Most of us do better when we understand and have answers to our questions. God has been gracious to help me grow. My faith has seemed easy and comfortable. For the most part life made sense. My faith made sense. There were very difficult times I've experienced, like my divorce, that were confusing and painful, but I still was able to eventually make sense out of it. Most of it anyway.
But the last few years, especially with Edd's cancer, I haven't been able to make any sense of it. It's been a mystery and even with all the pain I feel as I watch the one I love suffer, the pain has increased by feeling God's silence. I have no answers .... still.
Slowly...very slowly I’m beginning to accept that. I cannot wrap this up in a neat package. Some things in life are messy. Some experiences are raw and harsh.
I know what is feels like to grapple (funny word) with my faith. To struggle with it.
I'm gradually realizing I may never have answers. Maybe that's not what I should be seeking in order to find peace. Maybe that's not what I need. Maybe that is for another time and another place...
What I need is courage. Courage to be strong.
But, ah, what else do we need to combat this darkness? What is there that meets the fear and the confusion, the uncertainty and the lack of knowledge?
Love. In abundance.
I need love....and courage. All of us do.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu