celebrate anyway

Enjoying the day today. I need to try to overcome the joy-killers in my life though. You know (maybe you don't) the voices in your head that say, "You really shouldn't be happy or relish in anything good happening to you because ..... (fill in the blank)". I have quite a few things like that in my life. People I care about and fill me with concern. Worries that keep nagging at me. The "what ifs" that I constantly try to regulate and control.

My daughter's best friend doggy pal, Cooper, fell ill and quickly deteriorated and died two days ago.  Just died. Damn damn cancer. It's so traumatic. Death. I hate it. It leaves me feeling sick and sad, lonely and empty feeling. Sad for me. Hurting for my daughter. For the loss of a beautiful faithful loyal furry friend of 11 years. Are we grateful we had him? Of course. Was he loved? Immensely. Could our love heal him? No.

This isn't the Me that used to have all kinds of faith and trust in God.

Sigh.

Ah... but this day, today, always has much good in it. The hot steamy humid days we have been experiencing have ceased. At least for now. It feels like fall and that proverbial "change is in the air" has arrived. And it should be celebrated!

I had a doctor's appointment today, my yearly exam, and I was ten pounds lighter in weight than I was at my last exam in June! I've been trying. Really trying. That should be celebrated!

Norman ran out of the yard yesterday after the neighbors' kids left my back gate open. He was nowhere to be seen. I called for him and he eventually came running from around the block having traveled quite a distance down the street and around the corner. Good dog Norman. You came when I called you! That should be celebrated!

There are so many things I could celebrate even though my little family feels kind of battered and bruised. Let's face it, the whole world seems battered and bruised to me. 

I do still have my faith and trust in God though. It's definitely small as a mustard seed. But God says that's enough. 

And that should be celebrated too.

just Go!

I didn't want to exercise this morning and couldn't get motivated. I figured I would eventually, but it wasn't going to be easy.

As I contemplated going upstairs and using my boring elliptical machine, I thought, "What could I do that I might actually enjoy and get exercise at the same time?"

So I decided to hop on my bike and just Go..... 

It's the first day of fall. Here in Texas it doesn't feel any different than hot summer yet, but the weekend is supposed to usher in rain and cooler temperatures for next week. Or at least that's what the local weather people are teasing us with. This is the time of the year when I long for a change in the usual hot hot hot. 

And it's coming!

So a ride on my bike was a perfect beginning to my day. It's said that no matter how  slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch! 

I'll go with that! 

listening to my body

I wish I didn't feel so horrible when I don't eat light and healthy. I wish I didn't feel horrible when I neglect to exercise. I wish I didn't feel horrible when I have more than one glass of wine. I wish I didn't feel badly when I eat more than my body needs and begin to put weight on this Fifty-ish frame.

Or do I?

My body is telling me what it needs and what is good for it. I need to listen and give this outer shell for my soul and spirit what it needs and stop giving it more than it needs.  More than ever I feel like I am affected by what I put into my body every day. I have never been able to figure it out exactly, whether I'm allergic to this or that, or if certain foods cause issues with how I feel, but I DO know that if I don't consistently practice moderation I suffer the consequences pretty quickly. My body needs more TLC now... and probably always did.

I feel more achy.
I feel more anxious.
I feel less ambitious.
I look less perky and more old.
I feel more lazy.
I have less energy.
I just .... hurt.

I haven't an excuse. After all I have an EXERCISE ROOM in my home! With free weights, and an elliptical machine, a yoga mat and yoga and pilates DVDs.  I don't need to run any marathons but I do need keep active every day. I'm making it a habit again. What's 30 minutes? Not much and it makes all the difference in my day.

Thank you, Body, for reminding me what I need to do... and what not to do!

restoration

One of my pet peeves is when something doesn't work. And if it's something that is supposed to be useful, like a clock that should tell the time, I can't picture it just sitting on a mantle to be decorative.

Recently I gave some thought to "things" that had special meaning and memory to me and decided I needed to bring a few items to someone for repair so they could be used and enjoyed again.

My childhood memories include a small clock that was given to my parents on their wedding day by my grandmother.... my mother's mother. I saw its face and heard its chimes in my childhood home for two decades and the memories were strong. I remember seeing the hands show 8:10 every school-day morning. When that time rolled around I knew I had to make my way quickly down our steep driveway to catch the school bus. If I was ten minutes late I would probably see the bus drive away without me.

The clock was given to me by my parents about 20 years ago and worked at the time but it had since lost its ability to chime and tell time correctly. I had it repaired and it's now operated by a battery and chimes again. Not exactly the same sound since that was not possible to repair exactly, but it is useful again.... and lives on as a reminder of sweet days gone by.

 

After Edd passed I had the diamond in my engagement ring placed in a different setting. It was a way to  move forward for me and also embrace the past and the specialness of his gift to me. I knew he'd like that.  But I had the original setting stored away without a stone thinking I'd put a new stone in it "someday". Well, someday finally arrived and I added a sapphire to the setting. I now have a new ring to enjoy! The beautiful setting Edd chose years ago now includes a sapphire I am happy to wear!

About a month before my mom passed away in 2013, she showed me her finger that wore her wedding band. She couldn't get it off and it bothered her. She even tried to cut it off herself and never had the opportunity to go to a jeweler or elsewhere. I think she didn't want Dad to know. So I asked her if she wanted me to do it.... she did... and well, I snipped it off her finger with a wire cutter. The ring was thin after so many years of wear and not difficult for me to do. It made mom happy to have it off, but I'm sure sad that it had to be done. 

After she passed away I looked in her purse and the ring was still in there. I asked Dad if I could have it and I just had her broken, cut ring restored and repaired.

Though it still looks aged and thin (because it IS!) it is now shiny and not broken! I wish mom could see it! The engraving inside says "Always and forever...." They had been married for 56 years when she passed away. 

I'm happy to be able to restore items that have meaning, so they can once again be useful and have more life left in them! No one needs broken things in their lives if they are able to be fixed!

broken heart

Oh, the things you experience .... the horror, the depth of insanity and fear, the hurt and sadness in your heart ... when you love someone who is addicted to drugs. They don't seem to have any idea how their actions hurt others... and that they are blocking the pain with their drug, but the person who is not using is standing helpless feeling it all.

If your expectation is to talk sensibly together you will be constantly disappointed. You won't even be able to comprehend the ridiculousness of what comes out of their mouths. The lies. The manipulations. It will make your head spin.

What hurts the most, is that you are forced to give up and let go. Because it is an illusion to think you are actually helping when you are not. The only one who can help the addict is themselves. They have to want something different. They have to want to get off the roller coaster. Stop hurting themselves and the innocent ones their lives touch.

But sometimes I don't think they want to change. They may not want some of the ugly consequences, but they really don't want to change or give up the drug.

And it breaks your heart.

It has broken mine.

thinking....

I'm thinking of my little family today. We've been through so very much through the years. Changes. Pain and loss. Joys.  Endings. Beginnings. Carrying on. Endings again. New life. Some seem to hide. Kind of battered. Hobbling. Struggling. It hurts sometimes to watch. It hurts to look away. It hurts to stay. It hurts to go. My prayers are for each one. And for myself.

I don't like change, but I accept it. Mostly. Maybe? Maybe not. Some days I do. Some days I don't.

I find the need to limit what I allow my mind to take in. In this day of perpetual opinions and preaching and thirst for outrage in so much of social media... I find it more than I have the capacity to do anything constructive with except lose my bearings, lose my contentment, lose my peace and lose my joy and perspective.  I've had to shut a lot of it down.  Turn away. And move in a different direction.

I long for simplicity in a complex world. All I can try to manage is my own sphere. My own place and home. And that is where I find joy and contentment. I always have....

this place.....

I think I need to return more to my little blog. This place. It's been here for me over the years. Waiting for me to share my thoughts and struggles and dreams. My successes and failures. 

My safe place. 

Social media has made us so smug we feel we can post our opinions and comments and too often not have to actually do anything. We feel by complaining we've done our part.  I am growing more and more wrestless in it. More weary of its ability to reach me with its discontent. Sometimes for good yes. But often its message is one that puts another down, often cruelly  and is used as a weapon and show how enlightened we are.

We can post articles about being Pro Life but never actually support an unwed mother. Maybe drive someone to her doctor's office for care or to the grocery store for food. It takes a village. Some people have more of that village at their disposal. Some, for whatever reason, are more isolated. I know this first-hand. Loving the unlovely person who clearly got themselves into the mess they are in is not easy. And we feel justified to walk in the other direction... and judge. But again. We can't do everything, but we can do something.

We can blast our political system and politicians, and all that is wrong but never write a letter, make a phone call, go to a meeting or vote. Even if we do, it's often flaunted arrogantly by letting everyone know about it.

We can show our outrage in so many ways but never really love our neighbor as ourself...outside of church walls or a program. 

We can't do everything, but we can all do something...besides complaining.

Just feeling so sad today over the brokenness I see.....