Love never fails....

Love is patient. Love is kind. Not arrogant, boastful, rude, irritable or resentful. Or jealous. It bears all, believes all, hopes all and endures all things.

Who am I to give up on someone when they don't measure up? I have had a couple occurrences in my life when I (in my opinion) REALLY messed up. Oh, I have the frequent "little" mess ups, but I've also been in the place of feeling as though things will never be okay again. Without giving the details (because they don't matter to anyone except me), there were people in my life who loved me anyway. Who were there to offer healing words and HOPE. To tell me I was loved in SPITE of falling very far short. I know the story about David's sin with Bathsheba is in the Bible to remind us just how far someone can stray from the right path. Adultery, murder? It's a warning to us... and also a reminder of how far God's love can reach. If I want to have a heart like God's I guess I have to reach far too.

It's easy to love those who measure up in our eyes. One of the very best compliments I ever received in my life was from my ex-sister-in-law (though I don't think of her as an ex!) She said I was one of the easiest people in her life to love!! I know that is what I want to be for others. I want to be easy to love and not be a burden emotionally or in any other way.

It doesn't mean that we accept wrong behavior. Let's make that clear. But we can still allow God to love others through us and give us the love that never fails. Love when it's hard... because I want to beleive that God will never stop loving ME.

So... just for today...

I am going to believe that there is a purpose for everything that happens in our lives.

I will pray for the people I love to have deep peace and happiness.

I'll be kinder and gentler with myself.

I will acknowledge God and give Him thanks for the riches I have in this life.

I will set an example.

I will not be discouraged.

I will let my mind believe the impossible... to believe in miracles.

Because the truth is.... all we really have is TODAY.

Things I know for sure...

If Oprah can have a column with this title I can too, right?!! There sure are plenty of things I DON'T know for sure. I can't always tell who is being truthful at any given time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or how many breaths I have. There are so many opinions out there and I sure don't know how to solve all the social problems in the world. Or on a personal level, why do good people get painful diseases and suffer? I used to think I had all the answers, but now admit some of my answers were glib and maybe even arrogant. But...

... there are still things I DO know... for sure.

We reap what we sow. There are consequences to our actions, good or bad. If we don't get what we deserve, it is because of God's grace.

Life isn't fair, but it is GOOD.

There is always something to be thankful for.

Some people don't want our advice to change their lives or solve their problems. They just want to complain.

We can't control another person's behavior (so stop trying). On the other hand we CAN control our own (but even that can be difficult).

When we love someone, their pain becomes our pain and their joys become our joys.

An encouraging word goes a long way and a loving touch can be very healing.

We don't need to be perfect. Only God is perfect.

Life gets better, richer, and more meaningful as we get older.

A smile is the best thing you can wear each day.

Loss and pain is part of life. Some grow hard through it and some grow more tender and kind-hearted.

People really want to be heard and understood.

Crying is helpful and cleanses the soul.

A positive attitude is one of the most important things we can possess.

"Ordinary" blessings

Today was a day full of activity. I love getting up in the early part of the day when all is quiet and the day is just beginning. I stumbled out of bed before 7am, let the dog out and pushed the coffee pot's "on" button. By the time I got my cozy little spot ready on the couch with the newspaper, my laptop and a warm muffin, the coffee was announcing its "done-ness". Ahhh.....

After we took a walk we began a sequence of chores that got tackled one by one... get boat back from repair shop, wash the cars (and other car stuff), clean up the garage, bake a pumpkin spice cake with cream cheese icing (yum), watch the UT football game, get a Christmas tree, buy wonderful new tool cabinet for Edd...WHAT? Buy a Christmas tree??? We now possess a 9-foot tall Christmas tree!!! I've never had a home that would fit such a large tree! I'll have to get on a step stool to put the ornaments on... Oh, that reminds me... more ornaments needed!

Edd will have fun putting together his new cabinet and organizing his tools. Makes me happy. Just being together and doing ordinary stuff.

Tomorrow promises nice weather. I hope to begin the next day in a similar way. I'm thankful for the big blessings and all the "ordinary" ones too.

October (yay!)

Ahh... October! (exhale) It ushers in so many good thoughts and feelings. It anounces that we made it through the hot summer and promises cool fresh days ahead. I am going to try to be very present in each day and appreciate the blessings each one brings.

Things to look forward to...

A visit from mom and dad the first part of November!

Getting a larger Christmas tree this weekend I saw at Costco yesterday! (Need my hubby to go with me)

Baking!

Using the fireplace!

Continuing to learn and grow and make peace with all that rushes around me.

Loving my friends and family better.

Walks and talks with my husband.

Being open to new things God wants to do in my life.

(quick list... to be continued)

Love and inspiration

I'm not very good at trying to be inspirational if I don't feel it or forcing creativity. I love to write and think through life's issues, but the truth is, I'm not feeling very inspirational and I don't feel I have much to say. My heart is jammed up and my brain has starts and stops of grand thoughts and ideas... sadly not for long.

I began this blog when I felt very hopeful and as though my life was full of possibilities and exciting adventures. Edd and I had been through the fire with his cancer and we thought we were through the worst. Now it has become the new normal and we are still trying to figure out how to LIVE with it. It seems to swallow me up sometimes making me feel like a child who doesn't feel safe.

I was thinking today while sitting with Edd in the waiting room of the doctor's office that if I could just take half of his treatments and he the other half. If I could just ease some of the discomfort so he didn't have to feel it all. But then again, one time he said to me he thought this whole process might be even harder on me than it is on him because it's hard to see someone you love hurting and not be able to do a damn thing about it, not be able to change or fix things. And I AM a fixer. I want to make everything better and some things just can't be fixed apart from an act of God.

LOVE is many things I suppose. An emotion or feeling. A desire. Mostly, I think it is a verb... an action verb. Something we DO or don't do to benefit another person. To give them hope and strength and courage. It's the opposite of selfishness. There's not much room for selfishness in a loving relationship. I read a quote the other day that said the one who loves the least controls the relationship. That is open for debate, but if it's talking about a person being selfish and always demanding their own way then yes, I'd have to agree that their love is lacking. I couldn't deliberately hurt someone I love. It would be as if I cut off my own arm. It would hurt me as well.

As I write this entry I realize that I DO have a lot of things to say. But they are bottled up deep inside and I probably need some kind of outlet. And I need to seek to find one.

Simple acts of caring

Often it is the very simple things that bless our hearts. I seem to get joy from things that are rarely associated with a price tag. Sometimes it's a memory, or a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes it's a note of encouragement from a friend or a kind gesture from a stranger.

Yesterday I stopped at the gas station and then proceeded to the car wash that I selected when purchasing my gas. Before entering I was flagged down by a man who was very concerned! He told me my gas cap wasn't put back on and was warning me very kindly yet excitedly that I better not go into the car wash like that or water will get into my gas tank!! I thanked him profusely for letting me know! I was grateful there are people like that in the world.

Today while at the doctor's office with Edd I witnessed a very simple exchange between a husband and wife yet it was touching and precious to me. An old woman sat dozing in the waiting room as her husband's doctor approached and gently woke her. When her husband shuffled over they teased her a bit when she said she wasn't asleep but just resting! Apparently her thin husband had a heart condition and also a bandage on his toe. When they finally got up to leave the man kindly said to his wife, "you stay here I'll go get the car" since no one could park very close to the building. She didn't quite hear him and he repeated himself to which she replied, "oh, I'm going with you." As they walked away I heard him say, "no, you're not...." and then they were out of my view. I would have enjoyed what what was said next I bet. I looked up and saw another woman across from me with the same smile on her face as my own. It was clear this couple had been together for a long time... and he still wanted to take care of her even though he himself was shuffling along and stooped over.

Precious. Simple acts of caring give me a peaceful heart.

It's a crazy world we live in. If I could somehow communicate to young people today what love is it would look very different from what is shown in today's programming and messages. It's a genuine concern and regard for the good of another. It's waking up every morning and wondering what you can do this day to make the life of another better or show you care. It's wanting to give another your best. It's like having your favorite peice of cake in front of you. How will you share it? How much of it do you give away? The more we hold onto for ourselves, the less we are able to keep.

Things beyond our control

Many aspects of life are difficult to understand. There are things that we can control in life and some things that we cannot. Many of the things that happened outside of my control turned out to be tremendous blessings I would not trade for the world. Like my children who weren't exactly planned. But they WERE planned by God and I cannot imagine life without them. Like my divorce which was devastating and yet led me down the path to meeting a man who loves me and is totally committed to my good and happiness.

It's often through things we do not plan and wouldn't seek out that lead us to a richer place. New discoveries about ourselves, life and love.

Edd's cancer. Sometimes the reality of it all can bring me to despair and deep deep sadness when I think about how it has changed our lives. Other times I am amazed and humbled and in awe of all God has given us through it by way of perspective and appreciation of life. I admit though that I have far to go in acceptance and understanding.

Some things are so personal I just cannot bring myself to share them ... they'll have to stay in my heart to ponder but the changes that come through having to deal with devastating news is a bittersweet journey.

Gone is the "luxury" of holding a grudge, being selfish, withholding affection, languishing in self pity, playing any number of little relationship games that couples play to get attention. It's just no longer a part of the equation (if it ever was) or who we are as a couple. Not when we rely on each other's strength so much. The strength and courage I see each and every day from the man I live with is inspiring and gives me strength to love him even more.

My heart is so full and I can't even begin to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Maybe someday more that is inside and the lessons I've learned will come to the surface but for now this is all I'm able to express. Just the tip of the iceberg.

I've cried out to God for understanding and wisdom many times in my life... for mercy and for grace and for deliverance. I have to believe that He has something in the pain and grief we go through to teach us. That there is a purpose and something He wants us to learn or understand. Sometimes it's so hard to see it, but I'll continue to be open to whatever it is.... in time.

A couple of quotes from books by Michael J. Fox who deals with Parkinson's Disease. His optimism is very inspiring to me....

"It may seem hard to believe, but it's catastrophe that offers the most promise for an even richer life. This is the gateway to the good stuff. In other words, you never truly know which way the wind is blowing until the shit hits the fan."

If you were to rush into this room right now and announce that you had struck a deal - with God, Allah, Buddha, Christ, Krishna, Bill Gates, whomever - in which the ten years since my diagnosis could be magically taken away, traded in for ten more years as the person I was before - I would, without a moment's hesitation, tell you to take a hike."