recipe of the week

One of my goals is to make at least one new recipe every week.   There are so many wonderful foods and with just a little bit of effort and forthought we can eat so much better and more healthy than we do.  The one I made tonight is full of nutritiously dense ingredients and flavor.

Boneless chicken breast, asparagus, fresh ginger, garlic and lemon juice.   Just perfect.

Try it!  Chicken and Lemon Asparagus Stir Fry

dreams and memories

Memories DO light the corners of our mind....


Life is full of them isn't it?  There are so many thoughts going around in our mind throughout the day and through the night.  Often I'll wake with a thought and wonder now WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?    Some thoughts are awakened while we sleep.  I just wish I could clearly remember them when I wake up.  Our memories feed our dreams....


Dreams.


Recently I had a dream that was so vivid and real... unusual in that I remember it still.  I  was going to meet Edd somewhere at a certain time.  I was walking to the building where we were to meet and I was a little early, but as I got closer I could see through the window that he was already there, eagerly waiting for me, looking out with a huge smile on his face.  His face looked incredibly handsome (as it always did to me) and he was so happy to see me!  I also was overjoyed and showed it by my response to him and .... well it was a very good dream that left me smiling when I soon awoke....


Memories.


Today.  Today I remembered words from my dear husband over two years ago.  Moments before he had his second seizure in our home due to brain mets he told me he dropped a pill (or pills) he was trying to take.  It worried me because they were very important that he take them in a timely way.   I was always so careful and mindful of all he had to do, worrying over him as I so often did..... But I knew immediately something wasn't right by the way he looked at me... confusion on his face.  Soon after that he had a seizure and ended up in the hospital for weeks.....


... I always wondered about that pill or pills he said he dropped.  I searched and searched for them on the floor around the couch but never found anything.  I finally believed he said what he did in a confused state not really having dropped them .... but today...  today I found two little pills in the sofa where he had been sitting... And that memory brought  me back.    It brought me back to a difficult time.... but one full of love and hope... care and compassion....


Memories do that. 




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Today as I prayed for those I love and thought about my own life I asked God to help me to say "yes" to life in all its beauty ... and to say "no" to death in all its ugly forms.


Say yes to love and loving and kindness... joy and goodness....faith, hope....and charity... courage and generosity ... empathy and compassion.


Say no to resentment and bitterness.... jealousy, fear, envy.... greed and selfishness,  judgment and cruelty.


Life is short.  Too short.  And "there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend"....


Let the good memories guide you, teach you, lead you on to do more... be more....  The hardest and best of times have lessons to teach that must not be lost.... For they make us more full of what it means to be human.

savor

I sit here in the quietness of the morning and ….  savor.  I think the word savor will be my mantra for the coming year.

Yesterday my daughter and son-in-law began to move into their new house.  They've lived here in mine for the last eight months while theirs was being built.  It was a time full of highs and lows, but they are beginning to settle into their new adventure.  It's a house they are now beginning to make into a home.  I hope it will be a place of safety, and a place to weather the storms of life… their refuge and where love is on display.

My dad is upstairs now visiting for the holidays.  Missing his wife is written on his face most of the time.  Though he tries to overcome his sadness, he fails much of the time.  All I can do is try to love him through it.

Edd's youngest son is getting married today!  Seeing him so happy last night was pure joy.  He is marrying a great girl with a wonderful family.  The energy at dinner was full of warmth and openness.  … open arms and open hearts.  It's good to be able to cheer on those we care about.  Root for them ….  I know his dad would be so proud of the man he's become.

I am feeling chapters closing and new ones opening… and it feels good.

learning

Life is interesting… and much is unexpected.  In spite of every sad thing I could think about this time of the year I have joy.

Maybe I'm getting somewhere.

Just maybe I'm learning to savor the times when peace reigns in my life and giving myself permission to let go of things beyond my control and…. exhale… enjoy.

Some things haven't changed any.  Missing loved ones not around to hug is a constant.  The missing part is always there and will never go away…But I'm learning to accept.  It makes me human... and fully authentically me.

Also this is the first Christmas in my entire life that I won't get a stocking filled with thoughtful lovely things from my mom, but I'll survive that too and I'll savor and cherish all the love and memories that are still very much ALIVE!  The love is almost tangible and as real as anything could possibly be…. It fills me up.

So I'm learning.  I'm learning to accept myself right where I am…not comparing myself to anyone else.  Why do we do that?  Experiences and people are so different…..

Learning to embrace who I am with my own strengths and insights that have been hard earned and picked up along the journey that is uniquely my own.

I'm learning not to edit myself for anyone …

So remember… Remember when you think you aren't making progress in your life that some things just take time… more time than you think you should have to go through … but if you're willing to stay open and teachable the end result will be worth it.

this picture

circa 1975  New Jersey

This picture might just look like a house on a hill to some, but to me it is a lot more than that.  It speaks volumes.  It kind of haunts me, but in the best of ways.  Each window conjures up a memory of life under its roof and within its safe walls.

I see a kitchen window and my mom inside making this house a home.  This time of the year I'd look for the spritz cookie recipe that we'd use with Christmas cookie cutters.  There would be sprinkles and flour everywhere… and warmth.

I see the living room window panes where mom would tape her homemade snowflakes each year made with white tissue paper… the Christmas tree would be near by.  It wouldn't have the cool small twinkly lights on it that we have today.  The bulbs would be colorful, larger and hot … and I'd occasionally put tinsel on one of them to watch it melt.  The mantle would be decorated and a crackling fire would be lit underneath. 

I can still see every square foot of our property in my mind.  I walked it.  I explored it.  I climbed it.  I cartwheeled and sleigh rode across it.  I grew up in it.

I see my brother's bedroom window and remember the view looking out of it into the woods.  Though I can't see mine I know it's on the other side of the house where the driveway wound down to the dirt road below.

I'm reminded of a back door that for a time wasn't used because there was nothing to go out to.  The rock stairs had crumbled over the years and were replaced later by a nice deck.  But the in-between time  resulted in a door that stayed locked.  This speaks to me about my parents inability to get everything exactly when they wanted it.  They had to save for things.  They had to wait and didn't get into debt just to have stuff right away like too many do today.  They worked hard.  It didn't effect or hurt us one single bit to have to wait to have any material possession.   Even a back door.

I'm hoping future generations see that clearly.  In our pursuit of stuff I hope it doesn't get lost.  The news is full this time of the year of people shopping for the best deals and fighting over them.   Consumerism is running rampant.  I see many houses so full of stuff that they can't even park their car in the garage.  It's so full of stuff.  

New so quickly becomes old… and pushed aside.

My mom and dad made the wise decision before I was born to raise their family here.  Where there was space and fresh air… and a special freedom.  They really did live the American dream.

I don't know.  I like things same as the next person, but real life doesn't consist of more and more stuff.   The best things in life aren't things at all. 

I heard this quote today by Sandra Bullock… She said, 

"When people are like, 'Life is good,' I go, 'No, life is a series of disastrous moments, painful moments, unexpected moments, and things that will break your heart. And in between those moments, that's when you savor, savor, savor.'"

I kind of liked that.  At least the words struck a chord in me.  I try not to focus on the disastrous moments though, but on the savor, savor, savor…...

Richness consists in being able to look back and say how good all the memories were that were made… and all the lessons that were learned and lived…. Richness comes when we love one another through the tough times…. 

knowing that is where a lot of the "good stuff" comes from….

thoughts for today

I decided today that waiting till Thanksgiving to make a pumpkin pie is a bad idea.  I think this year I will spread Thanksgiving goodness throughout the whole week before and even after Thanksgiving!   I think the expectations we build up over the holidays can threaten to lessen some of the joy and I don't want to do that.

Thanksgiving Day I plan to do some volunteer work in the morning.   Other family members have plans for part of the day too.  When I get home I'll make a turkey and lots of other yummy things, but it's all about enjoying this time of year and remembering the good in our lives.  We can have leftovers all week.  I'll drag out some Christmas decorations ….

I'm learning that I need to be able to be flexible and fit into the changes in my life.

I took a walk this morning and gathered leaves as I went along.  They were so pretty. Texas changes in the fall too.  It just takes longer…  Few things bring me back to my childhood the way a cold Autumn day does.  The memories are vivid…. the way the air smelled along with the smoke coming from our chimney in New Jersey as my dad burned fragrant cedar logs.   Today was cold… all day…  upper thirties here as I walked… and the air made my ears sting.  I like to walk because it's a good time to think and pray…  remember… and center myself.

Changes come all throughout our lives.  Maybe I'm just more aware of it now than I used to be.  As soon as you settle into a new "normal" that normal changes again and we need to readjust to begin to feel comfortable again.  Like the seasons….

I'm looking forward to purging things out of my life that aren't useful anymore.  Things that aren't positive or helpful or beautiful.  I am becoming more and more drawn to simplicity and ridding my life of clutter.  In a world where people seem to want to continuously accumulate stuff I am seeing the enormous value of getting rid of the noise in our lives so we can really hear what's important.  It's a process and I have a long way to go.

My wish today is that all have enough….. being content and grateful… with always enough.

timing

Recently I heard a statement that I could really relate to.  You know how you can hear words expressed and not think much about them ... and then you hear something that brings poignant truth straight to your heart.

"Life is about timing... and timing is everything in love and in loss...."

When I look backwards in my life it only confirms that.  I am still amazed at the perfect timing in meeting Edd.  How we almost lost touch, but then reconnected.  About the rightness of it all.  How I believe we were put together for something of eternal worth... much bigger than we could have imagined, for a special purpose and time.  For both of us.  Though I miss him no less each day, he is still with me... and it's a warm comfortable place in my heart where I sense his love still...

I'm not naturally a patient person when I want something to happen.  But some of the best things that have come to me in my life came unexpectedly... and were dropped in my lap.

Timing.

I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and how it's changing me.... where it's leading me.

It's leading me to embrace more of what is eternal and less of what is temporary.  It's pressing me to not fret the small stuff and really see what is before me and whether it has value or not.  To take the time.  It's made me see how so much of what people do in this life is chasing after the wind.  Chasing after things that really don't satisfy.

I've always been grounded, but it's upped the ante... or raised the bar... for seeing what is important and what is not.  It's solidifying my values.

Our society is way out of control with its consumerism and we've just lost touch with what contentment and satisfaction is all about... with a lifestyle that knows how to love simple things and enjoy moments.  We think we need more and more stuff to be happy when that has nothing to do with happiness at all.

Timing is everything in love and loss...

That truth gives me faith and courage for the days ahead.