was originally aware of. I've been lost and trying to find my way home.

Living alone as I have for the last four years has taken its toll as well. I've always had someone by my side. I've been a follower to a large extent. I've had no one to follow.

But I choose to not be afraid anymore.

I have been off center by assuming responsibility for the wrongs and sufferings I see around me. I allow myself to feel like the cause of all that is not right with the world. Which is silly and probably ego-centered because it assumes that I have control over events that are truly beyond my control.

I'm not certain where this new freedom is coming from. I have some ideas but hoping I don't slip back into unhealthy patterns because I'm working at changing my lifestyle.

I'm getting glimpses of home again. And it really feels good.

worry etc.

I remember many years ago when we began dating I was telling Edd about some of my irrational fears. We were talking over the phone and I was revealing my insecurity and being as honest as I knew how to be.  In his wonderful way he smoothly replied, "We are going to have to put that imagination of yours to better use." 

I still think of that conversation and smile. 

Worry is such a waste of time isn't it?

Even though I know that to be true I still struggle with it. I have a little bit of generalized anxiety disorder and I know it. I actually think I have had it most of my life but a strong faith has kept it in check. But after caring for Edd and losing him and then losing my mom shortly thereafter, among other stressful family situations, my symptoms got a little worse. Not bad enough to have to be on any medication, but enough that I have to be proactive and recognize the symptoms and DO something about them. And there is so much we can do. I found the following on a GAD site that had lots of useful information. 

The best methods for self-soothing incorporate one or more of the physical senses: vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch, or movement: 

Sight – Look at anything that relaxes you or makes you smile: a beautiful view, family photos, cat pictures on the Internet.

Sound – Listen to soothing music or sing a favorite tune. Or enjoy the relaxing sounds of nature (either live or recorded): ocean waves, wind through the trees, birds singing.

Smell – Light scented candles. Smell the flowers in a garden. Breathe in the clean, fresh air. Spritz on your favorite perfume.

Taste – Slowly eat a favorite treat, savoring each bite. Sip a hot cup of coffee or herbal tea. Chew on a stick of gum. Enjoy a mint or your favorite hard candy.

Touch – Give yourself a hand or neck massage. Cuddle with a pet. Wrap yourself in a soft blanket. Sit outside in the cool breeze. 

Movement – Go for a walk, dance around, jump up and down, or gently stretch.

Alcohol may ease the symptoms for a short time but it actually makes them worse as it wears off. Eating healthy and getting exercise makes all the difference in the world!

When we have a challenge or struggle in life it can be used to bring out our strengths or make us work a little harder. I refuse to let my challenges limit me, but I find it good that I can concentrate on a healthy lifestyle because of them.

thoughts for today

This was a bit convicting to me today.... I love words.. and quotes... and inspiring thoughts. I fall short so often though. I have good intentions, but don't always act. I pray I'll be true to my words.

I am finding myself silent more and more. Often I feel my words will fall flat and not have an impact. Should I speak anyway? Not if it's not kind or true, but knowing if it's necessary is harder understand.

We all have hurts in our lives... hurtful things said or done or not done.... that were probably directed at us by people who were hurting themselves. 

We may never get an "I'm sorry".... but we need to let it go....

Do what you can. Some days it may just be giving a smile to someone who doesn't have one of their own. Really SEEING someone. Sometimes my expectations for solving a problem are way too high. We can't solve all the world's problems and it hurts to see the suffering near and far, but do what you can, when you can, and do it over and over again...

growing stuff

Gardening is about enjoying the smell of things growing in the soil, getting dirty without feeling guilty, and generally taking the time to soak up a little peace and serenity. ~Lindley Karstens

You can bury a lot of troubles digging in the dirt. ~Author Unknown

I think the true gardener is a lover of his flowers, not a critic of them. I think the true gardener is the reverent servant of Nature, not her truculent, wife-beating master. I think the true gardener, the older he grows, should more and more develop a humble, grateful and uncertain spirit. ~Reginald Farrer, In a Yorkshire Garden, 1909

A garden is always a series of losses set against a few triumphs, like life itself. ~May Sarton

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

I sit in my garden, gazing upon a beauty that cannot gaze upon itself. And I find sufficient purpose for my day. ~Robert Brault

Today I had set aside for spading. Now there is nothing pleasanter than spading when the ground is soft and damp. You turn a spade full and then carefully knock all the lumps to pieces and you go on for hours without thinking about anything. ~John Steinbeck, letter to Kate Beswick

Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds,
The harvest can be either flowers or weeds.
~Author Unknown

Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes. ~Author Unknown